Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom

... What ... Happened ... ?

2007-10-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

That shit hurt me just watching. I haven't seen a raping like that since "American History X." Joe Gibbs' underwear is going to have small blood stains in them from the ripping of the anal walls. Jason Campbell is going to wake up to nightmares of Mike Vrabel fucking his grandmother and forcing her to fumble.

I honestly thought that, with this mega-matchup with the Colts next week, we could slip into New England, blitz Tom Brady, stuff their injured run game and squeek out a 20-17 win. 50 points? Did they punt once with their starters in? Even their freaking backup QB who never played in college scored on us ! Thank God Chris Cooley scored, because a shut-out like that can destroy the pysche of a team quicker than Bill Belichek shat on Al Saunders' face.

Jesus is Joe Gibbs' homeboy, though, and gives us the hopeless Jets at home next week. One AFC East team pisses in our mouth at home, now we get to fart in anothers in our house. Roger Goodell is just.

No One Had A Problem With This ?!?

2007-10-26T18:31:00.001-05:00

I understand this guy was a fan favorite in Boston. I understand he was minutes away from playing in Japan before Theo Epstein and the Red Sox organization gave him a chance. I understand he was a big part in ending an 86-year championship drought for the Fenway faithful.

But ... the guy plays for a different team. Not only that, a division rival. And, as a resident of the city of Baltimore, I have to tell you ... This city couldn't care less.

Now lets switch some things around. Lets say another Boston divisional foe, like ... New York, had their former Red Sox player and '04 World Series winner - John Damon - do a promo spot, throw out the first pitch and read the lineup card on national television, as Millar did. Damon would have to be traded. His jersey would be burnt in the streets to warm up a bum's nutsack. And not that any Yankee would leave for Boston, but imagine a Red Sox player doing that in New York? They would have to put the guy in witness protection, and some t-shirt vendor in Boston would come up with some mildly witty pun and slap it on a shirt for $ 20.

This situation isn't getting the attention it deserves. First off, in an interview on ESPN Radio 1300 in Baltimore, I heard that MLB made them ask the Orioles for permission, and granted it. The Mets laughed when they asked for Pedro, but Peter Angelos, the Orioles border-line retarded owner, had no problem with this; and didn't even make the guy wear an Orioles hat or something! Now there's little respect in this city for the management of that team, and most, if not all, fans are waiting for Cal Ripken Jr. to get enough money to buy the team, but the fact that they would let a player do that is unbelievable to me.

And does Millar have any shame? The Red Sox didn't want him anymore. They offered him no contract or even arbitration and the chance of a contract in 2006, and so he became a platoon player for a bad team. And yet, he jumps at the chance to go back and root them on? What a fucking clown. Cowboy the fuck up and outta this city. If you don't think I'm going to throw a DVD of "Fever Pitch" at your double-chinned, hair-dying ass come next spring, you're in for quite the surprise.

Joe Torre is a Fucking Guido

2007-10-19T11:35:00.001-05:00

You see this picture? That's all this fucking goomba did for the past six to ten seasons; sat on his ass while his meatballs digested, watching the best lineup in the game coast into the post-season, and then get beaten by better managed teams.

I gaurantee you at times, half the players thought he was just taking a nap. Those pinstripes look like pajamas on him, and it makes sense, since the motherfucking idiot slept more than inspired.

Greatest manager ever? ... Not even close. Not even close to greatest Yankee manager ever. Not even close to greatest manager named "Joe." Not even close to greatest Italian manager. Not even close to greatest manager who used 9/11 and Rudy Guiliani to sell a shitty book I got for Christmas one year ...

He had a losing record as a manger before he took over an amazingly up-and-coming / veteran Yankee team, and he'll have a losing record if he tries to show up the Yankees by signing somewhere else. Hello, TBS. Hello, Peter Gammon's wingman. Hello, yin to Steve Phillips' yang on "Sportscenter." This guy has more money in the bank for doing nothing than anyone, with Donald Trump and Carrot Top right behind him.

As for the Yankees that are going to leave since he did ... Fuck yourself. More than half of your saves, Mo, are because of that payroll. All of your RBI, Hip Hip Jorge, are because of the lineup that was bought around you. And A-Rod ... You're like the captain of the football team who is dating the head cheerleader with the big titties, but cheats on her right before prom with some Fall Out Boy loving art class ho: None of your supposed friends (New York) like you, and the nerds/art scene that is your only other option (Boston) hate you for who you were the past few years ... So you sit alone (in Anaheim) at the dance, hoping no one knows you once you start at Future Realtor Community College (the Hall of Fame.) Nice knowing you, asshole, now get the fuck off my team.

Blow this team up. Shoot Roger Clemens out of a circus cannon into whatever body of water is closest to Houston. Strap Kei Igawa to a nuke and finish the job Harry Truman tried to in Japan. Get Bobby Abreu the hell outta the Bronx.

I want a rotation of Wang, Hughes, Kennedy, Igawa and Humberto Sanchez. I want JB Cox setting up for Joba Chamberlain; who will enter games to the theme from "Star Wars" or possibly "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran (for no reason in particular). Matsui, Damon and Cabrera left to right in the outfield. Mike Lowell or Scott Brosius at 3B, Jeter at SS, Cano at 2B and Giambi - who needs to get a freakin' Bally's Total Fitness gym membership this off-season - at 1B. Sign Adam Dunn to DH and spot-play at 1B.

DO NOT SIGN TORII HUNTER OR ANDRUW JONES TO THE BIGGEST CONTRACTS ON THE PLANET!

Let Carl Pavano pitch in Korea. Let Andy Pettite manage a car-dealership in Piscataway. Keep Don Mattingly as bench coach, Ron Guidry as pitching coach and bring in Joe Girardi to manage. Sign Brian Cashman to an extension; a long one.

That is all I demand. See all you other teams in October next season; we're going undefeated, bitches.

The Book of Joba: Entry # 1

2007-09-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

Hi! Me Joba.

I throw ball for Yankees. I throwed ball for long time. My arm strong. Ball fast. Joba good at ball throwing. Yankees give Joba job throwing ball for dollars.

Yankees feed Joba corn. I big from corn. Joba like Yankees. Joba like corn. Big, big Joba from Yankee corn. Pants no fit from lotta corn. Yankees give new pants! Big pants! Joba like big pants.

Joba sorry to Youkless. Ball slippery from corn butter juice. Sorry Youkless. Sorry Red Socks. Sorry Yankees. Joba sit on bench for slippery ball. Mean Bud man yell at Joba. "You stupid Joba!" Joba cry from Mean Bud man. Call him smelly. Mean Bud man say "Two games, Joba!" Joba eat corn for two games. It was fun.

Bye, from Joba. Bye!

Roger Goodell would've hated LT ...

2007-08-12T00:49:00.000-05:00

So the new NFL boss said no to "Pac-Man" Jones wanting to jones as a pro wrestler for TNA ... I guess it makes sense. But does no one remember when Lawrence Taylor - in need of some cash for a big coke score or something - actually main-evented Wrestlemania 11 versus Bam Bam Bigelow? I remember!

And he won, too! Half the ring was surrounded by serious NFL talent (including the incomparable Reggie White, Carl Banks and others) , the other by serious WWF talent (including the incomparable Tatanka, Ted DiBiase and others).

God I miss my childhood.

I'm actually really confused as to why Goodell and the Titans are having such a problem with this situation, though. AJ Pierzynski won a belt from TNA for something, and his manager Ozzie Guillen hit some guy with a chair at training camp ... Kevin Green, the great Steelers and Panthers linebacker, was a guest-referee for a match and "sacked" somebody. How did David Stern not shit himself when Dennis Rodman and Karl Malone fought in WCW? Brian Urlacher, Johnny Damon and David Eckstein all did little guest-spots with TNA over the past few years, and were met with little more than giggles from their teammates for their involvement in something so ridiculous.

Lest we forget, one of the greatest boxers of all-time, "Iron" Mike Tyson, was involved with the WWF a few years ago, sucker-punching Shawn Michaels and helping "Stone Cold" Steve Austin get the win. Former WWE Champion Brock Lesnar almost made the Minnesota Vikings roster a few years ago. Former WCW and WWE Champion Bill Goldberg was an Atlanta Falcon for a few seasons. Former WWE Champion The Rock was a highly-recruited U of Miami defensive tackle (before Warren Sapp came in and pushed him out of the way).

What if Roger Goodell is keeping Jones from his true calling? What if Jones' destiny is to fly off the top rope and hit Sting with "The Rainmaker?" What if the Titans front office is actually planning some kind of pay-per-view with all their old players who wrestle now (Frank Wychek and Kyle Van Der Bosch have both wrestled professionally ...)?

Let the guy wrestle. I really just want to see him power-bomb Marvin Harrison in his first game back. Plus, he's going to fill out a pair of tights really nicely ...

Baseball's New Unbreakable Record ?

2007-08-10T12:35:00.001-05:00

When Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's record, baseball fans thought they were seeing an unbreakable record be broken. Aaron piled on a few dozen more home runs to the total, to set a benchmark that would untouchable for the rest of baseball history. That mark has fallen ... So what now is the most unbreakable record in baseball?

Is it Joltin' Joe's 56 game hitting streak? I seriously doubt it. While only a few have come close, a few have come close. Pete Rose. Paul Molitor. Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins gave it a run not too long ago ... 56 games is a massive streak, but all it takes is two hot months to get there. You want an unbreakable baseball record? Talk to Old Hoss.

Old Ross Radbourn won 59 games in 1884. 59 games. We give guys the Cy Young Award for winning 20 ... This guy won more games than pitchers these days start in a season. It is a truly untouchable record.

The Ridiculous Prediction of the Week !

2007-07-26T01:07:00.001-05:00

This Week's Ridiculous Prediction :

Barry Bonds WILL NOT Break Hank Aaron's Home Run Record ... Ever!

The Ridiculous Situation :

Barry Lamar Bonds will, in front of Commissioner Bud Selig, injure himself severely enough to cause him to miss roughly half the remainder of the season.

For fear of being booed as a visitor in a ball park, Bonds will intentionally not hit any home runs on the road.

However, at home, Bonds will get no pitching. He'll be intentionally walked one out of every three at-bats, and in the other two, will receive roughly one hittable pitch. (The Giants will still lose, despite his on-base percentage swelling.) After the season, Bonds will be indicted on Federal charges and go to prison, for a long, long time. He will end this season, and his career, short of Hammerin' Hank's record.

Defending the Defenseless!

2007-07-20T15:55:00.000-05:00

ESPN, you should be ashamed of yourselves. FOX Sports, you, too. Yahoo!. Deadspin. PETA. United States of America. Planet Earth ... You should all be ashamed of yourselves. For what? For picking on these God-fearing, handsome, charitable, honorable men. These are role models, and yet, to steal a huge ESPN cliche, you "throw them under the bus?" ( I still don't know what the hell that means ... Was there a time when people did that to teammates? If they had a bad game, you threw them under a bus?)

Chris Benoit. Adam "Pac-Man" Jones. Michael Vick. NBA referee Tim Donaghy. Barry Lamar Bonds. Jason Giambi. Chris Henry. Tank Johnson.

You may be asking yourself, Richie K., you can't seriously be thinking these guys don't deserve the fines, the jail-time, the public ridicule? Right? Damn right I am.

I'll break it down case by case for you.

CHRIS BENOIT - OK, the guy was a 'roid-machine. But he was a loving father, a wonderful husband and a phenomenal wrester. (Those multiple German suplexes were as exciting a move as the sport has seen ...) But he had a bad day. You've never had a bad day? Everyone has had bad days! Chris Benoit had one bad day, and you people crucify him for it. He was on the cover of People magazine, for Vince McMahon's sake! OK, he killed his wife, his kid and himself. OK, his body was so full of illegal substances there's a good chance a bunch of crackheads dug up his body and tried to smoke him. Whatever, man. I've had bad days, you've had bad days, Jesus has had bad days ... They happen. Who are we to pass judgement on the severity of those bad days? Just chalk them up to experience and move on ...

ADAM "PAC-MAN" JONES - He loves strippers. Who doesn't? I do. Any American male should. Most men around the world, with the exception of those crazy Muslim assholes who make women wear sheets and crap from head to toe, love strippers. He throws around lots of money, and makes other men jealous. He's named after a legendary video game icon! How can you hate this guy?
OK, maybe he shot someone. Maybe he was responsible for a few riots ... Those happen all the time. How do you know it wasn't chance? And growing up in West Virginia, what the hell else is there to do but start some trouble every now and again? Don't hate the Pac-Man, hate the game. All he needs to do is find his Mrs. Pac-Man and settle down anyway ... He cut his hair. He took out a full page ad swearing to the people of Tennessee he'd change his ways. What more do you want from the guy? He literally gives money to young women in exchange for nothing more than a quick glimpse at their vagina and/or breasts. Most of them are young, single mothers. That's as charitable an act as Bono has ever done ...

NBA REFEREE TIM DONAGHY - He bet on games. Is that so terrible? Yes, he has a job where he has a great way to alter those games, but let me just point out one thing to you: Tim Donaghy is white. White men in the game of basketball are never to be questioned, simply respected, feared and occasionally asked to participate in 3-point contests. The NBA pays their referees a small price, considering you ask them to call fouls on huge men in the midst of battle. Shaq would kill this guy. Artest would snap his neck. Sprewell would choke him. Rasheed would ... do something weird. What's wrong with trying to earn a little something on the side? All the NFL's umpires and refs have day jobs. Tim Donaghy needs to feed his children Alpo so he can drive that fancy car to the stadium? I SAY NO, SIR!

BARRY BONDS - This is the easiest case there is. He denies taking steroids. Fine. But even if he did ... THEY WEREN'T ILLEGAL IN THE GAME OF BASEBALL AT THE TIME! Barry Bonds was playing by the rules. He did nothing illegal. He found an edge, and he stuck that edge into his ass. His head swelled, his balls shrank and he doubled in size from his Pirate days. His amazing moustache fell out, as did his semi-'fro. He's paid the price for his greatness. Now that steroids are finally illegal in pro baseball, he no longer takes them. So, Bud Selig, get your ass to that stadium as he claims one of the most prestigious records in pro sports. Hank Aaron, buy yourself a walker and watch as Barry Bonds breaks your record. Support your fellow African-American man as you claimed no one did as you broke the record. Your death threats weren't anything compared to the thought of this great record falling and big, fake needles pelting him as he rounds the bases ... He did nothing wrong. Lay off Barry Lamar!

MICHAEL VICK - This one is a little complicated, because I am a cat-lover, too. Dogs are just dirty, annoying things God put on this planet to fetch slippers, eat grass and entertain us with their fighting. Vick is an athlete with moves that break ankles, an arm that defies logic and a brain the third the size of most adults. His family took advantage of him! We all know his little brother is an idiot. Chances are, he has no clue who his real father is. More than likely, he's got cousins he doesn't even know about; and when you become a pro athlete, those hands stretch a little longer into your pockets, but that is the price you pay for your talent! Those things happen when you have shoes with your name on them!

Durham hookers unsafe for another year ...

2007-05-30T15:24:00.000-05:00

Can we please stop bending over backwards for these sons of bitches?

Duke lacrosse lost a nail-biting national championship Memorial Day weekend, which I thought was going to be rigged in their favor after all the heart-wrenching stories about the Blue Devils lacrosse team. That was shortly after the three ex-Duke lacrosse players had the rape charges against them dropped. And now? More good news for the over-privileged youth of America: The team has been given a fifth year of NCAA eligibility.

But ... why?

It wasn't the NCAA that suspended the season at Duke. It was the University. Eight games into the season, by the way. So they lost half a season. Keep in mind that over half the team was caught underage drinking at an off-campus house party where strippers and prostitutes were. Nevermind that they were accused of rape and sexual assault. Nevermind that they had the most expensive attorney money could buy, arguing a case against a district attorney manipulating his client so he could win the minority vote in the next election. Nevermind that these collar-popping assholes sent e-mails vividly describing skinning African-American women. Nevermind that the university forced a well-respected coach to resign to help cover-up the black eye the school had been given ...

Hey, let 'em play, right?

If this had been, say, a basketball team at a state school, and the three accused were, say, African-American and not from the most prestigious suburbs in America ... You think they'd be playing another season? You think the NCAA would even CONSIDER hearing that appeal?

This absolutely disgusts me. Here's hoping Johns Hopkins kicks their asses again next season.

Josh McRoberts: NBA Bound !

2007-03-23T00:07:00.000-05:00

So after two unsuccessful years at Duke, Josh McRoberts is going to try his luck in the NBA. He's following a long and successful tradition of Duke guys leaving early to get into the League ...

Here is what I don't get. Why leave a college basketball scene where you are borderline dominant, an icon on campus and a chance for a national championship for mid-level dollars and the title of "role player" for the rest of your career.

There is no shot he's a star in the NBA. (See: Shavlik Randolph, Cherokee Parks, Chris Carrawell, William Avery, JJ Redick, Trajan Langdon) He could be a starter for a weaker team with a me-first point guard, and hope he gets enough offensive boards and put-backs to warrant a roster spot for the next season. But Shaq will abuse him. Amare will abuse him. Oden will abuse him. Garnett will abuse him. Yao will abuse him. Hell, Michael Oliwakandi will abuse this guy ...

