Yankees Likability: From Scrubs to Sheff

Brandon didn't want me to post this, calling it too Simmons-esque, but hey, whatever, I'm in a pissy mood here at work and I walked by Derek Lowe today in lower Manhattan. So, whatever.

(PS if it was indeed Lowe, of which I'm 95% sure, he had gross hair, hadn't shaved in a week, was wearing an all Nike basketball ensemble, and was with a woman clearly not his wife. He may have reaked of gin, too, but he passed by me too quickly...of course, how the hell was he up at 9am anyway? And despite it all, can we get him back in Boston? Please?)

Anyway, enjoy.

The Yankees are good. Damn good. And it pains me, a diehard Red Sox fan to admit it. That said, come October 2, Papi will be golfing in Green Bay whereas Jeter will be building up his Postseason legend (maybe) while A-Rod will once again be hitting .125 (.067 with runners in scoring position) while on a combo of Prozac, Ritalin and HGH (hey, whatever, rumormongering…it’s the internet, baby!). Since I’ll be forced to watch Big Stein’s minions for a month or so, I figured it’d be a good time to go over which Yankees it’s Ok to secretly respect and which under no circumstances can be rooted for. In fact, it’s a shame Giambi’s intestinal parasite from ’04 didn’t make its way on to them.

Oh, and PS: Kevin Brown…Greatest. Yankee. Ever.

Enjoy the list.

Group I: The Scrubs (TJ Beam, Brian Bruney, Sean Henn, Jeff Karstens, Darrell Rasner, Jose Veras, Wil Nieves, Andy Cannizaro, Nick Green, Aaron Guiel, Andy Phillips, Kevin Thompson)

Who are you? Do I know you? No. Were 95% of you enjoying the Boston Massacre Part II in Columbus? Yes. Will any of you not be in AAA next year? Likely not. Sure some of you like Phillips, Green, and Guiel were actually on the team most of the season, but only because the Yanks had no outfielders for six weeks. Andy Phillips=Bubba Crosby=Shane Spencer=Kevin Maas. There, I said it. I can’t hate you because a) I’ve never otherwise heard of you b) you’ve accomplished nada in the league in pinstripes and c) Trenton will be treating you just fine next season.

Group II: The “Not True” Yankees (Octavio Dotel, Cory Lidle, Scott Proctor, Ron Villone, Craig Wilson)

These are guys who will all likely be on the postseason roster, but are fairly new to their evilness and thus haven’t really had the opportunity yet to piss America off (especially its 51st state, Red Sox Nation). But they could with one key hit or relief appearance. I was tempted to make Craig Wilson a little more evil, as my fantasy team in 2004 was briefly called “The Mullets” for him and well…some other guy we’ll be discussing soon.

Group III: Give them Two More Years and I’ll Stick a Bullet in their Kneecap (Kyle Farnsworth, Chien-Ming Wang, Sal Fasano, Robinson Cano, Bobby Abreu, Melky Cabrera)

Most of these guys are also pretty new to being minions of the devil, but unlike the previous group are key contributors and have already started to piss me off. For example, Farnsworth may have been a bust, but he had that nasty curve against Papi in one of the earlier series in a clutch, bases loaded situation. Wang is getting dangerously…good, Fasano’s mustache is wayyyy too adored by his fellow guidos such as my co-blogger, Cano is also getting a little too big for his pinstriped britches, Abreu should be despised all the way on I-95 from the Philly fans he gave up on through the Mets fans he’ll burn in the World Series (so help me God, I hope I’m wrong) through Connecticut and Massachusetts, and Melky deserves scorn for those god-damned “Got Melky?” t-Shirts that keep popping up around the New York metro area. Seriously, though, after the “Got Rings?” version, are the Yankees just sponsored by The Dairy Farmers of America or what?

Group IV: I Despise You, But Damnit, I Respect You! (Mike Mussina, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Bernie Williams

These are the guys, that hey, I can admit, if the left their pinstripes at home and put on a red B, hell, I’d be happy. Here’s a brief synopsis of my feelings on each guy:

Moose: Seems like a good enough guy. Smart, likes to drink apparently, helped those kids from his hometown in PA when TWA flight 800 went down in 1996. Never has won a World Series, came off as decent in Faithful. Hey, he’s my “favorite” Yankee.

