This ain’t your grandfather’s National Football League anymore. Hell, it's not even your dad's. And I blame it all on Paul Tagliabue, flags and domes.
The past few years I’ve seen referees digging around their pants more than a Wall Street broker leaving a Chinatown massage parlor. Take some recent Sunday and Monday night games for a prime example. Madden, Michaels, Kornheiser, Theissman and Tirico heaped more praise on the safeties in these games than any other position, and rightfully so. Sean Taylor, Troy Polamalu, Donovin Darius and Roy Williams are premiere talents at their positions. Each one drew at least one personal foul in their respected games, and for what? Taylor hit a receiver too hard. Darius led with his head. And not even Joe Theissman, who you may recall suffered a broken freaking leg in the middle of a game at the hands of one of the great NFL assassins of all-time, agreed with the calls. “Let the players play,” he said, in some form or another, as they all did. And yet each and every quarterback and wide receiver looks to the refs with those puppy-dog eyes when they get hit too hard, or too near the sidelines or too close to their endorsement-money faces … It is getting to be too damned much.
Now I understand that there is the possibility for serious injury on that field. I understand that the quarterback is vulnerable on most plays. But isn’t that why they wear the equipment? Isn’t that why helmets aren’t made of leather anymore? And isn’t that why God invented a soccer ball?
I find it offensive to the sanctity of the game that quarterbacks – who knowingly leave their pocket of protection – get to slide on their butts to avoid contact. How many flags get thrown when the right guard and the nose tackle butt heads? Their helmets are scarred and discolored after the game to the point that they look like pre-schoolers scribbled on them. But if that same nose tackle breaks through the line and puts the top of his head into that 6’5”, 260 lb., Nike-sponsored quarterback’s? 15 yards and a fine from the league office. I almost vomited when I heard a personal foul get called on someone for "extending their arms" at the quarterback. Those are the type of calls that make my penis get soft.
Call me crazy, but I think the XFL and Arena Football had/have a lot more going for them than we gave it credit for. Fair catches? If you want to “fair catch” a ball, do it in the outfield on a softball field, ladies. You want a “fair” chance to catch a ball on the gridiron? Punt returners used to be the craziest sons of bitches on the team, and special teams players used to be human bullets flying downfield. They weren't as good as the stars of the offense and defense, but they earned their respect by taking the hits the fast receivers and stud linebackers didn't want to deal with. Now? A failed college quarterback who relied too much on the option is back there, and he daintily waves his arm above his head to alert the guys who carry Ray Lewis' gym bag that he's not going to try and advance this ball ...
Have we forgotten the history of this game? The greats that used to roam that proverbial frozen tundra? Almost every compilation of NFL defensive talent – whether it’s by the NFL office itself or Sports Illustrated or some 35-year old living in his mother’s basement wearing a throwback jersey – includes players that would get flagged and fined in today’s game. You disagree? Ronnie Lott led with his head more than Jenna Jameson. Deacon Jones’ personal head-slap – the signature move of a Hall of Fame player – is now a personal foul. Dick Butkus did everything in his power to make sure a quarterback didn’t play all four quarters. Ditto for Lawrence Taylor. You think Joe Greene got his “Mean” nickname for letting a QB slide in front of him? Night Train Lane? And it’s a two-way street. I’m sure Johnny Unitas throws up in his grave when he sees how pampered his position has become. And now these guys are breaking all his records? If Sammy Baugh and Otto Graham weren’t hit by a forearm in the nose every time they got tackled, the record books would be much different. Those are tough quarterbacks, those are the men that revolutionized the position … And for what? So J.P. Losman can scramble a few yards and awkwardly slide without getting his head taken off? When Trent Green got smashed a few weeks ago, I was the only one in the bar who stood up and cheered. Some men actually groaned and shouted for flags and fines immediately. For what? A football player making a football play? Jesus Christ people, for an extra $24 a month you can watch all the Premier League you want! Buy a sixer of Stella Artois and get the hell off that barstool.
And what about domes? Fran Tarkenton played in Minnesota – outside – for most of his 18-year career. Put that guy on some turf and Mike Vick would simply be “the black Tark” with less of an arm. I’m not a Green Bay Packers fan, or a Chicago Bears fan, but they’ve earned my respect more than their purple-clad opponents. And now they’re putting teams inside if the stadium was too hot! Arizona and their Pink Taco Stadium is as air-conditioned as can be; don’t want Matt Leinart breaking a sweat out there …
Maybe I’m a little too old-school, but I want my hits hard and high, I want my quarterbacks fighting for that extra yard and I want my toes to be freezing off when I’m sitting there waiting for it all to happen.
- Brandon
Monday, October 02, 2006
While Terrell Owens’ press-conference was going on, ESPN didn’t have the network capabilities to televise all the other TO related ones going on – well actually they did, but you can’t pull “Cheap Seats,” “ESPN Classics: 2004 WNBA Finals Game 4” and a repeat of the “World Series of Poker” with no notice.