The sad thing is, Duke would've returned all five starters - something that personally scared the shit out of me - and been a top-10 team. Now? They'll rely even more on a shaky shooter and a weak ball-handler, and will get absolutely dominated by Tyler Hansbrough and UNC for the next two years - unless Gerald Henderson takes the next step and just shoots him in the face or something.

Best of luck to you, though, Josh. Seriously. Here's hoping Laettner buys a team so he can draft you, trade for Redick and Shav and assemble a true dynasty in the NBA. Get yourself a double-wide, kid; you earned !

Greg Oden's Diary : Entry # 3

2007-03-21T00:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary: Just wanted to put a picture in here of how big my penis is around ... For the ladies, you know?

For real, though, I got some serious shit to talk about, and his name is Kevin Durant. You know, Kevin "I'm Not in the Sweet Sixteen" Durant. That guy. That guy that's fucking with my motherfucking NBA money. The Celtics got fined for calling him? Why? They need a dark toothpick? I was rooting for Texas; I really was. I wanted them to get into the Final Four so I could show the world who deserves that money, playboy. I'm playing with one hand! Do you not understand that shit? Durant, seriously, give me player of the year trophy, bro, and you won't get hurt. Did you see the foul I put on that fool against Xavier?

You wanna know why the O did that? Because he could. I could snap my fingers and cause a tsunami in Asia. I could flap my arms and fly around the world, shitting on people I didn't like. I could dunk on Jesus Christ - in Heaven - with four fouls on me. The world is mine. They're re-naming the school The O-Den State University. The mascot will be a scaled-down replica of my hand - so it'll fit in the building - and it will just stand there, staring at you the whole game. Whoever is lucky enough to be in that costume will get more ass than Kevin Durant, Tyler Hansbrough and whoever that white dude from Pitt is combined. MY HAND, SON! MY HAND!

I wish someone would build a time machine. I saw this movie, "Back to the Future," and I didn't get it because I don't know how you can go back to the future, if the future is in front of you ... But anyway, that's not the point. I need one of them cars, on 26's, so I can go back and dunk on Kareem, block Bill Russell's shot and just abuse Bill Walton in the post. Wilt the Stilt? He gonna need crutches when I get done with him. Shaq is my boy (I loved "Kazaam!") but for real, he best retire before I spin past him in the lane and cross his eyes; dude'll look like Stuart Scott and Rebecca Lobo had a baby when I'm done with him.

Elite Eight is up next. Do you get CBS, Durant? I may eat a Longhorn for dinner before the game. No, not AT Longhorn's. I'm going to eat A Longhorn. With some corn on the cob, bitches.

ODEN OUT!

It's Like My Dreams Came True ...

2007-03-15T23:25:00.000-05:00

First of all, doesn't Jon Scheyer look like a post-fight Ivan Drago?

It happened. Dook lost to a mid-major in the first round. It really is a dream come true for me. I feel like Martin Luther King Jr. post-"I Have A Dream." I feel like George Washington post-sticking it to England. I feel like Ghandi post-fasting. I feel like Jesus Christ post-Ressurection. I feel like Tommy Lee post-leaking the sex video with Pam Anderson. I feel like Rosa Parks post-not getting up from that bus seat.

Watching a humbled Coach K post-game, I almost masturbated. (I was fully erect, don't get me wrong.)

The solemn faces of those Blue Devils as they realized they'd lost to a mid-major ... Priceless. I'm going to frame them individually, but only after going to a store and having them made into a really nice wallpaper I can decorate my bedroom with. A crying Greg Paulus will be the thing I think of when I watch "The Sound of Music" and they sing the song about when the dog bites and when the bee stings ... (You know that you know it ...) The out-stretched arms of DeMarcus Nelson (PS, Mr. and Mrs. Nelson: You didn't like Marcus, you didn't like Dennis, but you thought, hell, together; that's a name?) and Scheyer getting shot over by my new favorite college basketball player, Eric Maynor (replacing Timmy Smith and the coked out dude from the 'Nova team that beat Pat Ewing and that unstoppable Georgetown team.)

My hope? That this is the catalyst to Coach K bolting for the NBA. That out of pure embarrrassment, Josh McRoberts enters the NBA Draft (and goes undrafted like super-stud Shavlik Randolph). I hope that all the McDonald's All-Americans commited to Duke change their mind ... I hope the court is re-named "Guy Who Hasn't Gotten Past The Sweet Sixteen Five of the Past Six Years Court." I hope that Jay Bilas never picks them again in a big game. I pray to VCU that Dick Vitale retires, and gets a water-front townhouse with Krzyzewski, where they have lots of unprotected sex and give each other HIV, and then AIDS and - just to top it off - really gross Herpes ...

It's not all ice cream and cocoa puffs, though. Usually when I was trying to eke out a few extra minutes in bed with the ladies, I thought of Coach K. I thought of Christian Laettner hitting that shot. I thought of JJ Redick's and Jay Williams' and - if I was really desperate - Shelden Williams' faces. But now? I'll probably finish a lot quicker because of this.

By the way, the State Farm commercial with "Coach K vs. Coach Jay" ... Pure gold. Write a book about this one, you rat-looking SOB.

Greg Oden's Diary: Entry # 2

2007-03-13T11:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary:

Tournament time, bitches. The O gots himself a Big Ten Championship, but you know the man wants a NCAA bling-ring-on his pinky fing. And then, I want the WWE Title. I could probably beat that Russian dude for the heavyweight title, too.

For real, though; is Wisconsin even a real team? It's like, "Double-double for Oden, cheese and fat chicks for Wisconsin." I dominate the Big Ten, just like my "Big Ten" dominates the ladies, playboy. There was some funky chickens hanging outside the hotel for the tournament, I cannot WAIT for them NBA shorties, yo. I be swattin' tig ol' bitties like I be swattin' fools shots every night.

Man, I tried to Google this team we're opening against. Central Coneticut. It kept saying "no results." Where's Coneticut anyway? It don't matter. Only places matter are THE Ohio State, THE Oden's Den and THE city that drafts me. 16 seed never beat a 1 seed, and you bet your ass it ain't happenin' on the O's watch. I might go for 50/50/50/50 night - 50 points, 50 boards, 50 blocks - and 50 BJ's, son!

Coneticut, watch yo ass, Oden want a sandwich.

ODEN OUT!

Andy Reid's Autograph Is Like Gold!

2007-02-12T13:54:00.000-05:00

This isn't something we usually do at RKBYM, but we got the juiciest of juicy gossip from a friend of ours, and had to pass it along to you ...

Now the news has broke on ESPN and all the other sources that Head Coach Andy Reid has taken a leave of abscense from his Eagles until mid-March. He didn't name any reasons for this leave, but you can bet it has a lot to do with his children being about as out of control as is humanly possible. Garrett and Britt Reid have - seperately - been charged with numerous drug and traffic violations, assaults, etc.

That isn't the big news; this is.

Our anonymous source has informed us that - through a female high school friend who has engaged in sexual intercourse with Britt Reid - Britt Reid has his Johnson pierced.

Oh yeah; we went there. But that's just the start.

The two went to Harriton High School together - a preppy little school right outside of Philly - and our source has also told us after a party, where the young Reid was engaged in lots of underage alcohol consumption and drug use, decided it best for him to drive home from the party. Reid then backed into a friends car, smashing the hood, drove down the block only to be stopped by the police. Reid then tried to bribe the police officer with - this is my favorite part (besides the fact his dick is pierced) - autographed pictures of his dad, which he keeps in his glove box; obviously for situations just like this.

It seems the fuzz in Philly are overloaded with Andy's signed picture, and now they're actually charging the kids ...

What a city.

An Open Letter From Tom Brady to Rexxxtasy

2007-02-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

Mr. Grossman:

Notice how I didn’t call you Rexxxtasy or something pornographic like that? You know why? Class. I’ve got it, and you, my friend, do not. I drink port, you drink alcohol that came from the ports of San Juan. My girlfriends have included starlets and supermodels, whereas yours have included Brandi from Pensacola and Heather from Skokie. Way to go. I attended the University of Michigan, a university whose business school was ranked best in the nation by the Wall Street Journal (that’s a prestigious newspaper, by the way), whereas you attended the University of Florida, a school of champions, albeit not while you were there, but frankly a school where the average SAT rivals your quarterback rating against the Packers.

Do not continue to offend me, Mr. Grossman. While having sex with Gisele, I am oftentimes sickened by your actions. You are not “The Sex Cannon.” I am. I walk into bars and women immediately wet their pants. Think about that, Mr. Grossman. You walk into bars to get drunk; I don’t walk into bars so much as I walk directly into wet panties. It’s like the doorway is full of them, and I walk directly into them. Picture that, Mr. Grossman. I do sincerely apologize for the vulgarity of that statement, but I felt it necessary to prove my point. Often, when I am involved with a beautiful woman, such as the starlets and supermodels I share with people such as Leo DiCaprio and Derek Jeter, I like to wear my three Super Bowl rings, and admire them as any true champion would. Then I continue to last for hours on end. Again, I remind you, these are the most beautiful women in the world, not sorority girls from the Chi Omega house in Gainesville.

A final point, my dear friend. Perhaps, if you weren’t so busy attempting to be the next great western gunslinger (I refuse to even use any other word you use to describe yourself ending in “slinger”) you would realize that in fact, women most prefer the man with the rings who isn’t afraid to show off his sensitive side and dump the ball off. At that point, maybe, just maybe, my girlfriend Gisele could get you one of her friend’s phone numbers. Until then, however, Mr. Grossman, enjoy the pleasures of the women of Wrigleyville. You may think you’re special for merely MAKING ONE Super Bowl, but my good friend Peyton will likely wipe the floor with you. I have to cut this letter short; my Merrill Lynch stock just bought me my fifth Rolls Royce and I have to go pick it up.

Yours in Football,
Thomas Brady

Drunk Barry Zito

2007-01-28T22:24:00.000-05:00

Now, we here at RKBYM are not usually in the business of posting drunk athlete photos (frankly, we consider this lowbrow and crass...but not really), but when your friend puts up a pic of himself and a hilarious looking Barry Zito, well, you really have no choice but to post it for the world to see. The look on his face is awesome...he knows what he'll be up to in a couple hours, and he loves it. Alyssa Milano, take note, Barry's doing just fine.

Greg Oden's Diary : Entry # 1

2007-01-24T20:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary:Man, what a baller-ass night. Those two freshmen chicks hit the spot, son. Had them white bitches screaming "O-O-O-O-O-Oden! O-O-O-O-O-O-Oden!" Game wasn't bad, neither. Another one-handed double-double, thank you. Coach Thad told me not to look ahead, but come on, man. After I win us the conference tournament, I think I might ... Yeah, I sure am. I'm gonna get with that Asian girl Teddy Ginn introduced me to. I gotta Call Ginny back, though; kid texted me about a party with some senior girls. Hopefully he can smooth out that beef with me and Troy, too. Kid thinks I broke his Heisman on purpose. What kinda whack-ass statue has a arm stickin' out the side like that? Fuckin' thing snapped right off. These hands block shots and kill small animals; a little trophy arm can't handle my shit. Maybe I'll buy that dude a Rolls or a Benz when I get drafted ... Give him the ring I win for Buckeye Nation since he choked ...

Oh shit, time for class. "TV." Shit is hard, yo.

Naw, I ain't goin'. I gotta start thinking of names for my mansion. I looked at some real estate in Philly; Iverson's house is OK ... For my garage. I'm going to have to build something fly enough to be called the O-Den. That's what I'm gonna call my house, at least when "Cribs" comes to film ... I'm gonna get a kick ass pet, too. Maybe a ... snake? Fuck snakes. I already got a negro anaconda in these shorts. What about a giraffe? No; too Michael Jackson ... Hows about a gorilla? Maybe ... Oh, shit. Oden, you da' man. I'm gonna get me an ALBINO GORILLA! Name that mo'fucker something scary, too. Call that thing Ewing. Teach it to ball, son. A fuckin' dunking albino gorilla. Shit would be the bomb, boy.
WTF? This dude on ESPN just said I should stay in school for four years. The only reason I'd even think about that shit is the new freshmen honeys comin' in every fall ... What? Fool said Josh McRoberts is going to be a better big man in the long-run because he's got "smart moves" in the post. That honky motherfucker can't hold me. March Madness comes around I'm going to dunk on him 17 times, block a dozen of his shots and fuck his girl. Oh wait, she's probably ass-ugly. That's why I told Coach K no. I said Coach, you got a nice program, but shit; them girls is lookin' like the Elephant Man or some shit. You find nicer girls working at Burger King, man. Plus I couldn't shit on Ohio like that. Gots to get Buckeye Basketball on the map, son! Make these peeps forget LeBron. It's all about the O. But for real, being the O isn't that great right now ...

Being a freshmen sucks ball, yo. Dick Vitale called me a diaper dandy, but for real, I'd rather be a senior dandy and have a fucking car on campus. A Bentley. That'd be sick. Drive to classes in my Phantom. On 24's, bitch. Roll to practice watching "Scarface" on DVD on my 15 monitors. That'd be the shit like Taco Bell, son. Sucks, though. I gotta walk my ass to 7-11 now. I need some condoms like whoa! Magnum XXXL's, you know how the Big O slays it. But yo, I gots to wrap it up. Can't be having none of these white bitches chasing me around the NBA wantin' money for some kid I don't even know is mine ... Gotta bring me the DNA test, yo. That or they gotta be 7'1'' and have a full beard in 5th grade like me. I used to dunk on cats in Kindergarten. Gettin' head behind the swingset in 1st grade ... Yo, little Greg used to beat that pussy up while he watched "Power Rangers." Oh shit; speaking of that ... I gotta buy me one of those suits they wore. I always dug that black dude. He had some wild ass hair, though. Shit, that fool isn't doing anything. I'm gonna buy that dude, make him run around my house fighting Ewing. Shit would be awesome for parties. Pop some Dom P and watch that cat rumble with an albino gorilla all night ... God I love my life.

ODEN OUT

Confessions of a Two-Team Fan

2007-01-17T11:26:00.000-05:00

Growing up in Connecticut, I was always strangely a Denver Broncos fan. They were my only team that wasn’t local (the Red Sox, Whalers, and Uconn being the other teams to which I claimed undying allegiance to). The Patriots were an afterthought my parents rooted for despite being mired in the Dick MacPherson-Hugh Millen years. John Elway was my Jesus, and I worshipped at his temple every fall Sunday. When the Broncos played the Pats, it was an excuse to rip on my parents as Elway, Shannon Sharpe, TD, and co. beat them silly.

Then, in 1999, the Patriots were supposed to move to Hartford. Bob Kraft even signed a deal with the mayor of Hartford and governor of Connecticut to move the team to a new, downtown stadium. Then, out of the blue, he reneged and scurried back to Foxboro. I had debated where my loyalties would lie if they had moved to Hartford, but decided to remain steadfast to the Broncs. This treason made it all the easier to hate the Bledsoe-Pete Carroll era Patriots.

Soon, things changed, and I went to college in New Jersey, surrounded by the typical New York-New Jersey area Yankees fans. A diehard Sox fan (more so than of any other team), I was their foil: a loudmouthed, obnoxious Red Sox fan singing the praises of Manny, Pedro, and yes, Johnny D. Naturally, it was assumed I was a Pats fan. Well, of course, at this point the Sox hadn’t won a title, the Whalers hadn’t existed in five years, and Uconn didn’t really matter, seeing as we were all matriculating at a small D III school. Needless to say, most people didn’t quite understand the Broncos thing, given that I had to admit I had never been in the state once in my life and knew no one from there. I realized two things. First was that saying I was a Patriots fan to people was a whole lot easier than explaining that no, I’ve been a Broncos fan since I was four, despite any rational reason why. Secondly was that, well, I really respected the way the Brady-Belichick Pats played the game, especially after Super Bowl XXXVI.

I played high school football for an old school, tough, Italian coach who implored us to play the game the right way. Selflessness, and an all for one mentality were valued above all else. Everyone should know their role, play their hardest, and do their job, no questions asked. Amazingly, I found those qualities in the team I had been trying my hardest to despise in light of their owner screwing over my hometown. It was as though I had just realized that the girl who lived next door all my life was my dream girl. Of course, I still felt conflicted, especially as the Broncos recovered from their post-Elway malaise and came to rival the Patriots. To this very moment, when the two teams play, I feel wholly conflicted in a way a parent must when they watch siblings compete against each other (sure you’re guaranteed a winner, but also a loser).

This season represented for me a pinnacle in inner torment. I now live in New York’s unofficial “Sixth Borough,” Hoboken, NJ, a town with a large influx of New Englanders, and a much smaller population of transplanted Coloradans. I work in an office full of the same Yankees, Giants, and Jets fans that surrounded me in college. Since I started in July, needless to say, people here came to quickly know me as the department’s newest and perhaps most obnoxious Red Sox fan. Once again, as NFL season hit, I realized it was difficult to explain the whole Broncos thing. Now that we’re in the playoffs (and that the Pats dispatched of the Jets, no less), I realized, that frankly, it’s easier to just go with it. I even finally sucked it up, and asked for (and received) a hat with one of the cooler logos of all, time, Patriot Pat, which I’m now wearing with regularity over my standard Red Sox hat.

I don’t expect that everyone feels it’s kosher to have two teams. I understand. I took heat in college when I started to root for the Pats on a more vocal level. My co-blogger even called me “fair-weather” this weekend. That’s fine. It’s not that I ever expected this to happen. If you had told me in 1999 that I’d seriously while in New Jersey, no less, be growing into a Patriots fan, I’d have laughed my ass off. But, the allure of the Patriots, my local team, a true team, is proving strong. I still like the Broncos, don’t get me wrong, but as I grow older and wiser, perhaps I’m seeing the error of my ways. The girl next door keeps looking better and better.