Jeter: Look, I don’t LIKE the guy. I mean he’s smug and a douchebag and all, and that play he made jumping into the stands on 2004? Well, Pokey Reese DID THE EXACT SAME THING A FEW INNINGS BEFORE JETER DID. But Pokey Reese isn’t Mr. Madison Ave., so no one remembers this. But, I won’t lie, when Jeter comes to the plate in a clutch situation, I just know it’s going to go poorly. That’s the definition of a good player. I just hope he has to retire a D-Ray or something.

Mo: Hey, the guy handed us the ALCS in 2004, so I got nothing but love. Plus, his reaction at the Sox 2005 home opener was affable. He seems like a decent guy, and hey, he has been pretty good during his career. And like I said, since the Sox kinda sorta have his number, I don’t hate him as much as I could.

Bernie: Well, I mean, he does play jazz flute, er, guitar, which is kinda lame. And he did spurn the Sox in ’97 when they offered him more money than Stein did, but Bernie’s loyalty, even if it is to evil, is still somewhat noble. Plus, now, he’s like watching Brett Favre in the outfield, where even if you’re a Bears fan, you just kind of feel bad. Though as far as I know, Favre has yet to release a crappy CD.

Group V: The ex-Sox (John Damon, Mike Myers)

Ok you dumbasses (idiots?) It’s not that we as Sox fans dislike you personally, it’s that we dislike your uniform and all who inhabit it. We remember all you did in 2004, but that’s the past now, and your pinstripes are your present and future, hence, why you get four word salutes now. Anyway, from Feeding the Monster it seems like Scott Boras was the real reason you’re in New York now Mr. Damon, and Theo not re-signing Myers was definitely a mistake, leaving us with whoever the hell Javier Lopez is as the only lefty in the pen. Still, you guys are freaking turncoats!

Group VI: I Just Mock You (Jaret Wright, Randy Johnson, Jason Giambi, Carl Pavano Double Play Rod)

These are the guys Yankee fans hate and everybody else, including us Sox fans hate too. Not because they’re really any good, mind you, but rather because they’re the overpaid mercenaries of the Evil Empire, all brought in to thus far (unsuccessfully, hahaha) win Big Stein that ring that’s alluded him these past 6 years. They’re cripples, juicers, geriatrics, or borderline psychos. Take a guess who’s who, and note A-Rod may be all at once! Wright’s just a tobacco spittin’ washout, Pavano spends more time wrecking his car in Florida than he does pitch, the Unit’s intimidating only cameramen nowadays, Giambi’s a known cheating fraud who is I guarantee still on one of his admitted drugs of choice, HGH, and A-Rod is well, yeah, see last week’s SI. The suit story is so damn good.

Group VII: I. Want. You. To. Die. (Jorge Posada, Miguel Cairo, Hideki Matsui, Gary Sheffield)

Ok, these are the guys that are the worst of the worst, the mast assholian of all. Assholian being a newly created word. Let’s analyze why each of these individuals will find themselves in Dante’s 9th ring of hell upon death:

Cairo: Some may question why he’s on the list. The answer is simple. I had to deal with Brandon’s idiotic comments about how underrated he was from 2003-04. He just annoys me in a way I’m sure somebody like Kevin Youkilis annoys him. Youuuuuukkkk!!!

Matsui: The guy is a lethal hitter. His family also would’ve been ended in Hiroshima if I had anything to do with it. He is the ugliest player in baseball today, oh wait except for…

Posada: He looks like a toad and has balls the size of one. Seriously, can anybody ever forget him jawing with Pedro in the 2003 ALCS? What a loser. He’s an overrated perennial all-star, constantly keeping more deserving guys out. He’s so good the Unit’s run through about 3 “personal” catchers since he got to the team. Of course, the good news as long as he’s there Stein won’t buy off Joe Mauer’s soul. I hope.
And now, as mentioned, the King of all Pinstriped Petulance, Mr. Gary Sheffield: Oh Sheff, how do I hate you? Let me count the ways. But I won’t, as this has run on too long anyway. All I’ll say is, you’re crosseyed, old, your pre-swing bat twirling is gay, you did steroids and were Barry Bonds’ bitch all at once, you got in a fight with a fan and a grounds crew worker, and, my personal favorite, you offered up this gem of a quote, right before you know what happened in mid-October, 2004, “They're a walking disaster. They act like they're tough, how they care so much about winning, but it's all a front. They're just a bunch of characters." Thanks Sheff, enjoy splitting time with Melky in the playoffs.

We've Moved!

Because of bandwidth issues, you can now find Richie K. right here. Look for much more constant snarky posting from me, and editorials from Brandon now that we have that problem solved.