Lucky for you, we here at Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom have gotten a hold of the majority of the transcripts:
Drew Rosenhaus (Owens’ agent) – “No comment.”
Bill Parcells (Owens’ coach) – “Terry Glenn is fine, don’t worry. Terry has impressed me all season long with his play and lack of suicide attempts, and Terry is going to be fine this week for the game with Tennessee.”
Michael Irvin (Owens’ boyfriend) – “TO is the greatest receiver in the game, bar none. Look at my suit. Isn’t it horrible? Well it’s not as horrible as the world would be without Terrell Owens, that’s for damn sure. You talking to the ‘Playmaker.’ I talk to TO all the time, and he has not once mentioned suicide to me. I mean, yeah, when I was making fun of how many Super Bowl rings I had compared to him, and how I went to ‘da U’ and he didn’t and how people in Dallas still wish I was on the team, he wasn’t happy, but he was not suicidal. Oh, and vote for Emmit on ABC’s ‘Dancing with the Stars!”
Kim Etheredge (Owens’ publicist) – “I need a new job.”
Steve Mariucci (Owens’ former coach with the 49ers) – “Thank you God for answering my prayers.”
Jeff Garcia (Owens’ former quarterback with the 49ers) – “Who’s gay now? Overdosing on supplements? Did you get them from the Queer Eye Guys, TO? I did see Greg Anderson around your locker a bit in San Fran ... I gave him my number but he never called me. I always assumed he just had a thing for dark meat, but ... Wait, what am I saying?"
Andy Reid (Owens’ former coach with the Eagles) – “Thank you God for answering my prayers.”
Donovan McNabb (Owens’ former quarterback with the Eagles) – “I told him to keep my name out his mouth. I didn’t tell him to put a bunch of sleeping pills in it, though.”
Every Eagles/Giants/Redskins/49ers fan in the country – “What do you mean ‘attempted?’ He didn’t die? Son of a –”
Fantasy football owners (of T.O.) - "Wait, he's playing Sunday, right? Right? Can the Dallas police leak that? Plaxico's got a bye! Dammit!"
Lucky for you, we here at Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom have gotten a hold of the majority of the transcripts:
Drew Rosenhaus (Owens’ agent) – “No comment.”
Bill Parcells (Owens’ coach) – “Terry Glenn is fine, don’t worry. Terry has impressed me all season long with his play and lack of suicide attempts, and Terry is going to be fine this week for the game with Tennessee.”
Michael Irvin (Owens’ boyfriend) – “TO is the greatest receiver in the game, bar none. Look at my suit. Isn’t it horrible? Well it’s not as horrible as the world would be without Terrell Owens, that’s for damn sure. You talking to the ‘Playmaker.’ I talk to TO all the time, and he has not once mentioned suicide to me. I mean, yeah, when I was making fun of how many Super Bowl rings I had compared to him, and how I went to ‘da U’ and he didn’t and how people in Dallas still wish I was on the team, he wasn’t happy, but he was not suicidal. Oh, and vote for Emmit on ABC’s ‘Dancing with the Stars!”
Kim Etheredge (Owens’ publicist) – “I need a new job.”
Steve Mariucci (Owens’ former coach with the 49ers) – “Thank you God for answering my prayers.”
Jeff Garcia (Owens’ former quarterback with the 49ers) – “Who’s gay now? Overdosing on supplements? Did you get them from the Queer Eye Guys, TO? I did see Greg Anderson around your locker a bit in San Fran ... I gave him my number but he never called me. I always assumed he just had a thing for dark meat, but ... Wait, what am I saying?"
Andy Reid (Owens’ former coach with the Eagles) – “Thank you God for answering my prayers.”
Donovan McNabb (Owens’ former quarterback with the Eagles) – “I told him to keep my name out his mouth. I didn’t tell him to put a bunch of sleeping pills in it, though.”
Every Eagles/Giants/Redskins/49ers fan in the country – “What do you mean ‘attempted?’ He didn’t die? Son of a –”
Fantasy football owners (of T.O.) - "Wait, he's playing Sunday, right? Right? Can the Dallas police leak that? Plaxico's got a bye! Dammit!"
I’m getting all negative on you, I know, but with the latest batch of playoffs coming in a week, full of memorable moments and legend-making performances, it seems like a good time to rain on the parade of that stuff once again, and point out some more mistakes, gaffes, and crap that’s happened on the biggest stages in sports. Here, today, I present for your enjoyment the Rich Kotite approved Top 10 Worst Major Games of my lifetime. These are not all blowouts mind you, a couple were moderately close, a couple didn’t live up to hype, but most are routs. They were all for one reason or another so boring as to cause me to almost want to change the channel. Enjoy.