The 10 People You’d Hang Out With In Sports Heaven

2007-01-15T22:21:00.000-05:00

We’d all like to hang out with sports celebrities. You know in your heart of hearts you’d trade all your friends to chill with an athlete and be homeboys (as the kids say). But, because I continuously feel the need to ripoff David Letterman, there are 10 people/groups that would be the best to hang with. Here, in top 10 list fashion, they are:

First, others receiving votes: Any offensive lineman (guaranteed a great meal, if you can get any food, that is), Emeka Okafor (a night of intellectual conversation, I’m sure), James Laurinitis (When your dad was “The Animal” you know you’ll get some stellar stories), Maria Sharapova (um, duh), Ben Roethlisberger (the conversation goes, You: “dude you should totally try and jump off the bar and onto the pool table 25 feet away,” Him: “hell yeah man, I’m gonna do it!” and then the fun ensues), Michael Irvin (hey, he’d hide your hashpipe, which is pretty cool), Mark Cuban (He’d make stalking college girls seem somehow not awkward).

10. Tank Johnson. Sure, there’s always the risk of getting capped in the ass, but you know if it happens (or when, as your viewpoint may be), you got enough ammos to take over Basra. And that, my friends, is peace of mind.

9. Scott Van Pelt. Every time I watch Sportscenter, I get the impression that SVP is the kind of guy who’d be fun at a bar when you’re chilling with your friends, doing hilarious impressions of your other friends and awkwardly trying to pick up chicks. He is, without a doubt, the best SC anchor out there right now.

8. Daniel Snyder. Not only could he buy you anything you asked for, but you could hang out with celebrities like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and try and figure out exactly what the fuck is going through their heads. You’d go to some reallllly nice place, have a $75 plate of duck and a $1000 bottle of red, then go pick up strippers. At least, this is how I picture what I’d do if I were filthy rich…

7. The 2004 Red Sox. I don’t care if you’re a Yankees fan, any team that shares a cup of Jack Daniels before the biggest game of their lives is pretty sweet. Plus, if you read any of the books about them, it’s pretty obvious they had the craziest locker room in baseball maybe ever.

Mike Tyson. Ever have a night where you and your friends don’t have any definite plan and just want to see where the night goes? Well, if your friend was Mike Tyson, odds are it would end up with cocaine, booze, strippers, Mitch Green, BJ’s all around, and Heidi Fleiss. And that’s a helluva time.

5. Nate Newton. One word: spliff.

4. John Daly. You just know you’d end up at some redneck bar, smoking Marlboro Reds and sucking down Jim Beam while watching fat redneck chicks with eight teeth throw themselves at Daly. Of course, the next morning, when you wake up next to Daly’s leftovers might be a little painful. Perhaps he wouldn’t be as much fun as hanging out with Newton…

3. Matt Leinart. Speaking of leftovers, Leinart’s might be just a slight upgrade over Daly’s. I mean, good lord, this guy knows how to freaking party and who to party with. This could not possibly end poorly. I can only dream to be that guy.

2. USC songgirls. Because no one wants to hang out with a bunch of attractive, promiscuous coeds, I guess I’ll fall on the sword, take one for the team, and escort them out for a night in a sunny LA. The things I do for blogging.

And this brings us to the coolest athletes in town, the guys you know you’re a guaranteed a memorable time with…your 2006 Cincinnati Bengals!

Things that are guaranteed to happen:
· Massive drinking
· Drug use
· Domestic violence
· Fun with cops
· Gun possession (albeit not at Tank Johnson levels)
· The chance to meet NFL commissioner Roger Goodell

All good clean fun, hence why the Bengals are number one in something, finally. Really, there’s no chance this wouldn’t end well.

The Biggest Busts in the NFL, 2006

2007-01-03T14:43:00.000-05:00

Alright, first of all, I know what you’re all wondering…”Where in the holy hell have you been of late, Richie K?” Well kids, the answer is simple, we’ve been out banging moms, duh. Of course, it also has been an issue that Brandon actually got employed (read his stuff now on page D10 of local greater Baltimore newspapers for that important Goucher-Villa Julie women’s college basketball report). But I digress. What good would a blog post be if it didn’t contain the typical vitriol necessitated by the genre? So, let’s get to brass tacks here. It’s time of course for another top 10 list. The list? The biggest busts of the 2006 NFL season. And yes, Brandon, the Skins are on the list, sorry.

10. Eli Manning. His stats aren’t terrible, and the Giants made the playoffs, but when you’re a fought over #1 pick in his third year starting, well, you ought to not be a weekly emotional question mark. I know Philip Rivers has struggled recently, but yeah, just a little bit of a difference…

9. The Seahawks. Like Eli, Shaun Alexander, Matt Hasselbeck and co. are playing in January, but they won’t be marching in like they were last year. I know they’ve been banged up, but the loss to San Fran was just…terrible. It really does make me question if this team won’t lose to the Bears by 37 should they play.

8. The ‘Skins. All I heard this summer was, Joe Gibbs is gonna be able to take this team with all these weapons and a solid D deep into the playoffs because he’s such a great coach and has all these weapons. Well, ahem, co-blogger, that hasn’t exactly happened now has it? Now they’re out of the playoffs, starting the backup, have a coach who looks just like an old man, and hell, I haven’t even heard of a good Clinton Portis outfit in weeks!

7. The Cardinals. They are who they always have been! I think Edgerrin James kind of wishes he went to a team that had, you know, an offensive line. At least Matt Leinart became a Dad. I’m sure he can take solace in that and the amount of grade-A poontang he gets to bury his face in every day. Otherwise this chic NFC West pick has been a disgrace to what is apparently an awesome stadium.

6. Daunte Culpepper and the Dolphins. I couldn’t really separate one from the other. Remember the preseason hype for these guys? It was, “they finished so well and now they have a former all-pro at QB.” Well, guess what? Apparently Daunte spent a few too many days on Lake Okeechobee because they started ice cold, and he got benched for Joey Freaking Harrington. At least they sort of re-created a strong end of season run again; I can’t wait for them to be predicted to win the Super Bowl again next August. They should bring back Shula.

5. Jon Gruden. Wasn’t this guys supposed to be a boy genius? Christ, I don’t care if you have to start Bruce Gradkowski, if you’re so damn smart, you can do better than 4-12. At least he still has his spleen, though.

4. The Steelers. They lost two key components of their championship team in The Bus and Randle-El, and they weren’t exactly the most dominant champion ever, and, of course, Ben Roethlisberger decided to test how many lives he has, and yeah, they are now .500, but still, defending champs aren’t supposed to be 8-8. Their season really does remind however of the Patriots 2002 season where they finished 9-7 but then the dynasty rolled on.

3. Jake Plummer. Teams with championship aspirations shouldn’t ever have to bench the starting QB. I mean, hell, even Trent Dilfer held his job. Yet, here the Broncos find themselves. I remember a Bill Simmons column last year where he compared Plummer’s revival year to Rich Gannon’s career. Well, needless to say whereas Gannon late in his career became an MVP, Plummer finds himself on the path to clipboard-dom. Too bad; his beard last year was pretty kickass.

2. Randy Moss. Has any player ever suffered a more precipitous decline in fantasy value? I mean, wasn’t it just like three seasons ago that he was the only receiver you’d consider as a 1st round pick? Now, granted Zack Braff’s retarded quarterback character from “Garden State” is likely better than the Brooks/Walter combo in Oakland, but still, Moss has basically admitted to not giving a shit while on the field. Way to go Randy.

1. The Panthers. Sigh, I too bought into these guys. I really liked them, especially with DeAngelo Williams. Instead, they’re out of the playoffs again. Oh well. I’m not bitter just because they ruined both my preseason picks and my weekly picks, nah, not at all. Damn you to hell John Fox!!!

Now, we’re going back to banging moms. Stay tuned.

FIX MY REDSKINS !!!

2007-01-02T23:37:00.000-05:00

5-11.

That's many things. It's the height of tallest girl I'll have sex with. It's the 11th day of May. It's San Francisco's area code. It is NOT the record my Washington Redskins should be ending a season with. Maybe the Arizona Cardinals. Maybe the Cleveland Browns. Maybe the Houston Texans. But NOT the Washington Redskins. So what went wrong?

We started a Rogaine model (Mark Brunell) at QB for far too long, while I sat on my couch screaming and punching myself in the testicles hoping through some cosmic force, Joe Gibbs would feel my pain and put in the future, Jason Campbell. He did. When we were all but out of the playoff chase. Clinton Portis - running back, interview guru, Flavor Flav's sloppy seconds - seperates his shoulder in the pre-season showing the defense how to make a tackle. They didn't watch closely enough, as they blew more tackles than the fat chick at the club when the NFLers come in on Sunday night. Our pass rush was actually sickening to watch. I threw up chili on my John Riggins jersey watching them flail around like seizuring special ed. students versus every NFC East team. The secondary is either too old or too young.

You want solutions?

Start with the talent on the team already. It's there. Two vastly different, very talented WRs, with the best slot guy/return guy/trick-play guy in the game - Indiana QB Antwaan Randle El - will help Campbell take the next step. His tight end, Chris Cooley, is going to make a few Pro Bowls down the road; the guy can catch, run and block from several positions on the field, plus his hair is just amazing. Plus, he's got that last name that sounds like people are booing, but they're really saying COOOOOOOOley. Kinda like DUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE. Or ... BOOOOOOOOOOO Williams. I like those kind of players. And with that talent, the ball needs to be in the air more than it was this season. The capability for a truly balance offense is there, when you take a look at the running game; featuring Ladell Betts - who boggled my mind this season with his tenacity - and CP. The smart play here? Go wish-bone, Gibbs. OLD SCHOOL! Get them both out there. Put Cooley in front, and Betts and Portis behind him; move Cooley around, move Portis around; go to a strong set, an I set, whatever; but those guys both need to see time. They're both getting paid like starters, anyway. Start 'em.

Defensively, the talent is there, and showed it at times. But a big-time pass-rush is needed, more consistent play from the DT position and Gregg Williams and his bloated salary need to teach someone how the hell to tackle. And knock down a pass. Force a few turnovers. This guy gets paid like a head coach, and is about as loved in Washington as Osama Bin Laden. Dump this hillbilly off on the Colts, or some other chump defense. (Why isn't Darrell Green coaching anyone on this team? DBs? Special Teams? Get him a job, ASAP. And Charles Mann.)

Now for free agency.

Dwight Freeney needs to be offered a contract so big that first day of availability that he actually orgasms. Dan Snyder is the guy to do that. (Plus, he's got Tom Cruise's witchcraft to help sway the deal.) Honestly, a few years ago, I thought he was going to with Jevon Kearse. Eagles beat him to the punch; and we start Phillip Daniels and a 49er reject at DE. Granted, Andre Carter started to pick it up at the end of the season, and the 'Niners were so bad the past few seasons teams ran on them 3 of the 4 quarters - hence eliminating the need for a pass-rushing guy like Carter - but the guy is a slouch, plain and simple. And I know you're saying Freeney is going to re-sign. How? The Colts D is so bad, they need to spread that money around; a corner here, a DT there; not one lump sum for Freeney. I want Freeney, and I want to either re-sign Derrick Dockery, or bring in a replacement. This offensive line is talented - see: Ladell Betts running for 1,000 yards - so it'd be best to re-sign him and keep them together; but there's talent out there in either the draft or free agency to replace him if he decides to venture off.

As far as the NFL Draft is concerned, the no. 6 pick is a great one to have - if you need a building block. We don't. Brady Quinn, Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson, Dwayne Jarrett, Ted Ginn Jr., Greg Olsen, Joe Thomas, Gaines Adams, Quentin Moses and Laron Landry are those type of guys. Notice the quantity. Some team is going to want to trade up to get one of those players. Lets trade down, to the middle of the round, and pick up the best player in this entire draft: Paul Posluszny. I will buy 25 jerseys myself if this guy is a Redskin. Watching this guy play gives me and my golffish erections. I almost want the Packers to take him, so they can amass the greatest linebacking unit of Caucasians ever, but I'm greedy. I want him. I want Gibbs stumbling over his name during press-conferences. I want Gregg Williams' replacement patting him on the butt after he bleeds all over Eli Manning. I want an immovable object in the center of my defense to remind the nation's capital what this country was built on: Burying cocky receivers who come across the middle. Add with the third round pick we get with that trade, and we get ourselves a decent enough CB or OL prospect. I'd love to take Brandon Meriweather - who's stock plummeted in that fight vs. FIU - and pair him with another thug from Miami - Sean Taylor - and watch the first live decapitation in NFL history as they high/low Donte Stallworth next season.

Hey, Gibbs. Do those things, you get yourself another Super Bowl ring with a black quarterback. HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!

Rich Kotite (Bangin' Your Mom) At The Movies !!!

2006-12-20T20:00:00.000-05:00

"Rocky Balboa"

3 out of 4 Smiling Kotites (Yeah; that's a smile ...)

There are a few things in this world that get any man riled up: A sexy woman, a few shots of tequila and the music from "Rocky." Whether it's the original instrumental version, or the Survivor "Eye of the Tiger" power ballad / instant erection (for me anyway) from the sequels.

"Rocky Balboa" doesn't stray far from the road that led its predecessors to success:

Step One: Establish Likeable Underdog Status for Protagonist.

Step Two: Establish Dominant Antagonist for Underdog -- Preferably a Minority (Mr. T, Apollo Creed, George Washington Duke and this versions Mason Dixon) or Foreigner (Ivan Drago).

Step Three: Establish Some Sort of Love Interest.

Step Four: Show Vastly Different Training Montages.

Step Five: SHOWDOWN! with a) ring entrances, b) motivational speech for Rocky, c) first and/or second and/or third round domination by underdog and then finally d) triumphant Balboa wins over the crowd, earns his opponents respect and rights all wrongs.

However, this "Rocky" - out of all the sequels - is the most similar to the original, which dominated the 1977 Academy Awards, and launched our boy Sly into the spotlight. The story begins in a graveyard, at Adrian's headstone, who seems to have past between film five and six from, as Stallone later describes, "Ladies Cancer." He lives in a crappy Philadelphia house (although in that city, what house isn't crappy?) and has two pet turtles in his bedroom, feeds the birds outside some sort of candy and does roughly six chin-ups a morning with his coffee. He runs a somewhat successful restaurant, with, what Paulie sums up in the funniest part of the movie, "... a bunch of Mexicans cookin' Italian food ..." His son is some sort of financial bitch, and seems to be doing OK for himself. During all this, we see glimpses of the current heavyweight champion, Mason "The Line" Dixon - another phenomenal name from the "Rocky" saga (played decently enough by current Light Heavyweight Champion Antonio Tarver). He's not the people's champion Balboa was, and, in many ways, we see Stallone taking jabs (pardon the pun ...) at the real boxing scene.

The most confusing part of the film - to Rich Kotite, anyway - was the character of Little Marie. Remember her from the first one? The cigarette-smoking, street-walking little girl? She's bartending now in South Philly, at a place I'm sure a ton of Eagles fans inhabit on game day. Balboa comes in to reminisce about a date he and Adrian had there years before, and is recognized by Little Marie. He drives her home, which begins what appears to be a courtship/friendship/parentship of Marie and her son, "Steps." ("Steps," by the way, was fathered by a Jamaican man, to which Balboa replies "Jamaican huh? So he's European?" Sly Stallone may be the only person on the planet who could deliver that line and actually convince me of the sincerity.)

"Steps" slowly turns into the son Balboa wishes his own boy was; the two buy a dog together, he gives the kid a job in his restaurant and he even takes him into the gym during the training montage.

Anyway; back to the plot. ESPN - that SOB - is what ultimately gets Balboa back into the ring. After showing a computer-generated bout between the current versus former Heavyweight champion, Balboa wins and pisses off Dixon, who has been searching for a way to regain his popularity with the Pay-Per-View buyers he so dearly wants to impress. Dixon's manager and publicist find their way into "Adrian's" to make an offer to the Italian Stallion - after learning of its location from "Cold Pizza" and Skip Bayless (who should be shot in the fucking head). Balboa accepts - after learning some of the proceeds will go to charity, of course - to a ten-round exhibition in Las Vegas; and then, my friends, the movie goes from good to orgasmic.

The training montage we've all grown to love hits hard, with an appearance from Apollo Creed's old manager, Duke (Tony Burton, one of only four actors to appear in all the films, by the way ...), telling Balboa he's got no speed and is falling apart. Balboa's only chance, Duke says, is the line that made me want to stand up and punch the lady next to me: "What we will be calling on is blunt force trauma ... Let's start building some hurting bombs ..." Solid gold. 100%.

Once the fight is on - and Balboa enters the ring to Frank Sinatra singing "High Hopes" - the action finally picks up; waiting for the climax like only the first "Rocky" did. Dixon warns Balboa not to try and hurt him, or else he'll punish the old man. Balboa does what he knows how to do: Leads with his chin and works the body. These scenes are the only ones Tarver looks comfortable in, pummeling a somewhat jacked, somewhat geriatric Stallone on and about the head and face.

I won't give away the ending, but it doesn't end with a senile Balboa screaming and crying "ADRIAN!" on his way to the nursing home (like I'd feared).