-Brendan

This Week's Worst: Coaches to Reach the Big One

Because we're just mean SOB's (I am, anyway), I decided that what with baseball's playoffs staring us in the face it would be a good idea to take a look at the worst coaches/managers to ever reach the championship in sports history. Yes, I am aware that reaching a championship game/series is a great accomplishment, but hey, sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle for a few weeks and then regress back to mediocrity, or worse. I'm sure Cubs fans will agree, if Dusty Baker (#5) can make the World Series, well hey, there's hope out there for all the Jim Tracy's of the world.
Without further ado, here it is:

10. Mike Hargrove. Let's take a look: Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome, Roberto Alomar, Omar Vizquel, Richie Sexson, Matt Williams, Brian Giles, Bartolo Colon, Sandy Alomar, and David Justice. ALL ON ONE FREAKING TEAM! Now granted not all these guys had hit their peaks yet, but come on, this was an uber-stacked squad that won 86 games in a weak AL Central in 1997, then made a run, then lost to the Mercenary Marlins. And then there was the 1995 loss to the Braves who went a combined 2-8 in all World Series games after that. And his record with the M's? Well let's just say The Human Rain Delay hasn't exactly been The Reignman in Safeco. (Yes! Worked a Shawn Kemp reference in!)

9. Raymond Berry. Bill Belichick, he ain't. The only other Pats coach to lead them to the Super Bowl, Berry (a helluva tight end in his day) is the quintessential lightning in a bottle guy. Unfortunately for him, Steve Grogan, Tony Eason, et al, Richard Dent, The Fridge, and the rest of the Shufflers don't like lightning. In fact, William Perry probably has tried to eat it at some point.

8. Brian Billick. This "Quarterback Guru" was hired to instill life in a comatose Ravens offense. What's happened since? Well, his defense carried Trent "I'm a backup behind Alex Smith now" Dilfer to a championship. Marvin Lewis, his stellar defensive coordinator is now a top head coach in Cincinnati, and while the team looks good this year, the offense is lead by veteran pickup Steve McNair, not his project, Kyle Boller who's screwed Paris Hilton almost as much as he has Ravens fans. Before the season, despite the city's first championship since the '83 O's, fans were calling for his smirky head.

7. Bob Brenly. This guy may be the quintessential, "Hey look at this, I have the 2 best players in the game right now on my side, this is easy!" manager. So good he was fired not long after winning a championship for a guy who turned out to be a criminal, then eventually replaced him with the guy who'd been fired for Hargrove. Game set match Bobbo.

6. Barry Switzer, Cowboys version. Shall we run the play once? Sure! Didin't work? How 'bout twice! He owes Neil O'Donnell a Christmas card for eternity. Of course, he was great at OU, if you like your national champions packing heat...

5. Dusty Baker. He owes it all to BALCO, baby! For further reference on his qualifications as a manager, see: http://firedustybaker.com/. That is all.

4. Mike Milbury. Hey, as a GM, he suddenly looks like a genius in the post-Let's give DiPietro a 15 year deal, why not? But as a coach, well, let's just say I don't think the people of Long Island and Boston are too sad to see him in their rear view mirrors on the bench. In case you were wondering, the answer is, he took the 89-90 Bruins to the finals where they recieved a 4-1 smackdown by the Gretzky-less Oilers.

3. Paul Hewitt. Who you ask? The guy who got Luke Schenscher (sp?) to the finals before obliteration by UCONN in 2004. Yeah, thought you might've forgotten that final. Since, he's a whopping 31-29, 8-20 in the ACC. He makes the list over Mike Davis, who got a bum rap. Seriously.

2. Jim Harrick. I mean, I got a good job and all, but how good would my GPA have been if I had taken Fundamentals of Basketball 101 with his son? Like how many licks it takes to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop, the word will never know. This cheat was basically the anti-Wooden at UCLA, but he did win it all once, so hey, he makes the list. In the meantime, I think I read he's in like Fort Wayne coaching in the D-League, and the O'Bannon brothers went on to stellar NBA careers.

And now...#1...
1. Bill Callahan. I just have no idea how this happened, I really don't. I mean, I don't even have anything to say. Historians will one day look at the annals of the Super Bowl, and go "Who the hell was this guy?" They will also look at the history of Nebraska coaches and say the same thing. He only got the job because Frank Solich was roofied up, anyway.
There you have it, kids.
Brendan