10. 2004 ALCS Game 7. Very memorable and pleasurable for us Sox fans, but let’s be honest here. After the marathon games 4 and 5, the Schilling bloody sock game 6 that also featured A-Rod’s slap and riot police circling around Yankee Stadium (we were at that game), this game was a total letdown. It was a beatdown and a coronation yes, but a great game, no. It was over by the 3rd inning. If I wasn’t a Sox fan, I’ll admit I’d have turned it off --- I remember Brandon wasn’t paying attention after the 6th. So much hype, so little competition involved. Red Sox 10, Yankees 3.
9. Super Bowl XXXVII. When a game was so bad it’s memorable for a guy hustling to force a fumble on a showboating defender, well, it couldn’t have been very good. That, and Michael Jackson’s halftime performance where he froze for what seemed like 10 minutes. Just more pain for Buffalo fans in this one and the beginning of the Cowboys dynasty. Cowboys 52, Bills 17.
8. 2002 NCAA basketball final. I have never seen an uglier major college basketball game than this “defensive battle” between the Terps and Hoosiers. The field goal percentages in this game were a whopping 43.8% for Maryland vs. 34.5% for Indiana. No player recorded more than Juan Dixon’s 18 points. Indiana had 25 points in the first half. This game was just close enough to force you to keep watching, but ugly enough to make you cringe. Maryland 64, Indiana 52.
7. Super Bowl XX. Notice a trend beginning? The last 22 years have featured some heinous Super Bowls. Luckily I was two for this Super Bowl, so I don’t have much (read: any) recollection of it. I do watch those ESPN/NFL Films half hour recaps a lot though, and I know any time you pull your starter in a championship game, that’s not good. One of the ugliest ugly late 1980s early 1990s Super Bowls where the NFC had such a huge edge over the AFC. I also like making gratuitous Fridge Perry references, if you haven’t noticed already. Bears 46, Pats 10. How the pats even got 10 on the Monsters of the Midway I’m unsure.
6. Super Bowl XXXV. The modern version of Super Bowl XX, where a dominant D completely obliterated the other team’s offense. I’ve never seen a more frightened QB than Kerry Collins. If only the Ravens had a QB other than Trent Dilfer behind center, this could have easily been the worst Super Bowl ever. Alas, it’s only second. The highlight was seeing the Walt Disney commercial the next day, featuring none other than Dilfer, as Super Bowl MVP Ray Lewis wasn’t featured for…legal transgressions. Ravens 34, Giants 7.
5. 1991 Stanley Cup Game 6. Pittsburgh 8, Minnesota 0. Clinching game of a world championship and you lose by 8 goals? How is that possible? Did the team all get the flu the night before? I mean they did win two games after all. There are blowouts between two teams of a different class, but this one goes in the “Didn’t Bother to Show Up” genre. As mentioned, Penguins 8, North Stars 0.
4. 1985 World Series Game 7. Cards fans love to blame ump Don Denkinger and his infamous bad call at first in Game 6, but they seem to have collective amnesia on Bret Saberhagen and the Royals’ dominance in game 7. Another one you can chalk up in the “Didn’t Bother to Show Up” genre. Losing 11-0 in the World Series is pretty much the equivalent of losing 8-0 in the Stanley Cup. This game also represents the Royals last playoff game, strangely enough, or not so much. Royals 11, Cardinals 0.
3. 2002 Rose Bowl. I may be being harsher on this game than it deserves, but honestly, Nebraska had no business in that game whatsoever. No one was beating the U that year, but certainly given its Fiesta Bowl dominance the Joey Harrington led Oregon Ducks could have put up a better fight than the Huskers did. This game was over early, filled with controversy, began Eric Crouch’s fall from grace, and left a bad taste in America’s mouth. Miami 37, Nebraska 14.
2. 2005 Orange Bowl. Just like had occurred a mere three years before, a Big XII team snuck in the back door to reach the BCS championship game only to get pounded while another comparable team was shut out and then beat its bowl opponent. In this case the router was USC, the routee was Oklahoma, and the team on the outside was Auburn. What puts this game over the ’02 Rose Bowl is the final score. This one was so bad I actually did change the channel. I never do that, but here, I made an exception. OU really hasn’t been the same since. USC 55, Oklahoma 19.
1. Super Bowl XXIV. I was five for this game and a huge Elway fan. Well, I’ll put it to you this way, I remember being on my bed bawling as my parents consoled me around halftime. It was that bad. It took me maybe five years to get over it and respect the 49ers. I still cringe when I see these NFL films “highlights.” This was the biggest rout on the biggest stage in sports. It more than deserves the title of Worst Major Game of My Lifetime. And, come on, you knew it HAD to be a Super Bowl. 49ers 55, Broncos 10. Congratulations George Seifert, you made a five-year-old cry, you big meanie.