Overall, the film is exactly what you'd expect it to be: A cookie-cutter version of the series, with a modern twist. Look for Mike Tyson making a jaw-dropping cameo in Las Vegas, and keep your ears open everytime Paulie speaks. If you're a fan of the old "Rocky" movies, see it. If you're a boxing fan, see it. If you have something hanging between your legs, see it. Tell 'em Richie Kotite sent ya!

Welcome to BCS High

2006-12-18T22:55:00.000-05:00

32 bowls sure seems like a lot.

It’s basically the same number of students as you might kind, as say, in a high school, especially if said high school is a large public one where education takes a backburner to football and the average SAT is about an 870 on the old scale. Each bowl, like each student, is unique, but comparable. Here now is each and every bowl and the kid from your high school you knew:

Poinsettia: Slutty but ugly chick. She’s first to give out the HJ’s your freshman year or sooner, and you know you can easily get your first bit of satisfaction from her, but despite this, you know you shouldn’t because the only reason you would is because it’d be first. You know you could do better.

Las Vegas: Awkward looking kid who doesn’t belong. BYU fans in Vegas are like sticking UNLV’s hoops team in the Salt Lake bracket. It’s just a misfitting situation not benefiting anyone, just like the foreign exchange student who doesn’t speak English in the FUBU sweatshirt.

New Orleans: Fat ugly girl with the cleft lip. You can’t look at her, she’s so ugly, you want her to go away, and you wish she didn’t exist; yet she does.

Papajohns.com: The kid you don’t know anything about but don’t really care about either. Maybe this kid never says anything, maybe he reads Kurt Vonnegut books all through lunch at a table by himself. He seems harmless, but he also seems like you don’t know where he lives, what his real name is, or anything about what he does after school ends. He’s there, but who cares?

New Mexico: The obviously introverted kid. He keeps to himself, stays at home all the time, and nobody outside his family gives even the slightest crap about him. Kind of like how only New Mexico Lobos fans care about the New Mexico bowl, so it’s lucky the Lobos are in it…

Armed Forces, GMAC, and Motor City: The losers who have some sort of kinship because of how loserly they are. You know the type; they’re similar in some freakish way, and hang out all the time, but no cool kid will ever even acknowledge them or give a care about seeing them ever.

Hawaii: The kind of hot foreign girl who doesn’t talk to anybody. Sure, she’s kind of cute, and she lives in a nice area, but she keeps herself down and doesn’t dress nearly hot enough to really want to get to know her. She’s also really introverted too and likes to stay within her family, just like how Hawaii seems to always end up in this bowl year after year.

Emerald: The kid who used to be really cool but then got fat and stupid by 8th grade and everybody stopped being his friend. Everybody used to think this kid was cool, but then it became obvious he was overrated and all his success was built on his former glory days, in this case 3rd grade when he had all the coolest toys. Now he’s a shell of himself and nobody who’s anybody acknowledges ever liking him. Hello, FSU (and to a lesser extent, UCLA).

Independence: The kid somebody’s friends with who shows up at parties but no one really wants there. I mean, he’s OK, but would the world go on without him? Hell yeah it would. Does Alabama really want to go to Shreveport? Eh, no.

Holiday: The ridiculously underrated girl. She’s hot, and smart, but unfortunately for her, too smart. She consistently outperforms some of the cool girls, is kind of rich and lives in a nice area, but she’s just not able to bring in the football stars. She does get noticed once she hits the Ivy League, however and then all the guys in high school realize how much they screwed up.

Texas: The chick who somehow gets herself between two guys who used to be best friends. Hello NFL Network and cable providers everywhere. This girl isn’t really that hot, but somehow got stumbled into every girl’s dream where two hot guys are fighting over her like there’s no tomorrow. Maybe her family won the lotto or something, but it is what it is.

Music City, Sun, Liberty: The third tier kids who show up together as a group at parties, bring some weed, but otherwise, no one cares that they’re there. You know the types, they’re usually entertaining for a few minutes when they show up at parties, and you talk about something, but then you go back to doing keg stands with your real friends. It’s like, if I didn’t have New Year’s Eve off from work, would I care about the Sun Bowl? No, no I would not.

Insight, Champs Sports, MPC Computers: Another group of weirdos nobody acknowledges. They’re like the Armed Forces, GMAC, and Motor City weirdos, but they play Dungeons & Dragons at lunch instead of Magic: the Gathering. In the case of the bowls themselves, they just happen to be later in the schedule, but just as meaningless in the bowl social strata.

Meineke: The kid you know is going into the military from day one. He shows up in a ripped Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt and fatigues with a flattop haircut his first day of freshman year and from then on just calls the football players jackasses and quits the wrestling team because the coach doesn’t “get him.” He just wants to go kill him some al-Qaeda. Kind of like how this bowl has a hankering for some Naval Academy every year.

Alamo, Chick-Fil-A: The otherwise cool kids with some critical defect. They could be just as cool as the cool kids, really, but they have some issue, like, they dress slightly off, or have no sense of humor, or are secretly poor, just SOMETHING that keeps them from the top echelon of popularity. They’d like to be there, and everybody seems to pretty much like being with them, but there’s just that something missing right now.

Outback, Cotton, Gator, Capital One: the kids who think they’re totally awesome, and the really cool kids hang out with them at all times, but then make fun of behind their backs. Just like how Steve Spurrier used to say about the bka Citrus (now Capital One) Bowl, “You can’t spell citrus without UT (Tennessee)” as a dig against the bowl the SEC’s #2 team went to. Everybody below them would die to hang out with these guys, but the truly elite just mock them.

Rose, Fiesta, Orange, Sugar: The elite. These guys are the coolest kids, but they’re still at the beck and call of their leader, the BCS Championship. Picture Lacey Chabert and the other girl in “Mean Girls.” (What? It was on Saturday night at the party I was at, sue me). A lot of people are content just to be dating them (Wake, Louisville, Boise St.) while others REALLY wish they could be with the Rachel McAdams character, aka the Championship (see: Michigan, USC, OU, ND, LSU).

International: The kid in the trenchcoat you’re scared of and confused by. Who is this kid? Where did he come from? Why is he in the room with the rest of us? He sits in some far off corner, says nothing, but is there, almost as though he’s plotting some terrible plan to justify his dark, pointless existence. Just like a bowl in Toronto. In mid-January. After the BCS games are done.

The BCS Championship: The hottest chick everybody wants. Everybody, no matter how lowly or otherwise popular wants this girl (or guy, as the case may be). This bowl is the head cheerleader, starting QB, and lead singer all rolled into one. You HAVE to be cool with this bowl to be anybody. People fight over it, cry over it, heck, maybe even kill over it. It is the crème de la crème.

Put Big Mac in the HOF

2006-11-29T22:22:00.000-05:00

Think back to 1994, specifically, August 1994. Baseball stopped. No World Series, no .400 average for Tony Gwynn, no playoffs in Montreal, no World Series for the Braves to lose in. Baseball ceased. Now, think to early September 1995. Cal Ripken broke Lou Gehrig’s “Iron man” record. Baseball modestly creeped back into national consciousness. Now, refer to the infamous and still referenced commercial featuring Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine and their catchphrase “Chicks Dig the Longball.” What player most epitomized America’s infatuation with the longball in the late 90s? Certainly there’s only one answer to that: Big Mac, Mark McGwire.

The summer of 1998 was baseball’s resurgence. McGwire and Sosa captivated the country, cliché as it sounds. Only two games have been on FOX in primetime outside of the playoffs: Big Mac’s 62nd homer game and the first Sox-Yanks game in April, 2004. The chase to Maris was more “Wag the Dog” effective than anything President Clinton could’ve otherwise used to get the country’s attention off the whole Lewinsky thing. BIG MAC BROUGHT BASEBALL BACK. Look, we may have very well been duped (in fact, we likely were), but there is no Game of Shadows-esque rundown of McGwire’s doping schedule as there is Barry Bonds that tears him down and proves beyond doubt that he was a doper, and hence a cheater. Rather there is merely the scared testimony of a human in a suit before Congress one day 20 months ago.

But, in the end, so what if he did do steroids? Barry Bonds has been a cancer on the game; a plague everyone seems to just be waiting out before he goes away for good. He’s also considered a pretty huge jerk. None of these same things could ever have been said about McGwire before that fateful St. Patrick’s Day in 2005. Bonds may be a loving doting father for all any of us knows, but come on, McGwire and his son Matt were all over the news and pictures in 1998. People loved the guy, and baseball suddenly had that charm back on it for the first time since the strike occurred. Add into the mix the sunny Dominican slugger, Sammy Sosa, and this was a marketer’s dream.

However, in a way that Sosa continuously sullied his good deeds as his career wound down (the cork incident, injuries, infighting while with the Cubs, issues with the O’s), Big Mac retired gracefully once his bat speed and career were obviously over. Maybe there was a reason for this, but it’s possible the guy actually knew he was done (why this was the case may also be up for debate, of course). He hasn’t exactly been an ambassador for the game since retirement, and again, for all any of us can speculate, there may be a reason for that, but what isn’t up for speculation is that for one magic summer, this man was what brought eyes back to baseball and put people in seats. No one would even care about the hearings in Washington or that Jose Canseco wrote a book and is now up for election too if Big Mac hadn’t spent his 1998 summer sending balls all over parks with his son and a smile. Say what you will about how he may have done it, but you can’t tell me he didn’t make you care about baseball again and that you don’t still feel the way you did in 1993.

Go Home, Homers !

2006-11-08T22:32:00.000-05:00

How many times have you sat down, hoping to be enlightened by the so-called "experts" of the sports world, only to be completely blown away by the sheer one-sidedness that they have towards their own alma mater or former employer? ESPN hires ex-players because they seem to make the most natural progression to the booth. But - as evidenced by former Hurricane WR Lamar "Don't Come Into The OB With That Weak Stuff" Thomas' comments during last month's Miami-FIU brawl - you can take the player out of the system, but can you take the system out of the player? From 10 to 1, here's the biggest homers in the sports world ...

10. Stuart Scott, University of North Carolina Tar Heels - The lazy-eyed wonder himself barely beats out Maryland's Scottie Van Pelt for SportsCenter anchor ACC pride. Scott makes the list simply because he cannot make it through a SportsCenter without letting you know if a Tar Heel did something big, and beats out Van Pelt because there's way more of a chance for Stu Scott to be calling a Vince Carter highlight than SVP calling a Steve Blake base-line jumper. Boo-yah!

Punishment: Scott should be forced to call a UNC football game twice a year. And get some friggin' surgery on that eye. Not even as punishment. Just so people can eat while he's on TV.

9. Shannon Sharpe, Denver Broncos - This guy has a head like Shrek, lips like a burnt Cher and the audacity to never pick against his former team, even when they're severly over-matched. He's the constant optimist for Jake Plummer, makes sure no one ever forgets he played with John Elway and loves Mike Shanahan more than Grandma Estel Shanahan does. I'm not sure if you can find the clip on Youtube or not, but I'm 99% sure that on last year's pre-Super Bowl coverage, when asked if Pittsburgh or Seattle would win, he picked Denver.

Punishment: Sharpe should have his eyes pried open a la "Clockwork Orange," be strapped down and forced to watch all of Jake Plummer's post-season games as a Bronco. And that weird Bronco hat should be surgically attached to his massive head.

8. Digger Phelps, University of Notre Dame Fightin' Irish - How can a college basketball analyst talk about a mid-level team so much? When he coached said mid-level team for 20+ years. He thinks they should be in the NCAA Tournament every year, despite not having a winning record or talented starting five. He wears their colors on most of his broadcasts - although he's since stopped so that he can match his freaking highlighters to his ties, a tip he got from watching too much "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

Punishment: Take away the highlighters, first of all, and then make him actually watch the Notre Dame teams play the Big East elite. But make sure you take away the highlighters. Please.

7. Rich Eisen, University of Michigan Wolverines - Don't have the NFL Network? Don't bother. It's basically Rich Eisen interviewing former Wolverines, or mocking former Notre Dame, Michigan St. or Ohio State players for not being Wolverines. He seems to be quiet at least once a year, though, and it's usually the week after Jim Tressel spanks Lloyd Carr.

Punishment: Since he's a regular on VH1's "I Love the 80's" and "I Love the 90's," he should be forced to come up with witty remarks about the 1993 NCAA Championship game. "Fab 5? Is that what Chris Webber got on his SATs?" Beat that, Michael Ian Black!

6. Howie Long, Oakland Raiders - Thank God Gruden left, because if Oakland had been good for much longer, FOX was going to have to ban Long from talking about the greatness of the Raiders. But even know, with his former team an embarrassment to its great history, Long still picks them to win games, and still thinks they have the pieces in place to win. The first five weeks of this season were surreal to watch on FOX's pre-game show, as Long thought first Aaron Brooks, and then Andrew Walter would bring the team victories. He loved the Art Shell hire, the only person on the planet to do so besides Shell himself - although that isn't even certain. Here's hoping the Raiders don't draft his son ...

Punishment: Stick him on the team right now. He'd probably kill himself or ask to be traded like every other smart player on that team ... That or put him and Tom Jackson in the same room before a Raiders v. Broncos game, surrounded by blunt objects.

5. TIE Peter Gammons, Boston Red Sox AND Dick Vitale, Duke University Blue Devils - Two of the most respected professionals in their field, each one absolutely oozes allegiance to a team despite their consumate "professionalism." Gammons got his career started in Boston covering the Sox, and praises everything they do. He grew up a Sox fan, and despite his fantastic coverage of professional baseball, he tends to lean a bit towards Boston in most of his critiques and predictions.

The same cannot be said about Dick Vitale.

Vitale has absolutely nothing to do with Duke. He didn't go there. He didn't coach there. He didn't grow up rooting for them. His parents didn't go there. His mother's maiden name isn't Krzyzewski. And yet every single thing he does, every prediction, every break-down, every praise ... Is directed at the Blue Devils program. He has an extreme bias for Duke, so much so that college coaches have even called him out for it. His favorite cartoon dog? MarmaDUKE. Favorite first person video game from the 90's? DUKE Nuke'em. His favorite position in a sovereignty? A DUKE.

Punishment: They're both too old to really do anything mean to. We'll make Gammons watch the Buckner play over and over, and ... Oh, just shoot Vitale in the head. Dipsy-doo-dunk-a-roo that, baby!

4. Kirk Herbstreit, THE Ohio State University - His dad was a captain for the Buckeyes. He was a captain for the Buckeyes. How can you impartially bestow "expert" knowledge of the game to us when you grew up hating some of the best teams, and then played against those programs yourself? Lee Corso needs to be medicated, but at least he doesn't always pick his Florida State Seminoles. Herbstreit defines the term "homer."

Punishment: Make his first-born son go to Michigan. And like it.

3. Tim McCarver and Joe Buck, St. Louis Cardinals - How can a broadcast team as different as this one both be Cardinals fans? McCarver is a legally retarded, and was a catcher for the Cardinals organization for most of his playing career. Buck, who was born and raised in St. Louis, by his father Jack - the legendary Cardinals announcer - began his own broadcasting career calling games for St. Louis' minor league team, the Redbirds. He then worked Cards games with his dad, before getting hired as a national broadcaster. So how do let these two in a booth together? During the World Series featuring the Cardinals??? I was waiting for Ozzie Smith to start doing the sideline report ...

Punishment: Aside from never being allowed to call a Cardinals game together again, both men should have the Cardinals logo tattooed on their foreheads and have their vocal cords pecked out by a few real cardinal birds.

2. Michael Irvin, University of Miami Hurricanes AND Dallas Cowboys - The only duel threat on this list, Irvin is an NFL analyst for ESPN that manages to defend both the Hurricanes and Cowboys on a weekly basis. Never before has a former player brought so little to the broadcasting world in terms of talent, and yet had so much to say, so poorly dressed. You'd think a born-again Christian cokehead would have more sense ...

Punishment: Make him wear a regular black suit, white dress shirt and solid tie. Every day.

1. Jay Bilas, Duke University Blue Devils - If you've ever heard Bilas call a Duke game for ESPN, or listened to him in the pre- or post-game coverage of one, you damned well know where he went to school and played his college ball. You can actually measure on his body how far up Mike Krzyzewski's ass he is. The guy was a four-year starter for Coach K, went to Duke Law school while serving as an assistant to Krzyzewski and cleaned his office twice a week, too. He has never picked against Duke on the air, wears a one-piece "Blue Devils" pajama outfit (with attached feet) to bed and has almost as much of Coach K's semen in him than Mrs. Krzyzewski (and Dick Vitale).

Punishment: Paint him up like a Cameron Crazy and force him to watch JJ Redick's tournament games versus Kansas in 2003 (2 for 16 shooting), UConn in 2004 (4 for 12), Michigan State in 2005 (4 for 14) and LSU in 2006 (3 for 18). And then sit down and listen to some of Redick's poetry, while watching a Duke football game.

*BP*

Get Ready for it: President Heath Shuler

2006-11-08T18:58:00.000-05:00

Hey guys at StopShuler.com, get ready because by 2020, you may have to stop Shuler from making the trek from Capitol Hill to Pennsylvania Ave. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the facts. The guy just won an election at the age of 34 in a red state as a Democrat. Not only that, and going largely on my preconceived, stereotypical notions of the greater Asheville, NC area, I’m going to gather this victory was more uphill for Heath than beating Spurrier’s Gators in the Swamp or Gene Stallings’ Tide in Tuscaloosa.