-Brendan
10. 2004 ALCS Game 7. Very memorable and pleasurable for us Sox fans, but let’s be honest here. After the marathon games 4 and 5, the Schilling bloody sock game 6 that also featured A-Rod’s slap and riot police circling around Yankee Stadium (we were at that game), this game was a total letdown. It was a beatdown and a coronation yes, but a great game, no. It was over by the 3rd inning. If I wasn’t a Sox fan, I’ll admit I’d have turned it off --- I remember Brandon wasn’t paying attention after the 6th. So much hype, so little competition involved. Red Sox 10, Yankees 3.
9. Super Bowl XXXVII. When a game was so bad it’s memorable for a guy hustling to force a fumble on a showboating defender, well, it couldn’t have been very good. That, and Michael Jackson’s halftime performance where he froze for what seemed like 10 minutes. Just more pain for Buffalo fans in this one and the beginning of the Cowboys dynasty. Cowboys 52, Bills 17.
8. 2002 NCAA basketball final. I have never seen an uglier major college basketball game than this “defensive battle” between the Terps and Hoosiers. The field goal percentages in this game were a whopping 43.8% for Maryland vs. 34.5% for Indiana. No player recorded more than Juan Dixon’s 18 points. Indiana had 25 points in the first half. This game was just close enough to force you to keep watching, but ugly enough to make you cringe. Maryland 64, Indiana 52.
7. Super Bowl XX. Notice a trend beginning? The last 22 years have featured some heinous Super Bowls. Luckily I was two for this Super Bowl, so I don’t have much (read: any) recollection of it. I do watch those ESPN/NFL Films half hour recaps a lot though, and I know any time you pull your starter in a championship game, that’s not good. One of the ugliest ugly late 1980s early 1990s Super Bowls where the NFC had such a huge edge over the AFC. I also like making gratuitous Fridge Perry references, if you haven’t noticed already. Bears 46, Pats 10. How the pats even got 10 on the Monsters of the Midway I’m unsure.
6. Super Bowl XXXV. The modern version of Super Bowl XX, where a dominant D completely obliterated the other team’s offense. I’ve never seen a more frightened QB than Kerry Collins. If only the Ravens had a QB other than Trent Dilfer behind center, this could have easily been the worst Super Bowl ever. Alas, it’s only second. The highlight was seeing the Walt Disney commercial the next day, featuring none other than Dilfer, as Super Bowl MVP Ray Lewis wasn’t featured for…legal transgressions. Ravens 34, Giants 7.
5. 1991 Stanley Cup Game 6. Pittsburgh 8, Minnesota 0. Clinching game of a world championship and you lose by 8 goals? How is that possible? Did the team all get the flu the night before? I mean they did win two games after all. There are blowouts between two teams of a different class, but this one goes in the “Didn’t Bother to Show Up” genre. As mentioned, Penguins 8, North Stars 0.
4. 1985 World Series Game 7. Cards fans love to blame ump Don Denkinger and his infamous bad call at first in Game 6, but they seem to have collective amnesia on Bret Saberhagen and the Royals’ dominance in game 7. Another one you can chalk up in the “Didn’t Bother to Show Up” genre. Losing 11-0 in the World Series is pretty much the equivalent of losing 8-0 in the Stanley Cup. This game also represents the Royals last playoff game, strangely enough, or not so much. Royals 11, Cardinals 0.
3. 2002 Rose Bowl. I may be being harsher on this game than it deserves, but honestly, Nebraska had no business in that game whatsoever. No one was beating the U that year, but certainly given its Fiesta Bowl dominance the Joey Harrington led Oregon Ducks could have put up a better fight than the Huskers did. This game was over early, filled with controversy, began Eric Crouch’s fall from grace, and left a bad taste in America’s mouth. Miami 37, Nebraska 14.
2. 2005 Orange Bowl. Just like had occurred a mere three years before, a Big XII team snuck in the back door to reach the BCS championship game only to get pounded while another comparable team was shut out and then beat its bowl opponent. In this case the router was USC, the routee was Oklahoma, and the team on the outside was Auburn. What puts this game over the ’02 Rose Bowl is the final score. This one was so bad I actually did change the channel. I never do that, but here, I made an exception. OU really hasn’t been the same since. USC 55, Oklahoma 19.
1. Super Bowl XXIV. I was five for this game and a huge Elway fan. Well, I’ll put it to you this way, I remember being on my bed bawling as my parents consoled me around halftime. It was that bad. It took me maybe five years to get over it and respect the 49ers. I still cringe when I see these NFL films “highlights.” This was the biggest rout on the biggest stage in sports. It more than deserves the title of Worst Major Game of My Lifetime. And, come on, you knew it HAD to be a Super Bowl. 49ers 55, Broncos 10. Congratulations George Seifert, you made a five-year-old cry, you big meanie.
-Brendan
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