What’s to say that he can’t next win, say, current Senator Richard Burr’s seat off of him in 2010? Everybody knows Democrats LOVE boyish looking senators from North Carolina (hello John Edwards), so, do I smell 2012 Vice Presidential nominee? Yes, yes I do, just like I smell North Carolina bbq emanating from the Outer banks or the carcass of John Bunting coming from Chapel Hill. A ticket of oh, Eliot Spitzer/Heath Shuler? After a campaign of constant references to Jack Kemp and full support in the metro Philadelphia, New York, and Dallas areas, Shuler would be prepared to graduate to the oval office after a successful two term run of vice presidential cliché espousing full of sports references (inauguration day example: We’re going to give 110%!!!) to being compared to that other DI football presidential dynamo, Gerald Ford. And then, by 2028, at the age of 56, Shuler’s wife will start running for congress, also perhaps extolling the virtues of “Mountain values,” a concept I in the Northeast consider more foreign than Borat.

I hope you read this Heath; any derivation from this plan and you will be nothing more than some Jim Ryan clone languishing in the House. You already sucked ass in the NFL, do you really want to be a TWO-career failure???

2006-11-06T16:42:00.000-05:00

The Play - Stanford vs. Cal

"We won! We won!! We ... WTF just happened out there???"

2006-11-05T23:56:00.000-05:00

In honor of my Washington Redskins dramatic, entertaining, thrilling and dynamic finish Week 9 versus the Dalls Cowboys, here is a list of the greatest single-play finishes to games in my lifetime.

(And keep in mind, I'm counting from conception, not birth ... I had to get Cal-Stanford on here somehow ...)

Marshall 31, Youngstown State 28

- 1992 Division I-AA Championship -

In what is the most bizarre story on this list, Marshall's back-up kicker Willy Merrick
kicked the first and only field goal of his career to end this title game.

The injured starter?

Willy's older brother.

Needless to say, Thanksgiving dinner was a little tense at the Merrick household in 1992 ...

Colorado 27, Michigan 26

- 1994 -

In this match-up between two top ten teams, Kordell "Slash" Stewart threw a hail-mary pass to receiver Michael Westbrook as time expired to keep their championship aspirations alive.

(Just years later, "Slash" made Pittsburgh fans want to "Slash" their throats and wrists, as it seems all he was able to do for the Steelers was throw similar passes - mostly to the other team.)

California 25, Stanford 20

- 1982 -

With a mere :04 seconds to go, Stanford was all smiles, having just kicked a field goal to put them up 20-19 over the rival Golden Bears.

And then ... chaos.

Laterals, pitches, hand-offs, broken tackles, frogs, locusts ...

And then ... A band?!?

The play-by-play is timeless, as is the saxaphone player getting completely doushed at the end of the run.

Southern California 34, Notre Dame 31

- 2005 -

Watching this game live, I felt equal pain for both Trojan fans and Fightin' Irish fans alike. A) for not being the University of Maryland, and B) for the life-shortening stress the game put them through.

I was sweating as Brady "AJ Hawk owns me for banging my
sexy sister" Quinn led his boys down the field for an 87-yard TD drive, and I was soaking through my second t-shirt as Matt "I was a Trojan for four years
but never learned how to use one" Leinart fumbled the ball out of bounds in the end zone as time expired, but then was given a second chance by the officials
to sneak into the end-zone - with major help by Reggie "Shave Your" Bush.

With all the weapons on that team, a basic "QB Sneak" was so unexpected ...

Sort of like ...

Cole "Mommy Said Daddy Loves Her But Isn't 'In Love' With Her" Cameron-Leinart.

(Sorry for the nicknames, I got into my Berman mode.)

Boston College 47, Miami (FL) 45

- 1984 -

Flutie Flakes.

Hail Mary.

Heisman Trophy.

You know the play ... But the stat you may not know?

Doug Flutie had sex with 346 Boston College females that night.

North Carolina State 54, Houston 52

- 1983 NCAA Championship -

Fitting that a dunk does in the team nick-named "Phi Slamma Jamma."

This wasn't the best title game ever, or note-worthy for any other reason than Wolfpack coach Jim Valvano's reaction ... and the last play of the game.

With precious seconds ticking off the clock, NC State heaved up a prayer; a prayer that - thankfully - fell short. While everyone's eyes were on the ball, spinning slowly in the way only a last-second shot can, Lorenzo Charles found his way under the hoop, and slammed home the victory.

Houston took the loss so bad, they decided to never be good at college basketball ever again ...

Valparaiso 70, Mississippi 69

- 1998 NCAA Tournament First Round -

How much money did Bryce Drew cost some gamblers in 1998?

The all-time scoring, assisting and 3-point shooting Crusader,
Drew drained the most miracle of 3's with fractions of a second left to win his daddy a tournament game, and knock off a pretty scary Mississippi team.

Now?
Bryce is his dad's assistant coach at Valpo, and there isn't a player on the team - or an undergraduate female - who hasn't heard the story of when ol' Bryce made it rain.

San Fransisco 28, Dallas 27

- 1982 NFC Championship Game -

"The Catch."

'Nuff said.

Joey Montana to Dwight Clark to beat the unbeatable Cowboys with less
than a minute to play. It doesn't get much better than that.

Unless Montana was Jessica Alba, and Dwight Clark was Lindsay Lohan, and instead of a catch, it was a kiss ...

Tennessee 22, Buffalo 16

- 2000 AFC Wild-Card Game -

The "Music City Miracle" that buried the Bills of Buffalo.

At the post-game press-conference, Titans coach Jeff Fisher would say he made the team go over the play three times a practice, but with different personnel.

Does that make it any less amazing? A width-of-the-field lateral from TE Frank Wychek to WR Kevin Dyson that was shakier than Michael J. Fox ice roller-blading, "Home-Run Throwback" ends the Bills season 75 yards later, and extends the Titans'. That is why they invented the squib kick, and why Wade Phillips should never be considered for a head coaching job again ...

Blue Jays 8, Phillies 6

- 1993 World Series Game 6 -

The only thing uglier than Mitch Williams' mullet and delivery was the hanging cheese he threw to Blue Jays sluggers Joe Carter in this historic World Series game. Talk about a walk-off. Carter walked off the field a hero, while "Wild Thing" walked off and straight to a bar, never to be seen or heard from again.

Check the country music circuit, with that 10-90 Alabama Waterfall he had going under his hat ...

Dodgers 5, A's 4

- 1988 World Series, Game 1 -

Bottom of the ninth.

Full count.

Every hitter's dream/nightmare.

With Hall of Fame closer Dennis Eckersley on the mound, it was shaping up to be a nightmare for Tommy Lasorda and his Dodgers. After a walk to pinch-hitter Mike Davis, Lasorda sends out a crippled Kirk Gibson to pinch-hit for his pitcher. The agony on this guys face before and during the at-bat is almost as powerful as the excitement and joy in it afterwards.

The power that was Eckersley's moustache was - for the first and only time - thwarted.

Yankees 6, Red Sox 5

- 2003 ALCS, Game 7 -

I'll spare the details so I have a blogging partner after he reads this; but the gayest moment of my entire life - not that there's anything wrong with that - was when I became fully aroused at the sight of Aaron Boone's pinch-hit, extra-innings walk-off home-run off of Tim Wakefield and his knuckleball in the bottom of the 11th inning in the Bronx.

(Unfortunately I was at my grandmother's house when it happened ... )

USA 5, China 4

- 1999 World Cup Championship (female) -

I've never watched a more unattractive woman rip off her clothing and been smiling.

With the game tied at 4-4 on penalty kicks, there was one chance left for America.

And as 90,000+ people prayed in the Rose Bowl - and a few million lesbians watched on TV - Brandi Chastain lasered a goal past some Asian chick (sorry, but they really do all look the same ...) to win the World Cup for the greatest country in the history of the universe.

(It also marks the only time I've watched soccer and been somewhat excited.)

- BP

The Worst Champs in the last 30 years

2006-10-31T23:10:00.000-05:00

When the Cardinals won it all Friday night with their 83-78 record, I immediately wondered if they were in fact the most mediocre champion ever. I decided to take a tour through the championship histories of the major sports and have compiled a top 10 list of the worst champions in the last 30 years, as it seemed a pretty modern sample. Of course, for some reason, I don’t think guys like David Eckstein or Jerome Bettis on fairly average championship teams really care how they won, but that they won. This list isn’t meant to denigrate any of these teams of course; they’re all champions, and that’s something I haven’t been able to say since 5th grade pee-wee football. Legendary teams or dynasties, like the ’72 Dolphins or 1960s Celtics, however, these teams ain’t. Enjoy and comment:

10. 1977 Portland Trail Blazers. This team, led by Big Red himself, Bill Walton, and Dr. Jack Ramsay as coach represented the Blazers 1st trip to the playoffs and only championship. The Blazers had a record of 49-33, good enough for 2nd in the division, and had an even better 1977-78 season, but were a dynasty by no stretch of the imagination, not reaching the Western Conference Finals again until 1989-90. In fact, they didn’t even win a playoff series again until 1983. Walton and Ramsay represent the only hall of famers on this team.

1978 New York Yankees. The 100-63 record is surely nothing to sneeze at, and this team featured vast array of Hall of Famers, but the reason for inclusion here is that if the Red Sox had not collapsed in an epic way, this victory never would’ve happened. Simple as that. Mike Torrez and a steady wind are what really got the Yankees title # 22.

8. 1984 BYU football. Robbie Bosco led the Stormin’ Mormons to a 13-0 season, and he and coach Lavell Edwards won the school’s only national title by defeating Michigan (6-5 record) by a touchdown, 24-17. BYU, the WAC champ, was the only undefeated team going into that bowl season, and as WAC champ, was tied into the Holiday Bowl, which, at the time, was like Boise St. winning the title after winning the MPC Computer Bowl over some average ACC team like Virginia. Long story short, by running through a crap conference, BYU won it all.

7. 1997 Florida Marlins. This was obviously a star-studded team. But it somehow only won 92 games to get the wild card behind one of those Braves teams that soon enough folded in the playoffs (to the Marlins). But, this team is on the list more so because it was the ultimate one hit wonder, as the entire core of it was gone by 1999 and had no success in the years from inclusion in baseball 1993 through 1996 (80-82 record).

6. 1988 Kansas basketball. Danny Manning fans of the world are up in arms because of this, I know. But, this was a 6 seed that really frankly barely won. Some of the more egregious stats surrounding this team: beat 14th seeded Murray St. in the 2nd round by 3 points, never faced a seed higher than 4th until the final 4, won the title over conference foe Oklahoma in the championship…in Kansas City, team came in unranked, and due to violations, Jayhawks weren’t allowed in the 1989 tournament. This wasn’t exactly a “One Shining Moment” team.

5. 2000 New York Yankees. I guess when you win 26 championships, some of your teams are better than others. In this case, the Yankees most recent championship team was an 87-75 group that lost 15 of its last 18 before rallying to win its third straight championship and fourth in five years. Luckily, this fairly mediocre season came in a year when the AL East was down, and that consecutive division title streak the Yanks have going would’ve been halved.

4. 1990 Colorado football. Arguably the most controversial of all pre-BCS shenanigans, this 11-1-1 team split with Georgia Tech, who finished the year 11-0-1. As if that wasn’t bad enough, one of those 11 wins was the infamous “five down game” where against Missouri the refs awarded the Buffs a fifth down at the goal line accidentally and Colorado capitalized and won. The Buffaloes refused to give up the game despite knowing they’d obviously won on human error.

3. 2006 Pittsburgh Steelers. This may be a bit of a projection, but when you lose to a team as bad as the Raiders the next season, well, it kind of goes to show maybe you just weren’t all that great to begin with. Add in the facts that along their run last year Carson Palmer got injured in his first pass, Nick Harper inexplicably cut towards the middle of the field, and the refs may have played a role against the Seahawks, and this 11-5 #6 seed seems to be the worst Super Bowl champ of all time. Any one of those things not happening and perhaps Coach Cowher is still in search of that 1st title.

2. 1985 Villanova Wildcats. This list isn’t meant to diminish Cinderella runs, much as it seems that way. But, anyway you slice it, ‘Nova was one of the worst champions ever. I mean, Ed Pinckney led the team, after all. It also won its first three games by a TOTAL of 9 points before hanging a 12-point victory over UNC in the elite 8, and a 7-point victory over Memphis St. in the Final 4. Then, despite shooting 78% from the field against conference foe Georgetown in the final, the Wildcats still only won by two points against a Hoya team that had already beat them twice that season. Plus I think I heard half the team was on coke or something.

And now, the worst champion of all time…your 2006 St. Louis Cardinals!!! First of all, thank you to the Wildcats, you have been a great champion for the last 21 years, but your reign of mediocre championship dominance is now over. When you finish a season of 162 games (or 161 in this case) a mere five games over .500, you’re likely not even getting to the playoffs. This season, teams with better records than the cards to not make the playoffs were: Toronto, Boston, the Chi Sox, Angels, and Phillies. Yet, because of how bad the NL Central was, the Cards slid into the playoffs despite three runs of losing more than five games in a row down the stretch. Like the Steelers a few months before them, the Cards fit the mold of a consistent winner that in the season it looks like they’re down, they catch fire in the postseason, and, when combined with experience, win it all. But really, they still kinda aren’t THAT great. Congrats to them though.

Break out the lube ...

2006-10-25T19:45:00.000-05:00

Be honest with yourselves right now. Is there anything sexier than a woman who knows sports? You're right. A sexy woman who knows sports. And is there anything better than a sideline reporter in that regard? They talk to the men whose jerseys you wear (well, not Alexander Semin's), they ask the coaches you worship the tough questions (well, not Rich Kotite) and they have access to the locker rooms you would give your first-born child to get into. But have you taken the time to stop and stare? Have you ever asked what makes them tick? Right here, right now, is the top 15 Women of Broadcasting I've been masturbating to for years ... I mean ... respecting for their on-air talents for years ...

15. Pam Ward – Apparently too sexy to be on camera, ESPN stuck Pam Ward behind a microphone and crammed her into a booth, where she's been calling play-by-play on Saturdays for some college football games with that deep, seductive voice for years. She gets her hair-cut at the same barbershop most of us do ... And she’s also the only woman on this list with testicles, so she’s got that going for her. Which is nice.

14. Pam Oliver – She puts the fox in FOX. Pam Oliver got more attention from quarterbacks in the 90’s than any receiver in the game; thanks, in most part, to the most fantastic rump in all of sideline reporting history. Thank God for it, because she had one of the biggest foreheads in all of sideline reporting history, too. She wore a lot of hats to try and cover it up, but I know what was going on beneath those things. Still … Oliver was a spellbinding reporter, often getting the scoops her male counterparts couldn’t. Weird how rich, black, single men open up to a woman with a phenomenal ass, isn’t it?

13. Bonnie Bernstein – An All-American gymnast at Maryland – Mr. Ward’s alma mater as well – Bonnie Bernstein could pass as a beauty pageant contestant … if only she didn’t have that lazy eye. It took down Stuart Scott, too. Boo-yah!

12. Linda Cohn – With a nicer haircut, a sexier outfit and a decent push-up bra, you’ll be tuning into SportsCenter for Linda CONES. The First Lady of ESPN, you know Stephen A. Smith is sweating that big ol’ New York booty in the cafeteria.

11. Michelle Bonner – Another behind-the-desker over at SportsCenter, Michelle Bonner should just drop one “N” in her last name, because that’s what she’s giving to the countless numbers of men who tune in to see highlights. When she comes out from behind the desk, though, she’s got a little bit of a gut. What? No treadmills in Bristol, CT? I bet John Buccigross has hit it, though … And Neil Everett … And Scottie Van Pelt … And Trey Wingo … twice … Rece Davis and Brian Kenny just got hand-jobs …

10. Tina Cervasio – Tina Cervasio wins my award for best smile. Too bad she’s a Boston Red Sox reporter, where there isn’t much to smile about. Weird, because she worked for George Steinbrenner’s propaganda channel YES a few years before ... Turncoat! Cervasio is yet another Maryland alum on this list, meaning crab cakes and football isn’t all Maryland does. It produces marginally talented sideline reporters. With great behinds.

9. Erin Andrews – A sorority girl down at Florida, Erin Andrews is a leggy blonde that covers baseball and football for ESPN. She looks like your stereotypical Southern trophy wife, only pre-nose job. She should get on that …

8. Sam Ryan – While Michelle Tafoya was off having my love child, her replacement on MNF was this dazzling brunette. Ryan also covers the New York Yankees for CBS in New York, which could explain why they haven’t been winning lately … Eye’s on the ball, guys; not Ryan’s butt. (Although that doesn’t explain A-Rod, does it?)

7. Heather Cox – Heather Cox went from “American Idol” to ESPN’s sidelines … and right into my Spank Bank. Cox is the first reality show star to segue into broadcasting, and hopefully not the last. I’d love to see some of those “Flavor of Love” girls on the sidelines … Actually; I’d like to see Flavor Flav on the sidelines. Neither of them can sing, though.

6. Suzy Kolber – If she’s good enough for Broadway Joe, who am I to judge? She’s the only woman on this list to have an endorsement contract (hawking Chevrolets) and the only one to be hit on by a Hall of Famer. Her accent and trying-hard-to-look-like-she’s-not-trying look work for her … She’s probably a tiger in the sack, too.

5. Melissa Stark – Probably the most under-rated hottie on this list, Melissa Stark sort of looks like a hybrid of a few of the Melrose Place ladies. She may have appeared hotter than usual when she was on Monday Night Football, standing next to John Madden and all, but Stark belongs near the top of this list regardless. Great cheek-bones. And really sexy ear-lobes, too.

4. Rachel Nichols – Hello, Red. Rachel Nichols is fairly new to the sideline reporting scene, but sports fans everywhere should be glad she’s finally here. The fiery redhead is most known for her unblinking reports, the reason, perhaps, that her fantastic rack is often overlooked. I wonder if she’s red all over … *wink*

3. Jill Arrington – She’s the definition of what a sideline reporter should be: Tall, blonde and the daughter of an ex-quarterback. She also threatened Melissa Stark in an interview, saying “I’d take her down. She’s just a little thing.” Hopefully she takes her down into a kiddie swimming pool full of chocolate pudding and whipped cream. And the “little thing” is describing their bikinis.

2. Lisa Guerrero – This muy caliente reporter has never worked with Steve Lyons, which may or may not be a bad thing. Lisa Guerrero deserves much more air time, regardless of the game or sport, based purely off of her body. It’s sort of like homecoming court or SGA elections in high school: The pretty girls win. As they rightfully should. In all things. And did you see her in Playboy? Perfect nipples. That goes a long way in my book.

1. Lesley Visser – The Diane Lane of our list, Lesley Visser is still going strong. She started working the NFL sidelines in 1984 – a year after I was born – but she still revs my engine. Visser was the first woman to really cover professional sports, paving the way for the rest of the ladies on our list, and she also pioneered the shoulder-length hair-do, apparently so the players or coaches she was interviewing wouldn’t get aroused. Didn’t work. Visser is as bonerific now as when she began … The MILF of the sports world.

Schadenfreude...Life in New York

2006-10-25T13:29:00.000-05:00

Life in New York

Ahhh, it’s like the air is fresher, the sky is bluer, and girls who are marginally attractive in the summer still seem marginally attractive despite having begun that slow winter descent back to winter weight. Baseball has purged itself of Gotham franchises! No longer will I, as a Red Sox fan living in enemy territory be bombarded with caps in various shades of blue with interlocking NY on them. The red B on mine will no longer be looked at and mocked by those whose teams made it to the postseason, which, I might add, I have been diligently watching, as its my duty, Judy.

I can come into the office, and we are all on square one; we are all once again looking forward to sunny spring days scattered across Florida wondering how the season will begin. Sure, in the end, I have nothing against Mets fans save for when they piled on during the Boston massacre, Part II, and they are in fact kind of like Russia is to the US in the geopolitical spectrum: we share a common enemy we are both hell bent on destroying. Yes, in this case, the Yankees equal al-Qaeda…follow me through here.

Who knows what 2007 will bring? It’s already shaping up as one of the craziest offseasons ever anyway, at least in the northeast. Now, you have to add in the fact that the Mets and their fans, who thoroughly figured this was the year they returned to the promised land are looking down the pipeline at a season sans Pedro, an El Duque who may be farther into his forties than he’d care to put on his work visa, an aging Glavine and Trachsel, and a rotation filled with some guys (Maine, Perez, Heilman) who could go either way. Sure the lineup should once again be great in Flushing next year, but clearly it wasn’t good enough this year. Then of course you have the $200 mil. Running choke that is the Yankees, and the walking, breathing ER unit that is my Red Sox, who last played a game what seems like ages ago, and last played a meaningful game like epochs ago. But, alas, at least here in the northeast corridor, we’re all back at square one. Misery loves company…the awesomeness of Schadenfreude.

A picture is worth a thousand words ...

2006-10-24T23:10:00.000-05:00

Your creators, boys and girls. Just so you can put a face with the names. Brandon on the left (licking the picture of ... some hairy guy) and Brendan on the right (GQed with the chin-hold).

Jerseys to Avoid

2006-10-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

It isn't easy being a sports fan these days. Free agency is killing the games we love. And free agency is making it hardest on the jersey industry. How many people have an "Owens" 49er jersey in the back of their closet? An "Arrington" Redskins jersey? A "Webber" Kings jersey? Big name players have no allegiance anymore, forcing us to go and buy yet another jersey almost every season. With that in mind, here's a list of the jerseys you may want to avoid at a sporting event, for several different reasons ... (We here at Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom are trying to compile an entire roster - # 00 through # 99 - so please, post a comment with a # and name if you think you've got a winner -- or loser ...)

NUMERICAL ORDER

# 02 – WR Darrell Blackman, North Carolina State Wolfpack ... Not a safe jersey for a white guy at an NC State game.

# 03 – PG Chubby Cox, Washington Bullets ... Mr. And Mrs. Cox went to all of young Chubby's games, but never understood why the announcer's were so hesitant to recognize their young son for his outstanding plays.

# 04 – P Sam Koch, Baltimore Ravens ... "Koch really drilled that one" is something even Ray Lewis laughs at when it comes on over the loudspeaker.

# 05 – D Naif Al Qada, Saudi Arabian National Soccer Team ... Close enough to get a double take during the World Cup. Avoid this jersey if you're in an airport, as well.

# 06 - 1B Joe Adcock, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim ... Joe Adcock. He 'ad some balls, too!

# 07 – C Gregor Fucka, Winterthur FC Barcelona ... This guy has gotten his coach a few technical fouls for just calling out his name.

# 08 – SG Vinny Del Negro, Phoenix Suns ... Again; my caucasian brothers, avoid this one in public.

# 09 – F Ahn Jung-Hwang, Korean National Soccer Team ... The only jersey Michael Jackson owns.

# 10 - F Dean Windass, Bradford City Bantams ... While not pronounced the way you'd think, no one stood behind him on the sidelines regardless.

# 11 - QB Casey Dick, Arkansas Razorbacks ... Not a popular Dick on campus with Mitch Mustain in the picture.

# 12 – PG Pee-Wee Gash, Tennessee Volunteers

# 14 – C Radek Bonk, Montreal Canadiens

# 15 – QB Jim Bob “JB” Cooter, Tennessee Volunteers ... Lots of Volunteers on this list. But I guess that's just the South for you.

# 16 – SF Matt Bonner, Toronto Raptors ... It's pronounced "Bon-ner." But he played in Canada, where it's pronounced "Boner."

# 17 – D Dan Shittu, Watford ... The Hooligans have a good time with Danny Boy in the Premier League.

# 18 – SS Jack Glasscock, Indianapolis Hoosiers ... He must've had a tough time with the ladies.

# 19 – WR Damarius Bilbo, Dallas Cowboys

# 20 – CP J.J. Putz, Seattle Mariners

# 21 – CB Randall Gay, New England Patriots ... No one will buy this jersey in New England, ever.

# 22 – PF Rudy Gay, Memphis Grizzlies ... He may become an all-star, but he's not going to sell a lot of gear.

# 24 – SS Harry Colon, New England Patriots

# 25 – LB Wilford Blowe, Chattanooga Mocs

# 28 – LW Alexander Semin, Washington Capitals ... This guy has some shot.

# 29 – SS Adrian Aye-Darko, Duke Blue Devils ... Do not taunt the brothers with this jersey. Although it's Duke football, so no one would see you if you wore it to the stadium.

#30 - OF Brian Asselstine, Atlanta Braves

# 31 – SP Ted Lilly, Toronto Blue Jays

# 32 – G Ron Tugnutt, Edmonton Oilers ... Wow. Tugnutt. Good goalie.

# 33 – D Zarley Zalapski, Hartford Whalers

# 34 – RB Ben Gay, Cleveland Browns

# 35 – SP Darren Sack, Sonoma State Seawolves

# 36 – LF Johnny “Ugly” Dickshot, Chicago White Sox ... With the last name Dickshot, I found it amazing his nickname was "Ugly." Not very creative teammates in Chicago at that time, I guess.

# 38 – DB Demarcus Faggins, Houston Texans

# 39 – SP Dick Pole, Boston Red Sox ... Boston fans love Dick Pole. And they like this guy, too.

# 40 – SP Chien-Ming Wang, New York Yankees ... I want to hear a "WANG! WANG! WANG!" chant from the Bleacher Creatures on FOX soon and see how Joe Buck reacts.

# 41 – RP Jimmy Gobble, Kansas City Royals ... Poor guy must've had a tough high school career.

# 42 – LB Gary Lovely, Brigham Young Cougars ... At least he's a linebacker.

# 44 – RB Curtis Enis, Chicago Bears ... I know a lot of these jerseys were sold when he was drafted as the Bears savior. I know a lot of letter "P"s were drawn on them when he was a bust.

# 45 – OF Rusty Kuntz, Chicago White Sox ... Wow. Just ... Wow.

# 47 – LB Lucious Pusey, Eastern Illinois Panters ... His parents did not like him as much as his brother, Lemmetouchyour.

#49 - RP Harvey Haddix, Baltimore Orioles ... Harvey Haddix; and balls, too.

# 50 – LB Jeff Gooch, Tampa Bay Buccaneers ... For those of you who don't know, that's the part of your body between your asshole and your ballsack. He has a Super Bowl ring, though.

# 51 - SP Jung Bong, Cincinatti Reds

# 53 – SP Jordan Tata, Toledo Mud Hens ... *giggling*

# 61 – OL Johnny Flowers, Southeastern Louisiana Lions

# 65 – RG Heath Cockburn, Furman Paladins ... My personal favorite. Here's hoping he makes it to the NFL.

# 66 – Driver, Dick Trickle, TropArctic Pontiac ... Trickle is funny. Dick Trickle is unreal.

# 72 – LG Jason Spitz, Green Bay Packers ... Lets hope he never lines up next to a center named Swallows.

# 74 – RT Todd Weiner, Atlanta Falcons ... Weiner. His name is Weiner ... Uhh huh huh, huh ...

# 79 – LT Guy Whimper, New York Giants ... Tough last name for an offensive lineman.

# 80 – TE Alex Spooner, Cornell Big Red ... He's an Ivy Leaguer, so don't feel too bad for him.

# 81 - WR De’Cody Fagg, Florida State Seminoles ... He's an NFL prospect. I can't wait for Mel Kiper to talk about him on Draft Day; mostly because of his size. "I love Fagg here. Fagg fits in great here. Big Fagg."

# 85 – TE Ed Wang, Virginia Tech Hokies

# 87 – TE Kyle Sackrider, Michigan State Spartans ... This name is mind-blowing. What nationality is "SACKRIDER?"

# 90 – DT Quinn Pitcock, The Ohio State University

# 93 – DE Cory Dix, New Hampshire Wildcats

# 96 – DT Pat Kuntz, Notre Dame Fighting Irish

# 98 – Driver, Greg Sacks, Thorn Apple Valley Ford ... I can recall a time when he was being drafted in a race, and the announcer actually said "He is just tapping Sacks, folks. But Sacks is still hanging around. Sacks will not be intimidated."

TO vs. the Bronx Bombers, which was the Bigger Story?

2006-10-09T14:22:00.000-05:00

This weekend featured two very major story lines: the return of a certain wide receiver into the jungle of “The Linc” and the epic demise of the $200 mil Bronx Bombers? But which was the bigger story? Which one will have the more long lasting impact? The tale of the tape below:

Hype:

TO: Fear of bloodlust in Philly, pillboxes raining down on the field, various homophobic/racist catcalls, 1/8th of the fans arrested, possible dismemberment of Owens.

NYY: Really none. After Game 1 it was pretty much assumed this would be a sweep.

Amusing Moment:

TO: The FOX pregame group having to be basically sequestered from the Philly fans, who apparently were being given free beer. All this so as to save Jimmy Johnson’s ass after the last time the crew was in the Iladelph.

NYY: Any New York tabloid backpage.

The Game(s):

TO: Was basically Bledsoe’s second option to Mrs. Terry Glenn all day, which lead to pouting, no TD’s and really a very disappointing final total of 45 yards.

NYY: Detroit’s staff came up big time, Jaret Wright unsurprisingly sucked, as did the Unit, and A-Rod had one hit for the four game series dropping his post 2004 ALCS game 3 line to 5 for 46.

Reality of what Happened:

TO: No injuries, no one tried to bring in a Colt .45 to take him out from the stands (that has been made public anyway), in fact, he was a non-factor largely. But it was a damn entertaining game.

NYY: Instead of just rolling to a sweep, or at worst a four game victory, the Yanks bats fell silent at the hands of the Tigers young staff, and they’re eliminated.

The Future:

TO: The Cowboys dropped to 2.5 games behind the resurgent Birds and TO is looking more and more like a #2 in Big D, leading me to wonder just when his next outburst will be and when Parcells just absolutely loses it.

NYY: Man, what isn’t going to happen? Apparently Torre’s fired, Sweet Lou’s in, A-Rod, Sheff, and Bernie at the very least are gone, Barry Zito or Jason Schmidt is about to become a very rich man likely, and Steinbrenner’s head may just explode. Whether or not this happens before Parcells’ head exploding, I can’t say.

The Winner:

Pregame hype: TO
The game itself: TO
The future: The Bronx Zoo

What's Wrong With the Yankees ... and How to Fix It.

2006-10-09T13:56:00.000-05:00

The popular pick to win this years World Series was my New York Yankees, mostly because of the scariest line-up to step to the plate in years, if not ever. Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland called this Yankee lineup “Murderer’s Row and Cano.” From top to bottom, every Yankee has been an All-Star; as many as A-Rod’s nine to Cano’s single trip – and they’ve got ex-stud Bernie Williams sitting on the bench, too. Throw in Randy Johnson, Mike Mussina and Mariano Rivera and you’ve got an All-Decade team.

And that was – and will continue to be – the problem.

When the Yankees were collecting their rings in the 90’s, they had some All-Stars, and some MVP candidates and even a few Cy Young hopefuls. But not at every position. And that’s where my thinking kicks in.

Luis Sojo. Scott Brosius. Shane Spencer. Luis Polonia. Chad Curtis. Jimmy Leyritz.

The most clutch of Yankee clutch hits have come off the bats of some of the most random Yankees. Why? Possibly because the opposing pitchers were so frightened of David Justice coming up, Paul O’Neill slapping a double or a Bernie Williams home run. Pitchers aren’t that different in big situations than any other athlete. Much as an offensive lineman knows he has to play a great game to shut down Michael Strahan, or how an opposing center knows he’s got Shaq on the schedule tomorrow; so too does the pitcher know he’s got a dynamic Yankee lineup digging into that box all day. So when they can take a breather, relax for a second in the midst of the onslaught, they make mistakes. Scott Brosius is a World Series MVP because of it. Jim Leyritz will get laid and never pay for a drink every time he’s in the Bronx because of his walk-offs.

And because this New York Yankee team was even better than the last few, well, to put it bluntly, they had no shot. The Yankees should’ve seen this coming – Joe Torre should’ve realized it at the very least – when they didn’t start overtaking the Red Sox until Gary Sheffield and Hideki Matsui were out of the lineup. Torre stripped Melky Cabrera of his potential playoff greatness by inserting a still-injured Matsui back into left. Not only would Andy Phillips’ glove had helped at first, but he would’ve been the lethal no. 9 hitter in that lineup. In my humble opinion, Sal Fasano and Craig Wilson needed to get post-season at-bats for this team to win.

I know it doesn’t make any sense, and yet, it makes all the sense in the world. Those championship teams in the 90’s had players that knew their roles. They advanced the runners, they played stout defense and had tremendous pitching. Sort of like … the Tigers this year.

This Yankee team won’t be seeing that NY on any World Series rings until they remedy this … well, unless they buy Jason Grimsley’s 1999 one off of eBay.

You want the quick fix? In my eyes there are a few possible solutions.

The Joe Torre rumors? Make them reality. Get rid of this lump. Watching Torre in dugout, I thought I was looking at Terry Schiavo in a Yankee uniform: No physical movement, and no brain activity. The reason you’re hearing Lou Piniella’s name as a replacement is because the guy isn’t afraid to kick an All-Star in the ass once in awhile. Torre was a great manager; he won those Series’ in the 90’s with an average team. He knew when to bunt, when to make a pitching change and when to let Scott Brosius swing away. But George Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman made things too easy on him. With an All-Star team on the diamond, you can’t really manage. You just sit there and wait for them to produce the numbers they’ve produced all their lives. Unfortunately, when half of them have injured wrists and the pitchers are all using “Just for Men” before their start, you have to realize they don’t make for a good team. Is it out of the question to bring back Joe Girardi? He’s actually played with a lot of these guys, and won with them and proved he can coach. I want him or Piniella on the bench. And please, please, please bring back Don Zimmer. We can’t win a big game without him!

Other things that needs to be done?

Barry Zito needs to come to town, and Randy Johnson needs to leave it. Carl Pavano needs to either step up or just go ahead and do gay porn full-time. I want Philip Hughes on the roster next season; in the bullpen or the rotation. It worked for the Red Sox with Papelbon, it worked for the Marlins with … every position player on the roster and it worked for the Tigers and Twins with Verlander and Liriano. If the guy is a big prospect, let him prove it.

Gary Sheffield never should’ve came to New York – Vlad Guerrerro should be out there. Now is the chance to let him go, giving us an outfield of Hideki Matsui, Johnny Damon and Bobby Abreu, with Melky Cabrera giving whoever needs a day off a break.

Jason Giambi needs to, first off, discover what shampoo is, put on some non-steroid muscle, and learn to hit to the opposite field. Andy Phillips or Eric Duncan needs to be the full-time first-baseman, and whoever wins the job needs to work endlessly with Don Mattingly to become a stud, the way Nick Johnson never did. Go Nats!

Mike Myers and Scott Proctor need to be shot in the head and left in a dumpster somewhere in the Bronx. The Yankees need middle relief that isn’t cast off by our competition. They also need a set-up man not named Kyle Farnsworth. I’d say Joel Zumaya, but the thought of David Ortiz getting a hold of a 104 MPH fastball and killing a fan in the upper deck with it in a big game scares the shit out of me.

And finally … A lot of people seem to think Alex Rodriguez needs to go somewhere else. I agree completely. It’s short-stop. If Derek Jeter is so dedicated to winning another ring, he needs to go to third base and let A-Rod play SS. Something needs to get this guy back in his zone. Jeter’s got the arm for 3B.

That all happens? The 2007 World Series is the Yankees over the Mets in 5.

A Math Equation

2006-10-09T11:12:00.000-05:00

Question: What does $80 million in payroll over the next highest team's payroll get you?

Answer: 1 playoff win.

God I'm happy to be in NYC for the aftermath of this...

The 10 Movie Characters That Could Play in the Pro's

2006-10-04T11:33:00.000-05:00

10. Matthew McConaughey as Ben Williams, CF – Can’t you see McConaughey playing college baseball for the Longhorns, banging the Dean’s daughter on the pitcher’s mound after a big win? The guy looks like a solid lead-off hitter with some speed and a decent glove. “Angels in the Outfield” should’ve been re-named “Wooderson’s in the Outfield.”

9. Wesley Snipes as Willie Mays Hayes, CF – Snipes seems to find himself in a sports movie once every couple of years, but this was one of his first. As the trash-talking, base stealing Hayes, Snipes comes off as a poor-man’s Kenny Lofton, and could probably have taken some playing time from him had the “Major League” Indians gone to camp with the real Indians.

8. Sinbad as Andre Krimm, DE – “Necessary Roughness” is one of the all-time underrated sports movies of all time, with cameos by a ton of NFL Hall of Famers including Dick Butkus and Earl Campbell (not to mention Evander Holyfield for some reason …). But what put it over the top are two over-the-hill men joining a college team. Scott Bakula didn’t do it for me as a quarterback (even though he rocked in “Major League: Back to the Minors”), but Sinbad looked right at home with a helmet on. The guy is huge, and I could really see him chasing someone around the gridiron.

7. Timothy Busfield as Lou Collins, 1B – The guy just looks like a first baseman. Granted, I don’t see him as the power hitter the movie portrays him to be, but he’s a good club-house guy, he gets the clutch hits when the Twins need him and he looked good in the glove in “Little Big League.”

6. Kim Wayans as Latisha Jansen, PF – What, I can’t give the WNBA some love? “Juwanna Mann” is a funny movie if you’ve never seen it, and this sister of all those Wayans’ boys is perfect – she plays a big, ugly forward who comes off as a sort of bi-sexual version of Lisa Leslie. I could see her in the league. Actually, I think I have …

5. Andrew Bryniarski as Steve Lattimer, DT – As good as this guy was in “Any Given Sunday,” he was ten times better as a steroid-abusing defensive lineman in “The Program.” The guy was a bodybuilder before he made it into some movies, so he has the size, and if you’ve ever seen this movie, you’d know he’s got the intensity to bust some heads.

4. LL Cool J as Julian Washington, RB – “Any Given Sunday” had Terrell Owens in it, Ricky Watters in it and a plethora of NFL icons, and LL Cool J was able to hold his own and look like he belonged out on that field. Oliver Stone directed this movie, and actually kicked people off the set who’d lied about their football experience (like Sean “P. Puff Diddy Daddy” Combs, who was originally cast as the quarterback Jamie Foxx played). Actually, before LL was cast, Stone auditioned a bunch of actors for the role, including Darnell Autry, but said “none of them looked like they could be pro football players.” (Autry, by the way, played for the Philadelphia Eagles and Chicago Bears and even appeared on the cover of “Sports Illustrated” when his Northwestern team upset a loaded Penn State team that featured three of the top 10 picks in that years NFL Draft.)

3. Benicio Del Toro as Juan Primo, OF – Most people would watch this movie and simply say, “Man, what was Robert De Niro thinking?” or “Man, Wesley Snipes looks just like Barry Bonds!” but I look at this movie and think, “Man, Del Toro looks like a ballplayer.” Playing fan-favorite Juan Primo, Del Toro is a big, cocky Latino ball player who ultimately gets killed in a sauna by De Niro, but not before showing off a Major League swing like Pujols and some glove work like Vizquel.

2. Kevin Costner as Crash Davis, C – Since it tops most lists as the best sports movie ever, you have to figure it’s because “Bull Durham” has a real ball-player feel to it, and you get almost 100% of that from Costner. I’m not saying this guy could push Johnny Bench out of the Hall of Fame, but he seems like the type of strong defensive catcher who hits 8th on an NL team and is a fan-favorite. A Sal Fasano for the movie world.

1. Dennis Haysbert as Pedro Cerrano, OF – I don’t know if you see it, but this guy reminds me of a more in-shape David Ortiz. He’s a big, black, bald stud of a hitter who can’t hit a curveball, can’t really play the field, but he’s a fantasy stud with those long-balls and RBIs. Haysbert nailed the role of Cerrano in all three of the “Major League” movies, and I’ve never been in a MLB locker room, but I can imagine that there is one nut like him in there … talking to his bats, using voodoo to hit a splitter, etc. Pedro Cerrano isn’t number one in your program, but he’s number one on my list.

Yankees Likability: From Scrubs to Sheff

2006-10-03T11:21:00.000-05:00

Brandon didn't want me to post this, calling it too Simmons-esque, but hey, whatever, I'm in a pissy mood here at work and I walked by Derek Lowe today in lower Manhattan. So, whatever.

(PS if it was indeed Lowe, of which I'm 95% sure, he had gross hair, hadn't shaved in a week, was wearing an all Nike basketball ensemble, and was with a woman clearly not his wife. He may have reaked of gin, too, but he passed by me too quickly...of course, how the hell was he up at 9am anyway? And despite it all, can we get him back in Boston? Please?)

Anyway, enjoy.

The Yankees are good. Damn good. And it pains me, a diehard Red Sox fan to admit it. That said, come October 2, Papi will be golfing in Green Bay whereas Jeter will be building up his Postseason legend (maybe) while A-Rod will once again be hitting .125 (.067 with runners in scoring position) while on a combo of Prozac, Ritalin and HGH (hey, whatever, rumormongering…it’s the internet, baby!). Since I’ll be forced to watch Big Stein’s minions for a month or so, I figured it’d be a good time to go over which Yankees it’s Ok to secretly respect and which under no circumstances can be rooted for. In fact, it’s a shame Giambi’s intestinal parasite from ’04 didn’t make its way on to them.

Oh, and PS: Kevin Brown…Greatest. Yankee. Ever.

Enjoy the list.

Group I: The Scrubs (TJ Beam, Brian Bruney, Sean Henn, Jeff Karstens, Darrell Rasner, Jose Veras, Wil Nieves, Andy Cannizaro, Nick Green, Aaron Guiel, Andy Phillips, Kevin Thompson)

Who are you? Do I know you? No. Were 95% of you enjoying the Boston Massacre Part II in Columbus? Yes. Will any of you not be in AAA next year? Likely not. Sure some of you like Phillips, Green, and Guiel were actually on the team most of the season, but only because the Yanks had no outfielders for six weeks. Andy Phillips=Bubba Crosby=Shane Spencer=Kevin Maas. There, I said it. I can’t hate you because a) I’ve never otherwise heard of you b) you’ve accomplished nada in the league in pinstripes and c) Trenton will be treating you just fine next season.

Group II: The “Not True” Yankees (Octavio Dotel, Cory Lidle, Scott Proctor, Ron Villone, Craig Wilson)

These are guys who will all likely be on the postseason roster, but are fairly new to their evilness and thus haven’t really had the opportunity yet to piss America off (especially its 51st state, Red Sox Nation). But they could with one key hit or relief appearance. I was tempted to make Craig Wilson a little more evil, as my fantasy team in 2004 was briefly called “The Mullets” for him and well…some other guy we’ll be discussing soon.

Group III: Give them Two More Years and I’ll Stick a Bullet in their Kneecap (Kyle Farnsworth, Chien-Ming Wang, Sal Fasano, Robinson Cano, Bobby Abreu, Melky Cabrera)

Most of these guys are also pretty new to being minions of the devil, but unlike the previous group are key contributors and have already started to piss me off. For example, Farnsworth may have been a bust, but he had that nasty curve against Papi in one of the earlier series in a clutch, bases loaded situation. Wang is getting dangerously…good, Fasano’s mustache is wayyyy too adored by his fellow guidos such as my co-blogger, Cano is also getting a little too big for his pinstriped britches, Abreu should be despised all the way on I-95 from the Philly fans he gave up on through the Mets fans he’ll burn in the World Series (so help me God, I hope I’m wrong) through Connecticut and Massachusetts, and Melky deserves scorn for those god-damned “Got Melky?” t-Shirts that keep popping up around the New York metro area. Seriously, though, after the “Got Rings?” version, are the Yankees just sponsored by The Dairy Farmers of America or what?

Group IV: I Despise You, But Damnit, I Respect You! (Mike Mussina, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Bernie Williams

These are the guys, that hey, I can admit, if the left their pinstripes at home and put on a red B, hell, I’d be happy. Here’s a brief synopsis of my feelings on each guy:

Moose: Seems like a good enough guy. Smart, likes to drink apparently, helped those kids from his hometown in PA when TWA flight 800 went down in 1996. Never has won a World Series, came off as decent in Faithful. Hey, he’s my “favorite” Yankee.

Jeter: Look, I don’t LIKE the guy. I mean he’s smug and a douchebag and all, and that play he made jumping into the stands on 2004? Well, Pokey Reese DID THE EXACT SAME THING A FEW INNINGS BEFORE JETER DID. But Pokey Reese isn’t Mr. Madison Ave., so no one remembers this. But, I won’t lie, when Jeter comes to the plate in a clutch situation, I just know it’s going to go poorly. That’s the definition of a good player. I just hope he has to retire a D-Ray or something.

Mo: Hey, the guy handed us the ALCS in 2004, so I got nothing but love. Plus, his reaction at the Sox 2005 home opener was affable. He seems like a decent guy, and hey, he has been pretty good during his career. And like I said, since the Sox kinda sorta have his number, I don’t hate him as much as I could.

Bernie: Well, I mean, he does play jazz flute, er, guitar, which is kinda lame. And he did spurn the Sox in ’97 when they offered him more money than Stein did, but Bernie’s loyalty, even if it is to evil, is still somewhat noble. Plus, now, he’s like watching Brett Favre in the outfield, where even if you’re a Bears fan, you just kind of feel bad. Though as far as I know, Favre has yet to release a crappy CD.

Group V: The ex-Sox (John Damon, Mike Myers)

Ok you dumbasses (idiots?) It’s not that we as Sox fans dislike you personally, it’s that we dislike your uniform and all who inhabit it. We remember all you did in 2004, but that’s the past now, and your pinstripes are your present and future, hence, why you get four word salutes now. Anyway, from Feeding the Monster it seems like Scott Boras was the real reason you’re in New York now Mr. Damon, and Theo not re-signing Myers was definitely a mistake, leaving us with whoever the hell Javier Lopez is as the only lefty in the pen. Still, you guys are freaking turncoats!

Group VI: I Just Mock You (Jaret Wright, Randy Johnson, Jason Giambi, Carl Pavano Double Play Rod)

These are the guys Yankee fans hate and everybody else, including us Sox fans hate too. Not because they’re really any good, mind you, but rather because they’re the overpaid mercenaries of the Evil Empire, all brought in to thus far (unsuccessfully, hahaha) win Big Stein that ring that’s alluded him these past 6 years. They’re cripples, juicers, geriatrics, or borderline psychos. Take a guess who’s who, and note A-Rod may be all at once! Wright’s just a tobacco spittin’ washout, Pavano spends more time wrecking his car in Florida than he does pitch, the Unit’s intimidating only cameramen nowadays, Giambi’s a known cheating fraud who is I guarantee still on one of his admitted drugs of choice, HGH, and A-Rod is well, yeah, see last week’s SI. The suit story is so damn good.

Group VII: I. Want. You. To. Die. (Jorge Posada, Miguel Cairo, Hideki Matsui, Gary Sheffield)

Ok, these are the guys that are the worst of the worst, the mast assholian of all. Assholian being a newly created word. Let’s analyze why each of these individuals will find themselves in Dante’s 9th ring of hell upon death:

Cairo: Some may question why he’s on the list. The answer is simple. I had to deal with Brandon’s idiotic comments about how underrated he was from 2003-04. He just annoys me in a way I’m sure somebody like Kevin Youkilis annoys him. Youuuuuukkkk!!!

Matsui: The guy is a lethal hitter. His family also would’ve been ended in Hiroshima if I had anything to do with it. He is the ugliest player in baseball today, oh wait except for…

Posada: He looks like a toad and has balls the size of one. Seriously, can anybody ever forget him jawing with Pedro in the 2003 ALCS? What a loser. He’s an overrated perennial all-star, constantly keeping more deserving guys out. He’s so good the Unit’s run through about 3 “personal” catchers since he got to the team. Of course, the good news as long as he’s there Stein won’t buy off Joe Mauer’s soul. I hope.
And now, as mentioned, the King of all Pinstriped Petulance, Mr. Gary Sheffield: Oh Sheff, how do I hate you? Let me count the ways. But I won’t, as this has run on too long anyway. All I’ll say is, you’re crosseyed, old, your pre-swing bat twirling is gay, you did steroids and were Barry Bonds’ bitch all at once, you got in a fight with a fan and a grounds crew worker, and, my personal favorite, you offered up this gem of a quote, right before you know what happened in mid-October, 2004, “They're a walking disaster. They act like they're tough, how they care so much about winning, but it's all a front. They're just a bunch of characters." Thanks Sheff, enjoy splitting time with Melky in the playoffs.

We've Moved!

2006-10-02T20:47:00.000-05:00

Because of bandwidth issues, you can now find Richie K. right here. Look for much more constant snarky posting from me, and editorials from Brandon now that we have that problem solved.

-Brendan

This Week's Worst: Coaches to Reach the Big One

2006-10-02T20:42:00.000-05:00

Because we're just mean SOB's (I am, anyway), I decided that what with baseball's playoffs staring us in the face it would be a good idea to take a look at the worst coaches/managers to ever reach the championship in sports history. Yes, I am aware that reaching a championship game/series is a great accomplishment, but hey, sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle for a few weeks and then regress back to mediocrity, or worse. I'm sure Cubs fans will agree, if Dusty Baker (#5) can make the World Series, well hey, there's hope out there for all the Jim Tracy's of the world.
Without further ado, here it is:

10. Mike Hargrove. Let's take a look: Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome, Roberto Alomar, Omar Vizquel, Richie Sexson, Matt Williams, Brian Giles, Bartolo Colon, Sandy Alomar, and David Justice. ALL ON ONE FREAKING TEAM! Now granted not all these guys had hit their peaks yet, but come on, this was an uber-stacked squad that won 86 games in a weak AL Central in 1997, then made a run, then lost to the Mercenary Marlins. And then there was the 1995 loss to the Braves who went a combined 2-8 in all World Series games after that. And his record with the M's? Well let's just say The Human Rain Delay hasn't exactly been The Reignman in Safeco. (Yes! Worked a Shawn Kemp reference in!)

9. Raymond Berry. Bill Belichick, he ain't. The only other Pats coach to lead them to the Super Bowl, Berry (a helluva tight end in his day) is the quintessential lightning in a bottle guy. Unfortunately for him, Steve Grogan, Tony Eason, et al, Richard Dent, The Fridge, and the rest of the Shufflers don't like lightning. In fact, William Perry probably has tried to eat it at some point.

8. Brian Billick. This "Quarterback Guru" was hired to instill life in a comatose Ravens offense. What's happened since? Well, his defense carried Trent "I'm a backup behind Alex Smith now" Dilfer to a championship. Marvin Lewis, his stellar defensive coordinator is now a top head coach in Cincinnati, and while the team looks good this year, the offense is lead by veteran pickup Steve McNair, not his project, Kyle Boller who's screwed Paris Hilton almost as much as he has Ravens fans. Before the season, despite the city's first championship since the '83 O's, fans were calling for his smirky head.

7. Bob Brenly. This guy may be the quintessential, "Hey look at this, I have the 2 best players in the game right now on my side, this is easy!" manager. So good he was fired not long after winning a championship for a guy who turned out to be a criminal, then eventually replaced him with the guy who'd been fired for Hargrove. Game set match Bobbo.

6. Barry Switzer, Cowboys version. Shall we run the play once? Sure! Didin't work? How 'bout twice! He owes Neil O'Donnell a Christmas card for eternity. Of course, he was great at OU, if you like your national champions packing heat...

5. Dusty Baker. He owes it all to BALCO, baby! For further reference on his qualifications as a manager, see: http://firedustybaker.com/. That is all.

4. Mike Milbury. Hey, as a GM, he suddenly looks like a genius in the post-Let's give DiPietro a 15 year deal, why not? But as a coach, well, let's just say I don't think the people of Long Island and Boston are too sad to see him in their rear view mirrors on the bench. In case you were wondering, the answer is, he took the 89-90 Bruins to the finals where they recieved a 4-1 smackdown by the Gretzky-less Oilers.

3. Paul Hewitt. Who you ask? The guy who got Luke Schenscher (sp?) to the finals before obliteration by UCONN in 2004. Yeah, thought you might've forgotten that final. Since, he's a whopping 31-29, 8-20 in the ACC. He makes the list over Mike Davis, who got a bum rap. Seriously.

2. Jim Harrick. I mean, I got a good job and all, but how good would my GPA have been if I had taken Fundamentals of Basketball 101 with his son? Like how many licks it takes to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop, the word will never know. This cheat was basically the anti-Wooden at UCLA, but he did win it all once, so hey, he makes the list. In the meantime, I think I read he's in like Fort Wayne coaching in the D-League, and the O'Bannon brothers went on to stellar NBA careers.

And now...#1...
1. Bill Callahan. I just have no idea how this happened, I really don't. I mean, I don't even have anything to say. Historians will one day look at the annals of the Super Bowl, and go "Who the hell was this guy?" They will also look at the history of Nebraska coaches and say the same thing. He only got the job because Frank Solich was roofied up, anyway.
There you have it, kids.
Brendan

2006-10-02T20:41:00.000-05:00

This ain’t your grandfather’s National Football League anymore. Hell, it's not even your dad's. And I blame it all on Paul Tagliabue, flags and domes.
The past few years I’ve seen referees digging around their pants more than a Wall Street broker leaving a Chinatown massage parlor. Take some recent Sunday and Monday night games for a prime example. Madden, Michaels, Kornheiser, Theissman and Tirico heaped more praise on the safeties in these games than any other position, and rightfully so. Sean Taylor, Troy Polamalu, Donovin Darius and Roy Williams are premiere talents at their positions. Each one drew at least one personal foul in their respected games, and for what? Taylor hit a receiver too hard. Darius led with his head. And not even Joe Theissman, who you may recall suffered a broken freaking leg in the middle of a game at the hands of one of the great NFL assassins of all-time, agreed with the calls. “Let the players play,” he said, in some form or another, as they all did. And yet each and every quarterback and wide receiver looks to the refs with those puppy-dog eyes when they get hit too hard, or too near the sidelines or too close to their endorsement-money faces … It is getting to be too damned much.
Now I understand that there is the possibility for serious injury on that field. I understand that the quarterback is vulnerable on most plays. But isn’t that why they wear the equipment? Isn’t that why helmets aren’t made of leather anymore? And isn’t that why God invented a soccer ball?
I find it offensive to the sanctity of the game that quarterbacks – who knowingly leave their pocket of protection – get to slide on their butts to avoid contact. How many flags get thrown when the right guard and the nose tackle butt heads? Their helmets are scarred and discolored after the game to the point that they look like pre-schoolers scribbled on them. But if that same nose tackle breaks through the line and puts the top of his head into that 6’5”, 260 lb., Nike-sponsored quarterback’s? 15 yards and a fine from the league office. I almost vomited when I heard a personal foul get called on someone for "extending their arms" at the quarterback. Those are the type of calls that make my penis get soft.
Call me crazy, but I think the XFL and Arena Football had/have a lot more going for them than we gave it credit for. Fair catches? If you want to “fair catch” a ball, do it in the outfield on a softball field, ladies. You want a “fair” chance to catch a ball on the gridiron? Punt returners used to be the craziest sons of bitches on the team, and special teams players used to be human bullets flying downfield. They weren't as good as the stars of the offense and defense, but they earned their respect by taking the hits the fast receivers and stud linebackers didn't want to deal with. Now? A failed college quarterback who relied too much on the option is back there, and he daintily waves his arm above his head to alert the guys who carry Ray Lewis' gym bag that he's not going to try and advance this ball ...
Have we forgotten the history of this game? The greats that used to roam that proverbial frozen tundra? Almost every compilation of NFL defensive talent – whether it’s by the NFL office itself or Sports Illustrated or some 35-year old living in his mother’s basement wearing a throwback jersey – includes players that would get flagged and fined in today’s game. You disagree? Ronnie Lott led with his head more than Jenna Jameson. Deacon Jones’ personal head-slap – the signature move of a Hall of Fame player – is now a personal foul. Dick Butkus did everything in his power to make sure a quarterback didn’t play all four quarters. Ditto for Lawrence Taylor. You think Joe Greene got his “Mean” nickname for letting a QB slide in front of him? Night Train Lane? And it’s a two-way street. I’m sure Johnny Unitas throws up in his grave when he sees how pampered his position has become. And now these guys are breaking all his records? If Sammy Baugh and Otto Graham weren’t hit by a forearm in the nose every time they got tackled, the record books would be much different. Those are tough quarterbacks, those are the men that revolutionized the position … And for what? So J.P. Losman can scramble a few yards and awkwardly slide without getting his head taken off? When Trent Green got smashed a few weeks ago, I was the only one in the bar who stood up and cheered. Some men actually groaned and shouted for flags and fines immediately. For what? A football player making a football play? Jesus Christ people, for an extra $24 a month you can watch all the Premier League you want! Buy a sixer of Stella Artois and get the hell off that barstool.
And what about domes? Fran Tarkenton played in Minnesota – outside – for most of his 18-year career. Put that guy on some turf and Mike Vick would simply be “the black Tark” with less of an arm. I’m not a Green Bay Packers fan, or a Chicago Bears fan, but they’ve earned my respect more than their purple-clad opponents. And now they’re putting teams inside if the stadium was too hot! Arizona and their Pink Taco Stadium is as air-conditioned as can be; don’t want Matt Leinart breaking a sweat out there …
Maybe I’m a little too old-school, but I want my hits hard and high, I want my quarterbacks fighting for that extra yard and I want my toes to be freezing off when I’m sitting there waiting for it all to happen.
- Brandon

2006-10-02T20:40:00.000-05:00

While Terrell Owens’ press-conference was going on, ESPN didn’t have the network capabilities to televise all the other TO related ones going on – well actually they did, but you can’t pull “Cheap Seats,” “ESPN Classics: 2004 WNBA Finals Game 4” and a repeat of the “World Series of Poker” with no notice.

Lucky for you, we here at Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom have gotten a hold of the majority of the transcripts:

Drew Rosenhaus (Owens’ agent) – “No comment.”

Bill Parcells (Owens’ coach) – “Terry Glenn is fine, don’t worry. Terry has impressed me all season long with his play and lack of suicide attempts, and Terry is going to be fine this week for the game with Tennessee.”

Michael Irvin (Owens’ boyfriend) – “TO is the greatest receiver in the game, bar none. Look at my suit. Isn’t it horrible? Well it’s not as horrible as the world would be without Terrell Owens, that’s for damn sure. You talking to the ‘Playmaker.’ I talk to TO all the time, and he has not once mentioned suicide to me. I mean, yeah, when I was making fun of how many Super Bowl rings I had compared to him, and how I went to ‘da U’ and he didn’t and how people in Dallas still wish I was on the team, he wasn’t happy, but he was not suicidal. Oh, and vote for Emmit on ABC’s ‘Dancing with the Stars!”

Kim Etheredge (Owens’ publicist) – “I need a new job.”

Steve Mariucci (Owens’ former coach with the 49ers) – “Thank you God for answering my prayers.”

Jeff Garcia (Owens’ former quarterback with the 49ers) – “Who’s gay now? Overdosing on supplements? Did you get them from the Queer Eye Guys, TO? I did see Greg Anderson around your locker a bit in San Fran ... I gave him my number but he never called me. I always assumed he just had a thing for dark meat, but ... Wait, what am I saying?"

Andy Reid (Owens’ former coach with the Eagles) – “Thank you God for answering my prayers.”

Donovan McNabb (Owens’ former quarterback with the Eagles) – “I told him to keep my name out his mouth. I didn’t tell him to put a bunch of sleeping pills in it, though.”

Every Eagles/Giants/Redskins/49ers fan in the country – “What do you mean ‘attempted?’ He didn’t die? Son of a –”

Fantasy football owners (of T.O.) - "Wait, he's playing Sunday, right? Right? Can the Dallas police leak that? Plaxico's got a bye! Dammit!"

2006-10-02T20:35:00.000-05:00

I’m getting all negative on you, I know, but with the latest batch of playoffs coming in a week, full of memorable moments and legend-making performances, it seems like a good time to rain on the parade of that stuff once again, and point out some more mistakes, gaffes, and crap that’s happened on the biggest stages in sports. Here, today, I present for your enjoyment the Rich Kotite approved Top 10 Worst Major Games of my lifetime. These are not all blowouts mind you, a couple were moderately close, a couple didn’t live up to hype, but most are routs. They were all for one reason or another so boring as to cause me to almost want to change the channel. Enjoy.

10. 2004 ALCS Game 7. Very memorable and pleasurable for us Sox fans, but let’s be honest here. After the marathon games 4 and 5, the Schilling bloody sock game 6 that also featured A-Rod’s slap and riot police circling around Yankee Stadium (we were at that game), this game was a total letdown. It was a beatdown and a coronation yes, but a great game, no. It was over by the 3rd inning. If I wasn’t a Sox fan, I’ll admit I’d have turned it off --- I remember Brandon wasn’t paying attention after the 6th. So much hype, so little competition involved. Red Sox 10, Yankees 3.

9. Super Bowl XXXVII. When a game was so bad it’s memorable for a guy hustling to force a fumble on a showboating defender, well, it couldn’t have been very good. That, and Michael Jackson’s halftime performance where he froze for what seemed like 10 minutes. Just more pain for Buffalo fans in this one and the beginning of the Cowboys dynasty. Cowboys 52, Bills 17.

8. 2002 NCAA basketball final. I have never seen an uglier major college basketball game than this “defensive battle” between the Terps and Hoosiers. The field goal percentages in this game were a whopping 43.8% for Maryland vs. 34.5% for Indiana. No player recorded more than Juan Dixon’s 18 points. Indiana had 25 points in the first half. This game was just close enough to force you to keep watching, but ugly enough to make you cringe. Maryland 64, Indiana 52.

7. Super Bowl XX. Notice a trend beginning? The last 22 years have featured some heinous Super Bowls. Luckily I was two for this Super Bowl, so I don’t have much (read: any) recollection of it. I do watch those ESPN/NFL Films half hour recaps a lot though, and I know any time you pull your starter in a championship game, that’s not good. One of the ugliest ugly late 1980s early 1990s Super Bowls where the NFC had such a huge edge over the AFC. I also like making gratuitous Fridge Perry references, if you haven’t noticed already. Bears 46, Pats 10. How the pats even got 10 on the Monsters of the Midway I’m unsure.

6. Super Bowl XXXV. The modern version of Super Bowl XX, where a dominant D completely obliterated the other team’s offense. I’ve never seen a more frightened QB than Kerry Collins. If only the Ravens had a QB other than Trent Dilfer behind center, this could have easily been the worst Super Bowl ever. Alas, it’s only second. The highlight was seeing the Walt Disney commercial the next day, featuring none other than Dilfer, as Super Bowl MVP Ray Lewis wasn’t featured for…legal transgressions. Ravens 34, Giants 7.

5. 1991 Stanley Cup Game 6. Pittsburgh 8, Minnesota 0. Clinching game of a world championship and you lose by 8 goals? How is that possible? Did the team all get the flu the night before? I mean they did win two games after all. There are blowouts between two teams of a different class, but this one goes in the “Didn’t Bother to Show Up” genre. As mentioned, Penguins 8, North Stars 0.

4. 1985 World Series Game 7. Cards fans love to blame ump Don Denkinger and his infamous bad call at first in Game 6, but they seem to have collective amnesia on Bret Saberhagen and the Royals’ dominance in game 7. Another one you can chalk up in the “Didn’t Bother to Show Up” genre. Losing 11-0 in the World Series is pretty much the equivalent of losing 8-0 in the Stanley Cup. This game also represents the Royals last playoff game, strangely enough, or not so much. Royals 11, Cardinals 0.

3. 2002 Rose Bowl. I may be being harsher on this game than it deserves, but honestly, Nebraska had no business in that game whatsoever. No one was beating the U that year, but certainly given its Fiesta Bowl dominance the Joey Harrington led Oregon Ducks could have put up a better fight than the Huskers did. This game was over early, filled with controversy, began Eric Crouch’s fall from grace, and left a bad taste in America’s mouth. Miami 37, Nebraska 14.

2. 2005 Orange Bowl. Just like had occurred a mere three years before, a Big XII team snuck in the back door to reach the BCS championship game only to get pounded while another comparable team was shut out and then beat its bowl opponent. In this case the router was USC, the routee was Oklahoma, and the team on the outside was Auburn. What puts this game over the ’02 Rose Bowl is the final score. This one was so bad I actually did change the channel. I never do that, but here, I made an exception. OU really hasn’t been the same since. USC 55, Oklahoma 19.

1. Super Bowl XXIV. I was five for this game and a huge Elway fan. Well, I’ll put it to you this way, I remember being on my bed bawling as my parents consoled me around halftime. It was that bad. It took me maybe five years to get over it and respect the 49ers. I still cringe when I see these NFL films “highlights.” This was the biggest rout on the biggest stage in sports. It more than deserves the title of Worst Major Game of My Lifetime. And, come on, you knew it HAD to be a Super Bowl. 49ers 55, Broncos 10. Congratulations George Seifert, you made a five-year-old cry, you big meanie.

-Brendan

There is no such thing as the "Madden Curse!"

2006-09-28T22:39:00.000-05:00

John Madden never did anything to you.

Actually, I take that back. He’s done a lot.

He’s provided you with entertaining, insightful commentary his entire career, coaching tid-bits the likes of which no other announcer is capable of giving and introducing you to the Turducken. And yet you have the balls to accuse this man of a curse?

Let me, loyal reader; enlighten you to the REAL curse: The EA Sports Curse.

The Madden franchise is without a doubt the flagship of EA’s fleet, but that isn’t to say he’s the only regatta sailing the seas.

It is true, Shaun Alexander has a broken bone in his foot, a year after Donovan McNabb suffered a sports hernia, a serious groan injury and a TO, which happened a year after Ray Lewis’ worst season as a professional, which happened a year after Mike Vick went down in the pre-season with a broken fibula, which happened a year after Marshall Faulk’s entire career went down the crapper, which happened a year after Daunte Culpepper was actually benched mid-season for his poor play, which happened a year after Eddie George went from Pro Bowler to cripple which happened a year after Barry Sanders up and retired after being named cover-boy. But you can’t blame John Madden!

Take a look at some of EA’s other sports titles:

Fight Night, their boxing series, has single-handedly ended the title runs of Roy Jones Jr. (2 losses in his cover year, 2 the previous decade), Bernard Hopkins – who actually regained his title in a rematch just weeks after the newest game came out, with Arturo Gatti on the cover, who naturally lost his first title defense after the game was released with his handsome grill on the cover.

EA’s hockey game has actually taken a life. NHL 2004 featured up-and-comer Dany Heatley, who, weeks after the game’s release, was involved in fatal car accident that took the life of his friend and teammate Dan Snyder.

NASCAR 2006 featured Jeff Gordon, the only year he failed to finish in the top 10 in his career. It has put seven champions on the cover – none of whom were able to win the year they were on the cover. (This year’s cover boy, Elliott Sadler, failed to make the “Chase for the Cup.”)

Chris Weinke and Joey Harrington are just a few of the studs who have graced the cover of EA’s college football offering: NCAA Football. Back when I had Sega Genesis, my favorite player in the game – and college football – was Tommie Frazier of Nebraska. Was it really blood clots that kept him from the NFL, or the cover of the 1997 version of the game? Oh, and Ricky Williams also had his mug on the cover … But you can’t blame the EA curse for everything.

But what can you blame the curse on?

Can you blame Brazil choking in the World Cup this year on Ronaldhino’s cover appearance on EA’s FIFA World Cup 2006?

What about the Steelers abysmal start? Surely it has nothing to do with Bill Cowher jawing it up on EA’s Head Coach release … right?

Say what you want about Sports Illustrated. Take Warrick Dunn’s word and never do Cat Fancy. But the one thing an athlete would be smart enough to avoid? An EA Sports video game cover …

Welcome !

2006-09-28T19:02:00.000-05:00

Congratulations on finding the most dynamic, mind-blowing site in the history of the Internet; Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom!

We look forward to bringing to you our own perspective on a bevy of sports-related topics -- ranging from the most sensational hair-styles in the NFL to the delicate intricacies of a fantasy draft to the greatest names in the history of NBA centers (yes, that is a shout out to Reuben Boumtje-Boumtje).

We're two dudes who just graduated college who think we know our stuff. Brendan qualified for Stump the Schwab, they just never put him on, the bastards! Brandon served in every position of our school newspaper. Now, he's in Baltimore as a "freelancer" and Brendan work in finance in New York City, meaning his annual salary falls somewhere between Bryant McKinnie and Fred Smoot's one game paycheck, and he never got to bang a stripper on beautiful Lake Minnetoka (or any girl on any Lake ... or bed ... or floor ... or car back-seat ...)
The goal of this blog is at least a few posts a week -- a few by Brendan, a few by Brandon. Brandon will probably be funnier and more profane, but hey whatever. Our goal is to get linked to Deadspin, then we know it's all been worth it.

So look forward to the coming days, months weeks and years here at RKBYM, as they're sure to impress even the most un-Kotite of you.

- Brandon and Brendan