The Biggest Busts in the NFL, 2006

Alright, first of all, I know what you’re all wondering…”Where in the holy hell have you been of late, Richie K?” Well kids, the answer is simple, we’ve been out banging moms, duh. Of course, it also has been an issue that Brandon actually got employed (read his stuff now on page D10 of local greater Baltimore newspapers for that important Goucher-Villa Julie women’s college basketball report). But I digress. What good would a blog post be if it didn’t contain the typical vitriol necessitated by the genre? So, let’s get to brass tacks here. It’s time of course for another top 10 list. The list? The biggest busts of the 2006 NFL season. And yes, Brandon, the Skins are on the list, sorry.

10. Eli Manning. His stats aren’t terrible, and the Giants made the playoffs, but when you’re a fought over #1 pick in his third year starting, well, you ought to not be a weekly emotional question mark. I know Philip Rivers has struggled recently, but yeah, just a little bit of a difference…




9. The Seahawks. Like Eli, Shaun Alexander, Matt Hasselbeck and co. are playing in January, but they won’t be marching in like they were last year. I know they’ve been banged up, but the loss to San Fran was just…terrible. It really does make me question if this team won’t lose to the Bears by 37 should they play.

8. The ‘Skins. All I heard this summer was, Joe Gibbs is gonna be able to take this team with all these weapons and a solid D deep into the playoffs because he’s such a great coach and has all these weapons. Well, ahem, co-blogger, that hasn’t exactly happened now has it? Now they’re out of the playoffs, starting the backup, have a coach who looks just like an old man, and hell, I haven’t even heard of a good Clinton Portis outfit in weeks!

7. The Cardinals. They are who they always have been! I think Edgerrin James kind of wishes he went to a team that had, you know, an offensive line. At least Matt Leinart became a Dad. I’m sure he can take solace in that and the amount of grade-A poontang he gets to bury his face in every day. Otherwise this chic NFC West pick has been a disgrace to what is apparently an awesome stadium.

6. Daunte Culpepper and the Dolphins. I couldn’t really separate one from the other. Remember the preseason hype for these guys? It was, “they finished so well and now they have a former all-pro at QB.” Well, guess what? Apparently Daunte spent a few too many days on Lake Okeechobee because they started ice cold, and he got benched for Joey Freaking Harrington. At least they sort of re-created a strong end of season run again; I can’t wait for them to be predicted to win the Super Bowl again next August. They should bring back Shula.




5. Jon Gruden. Wasn’t this guys supposed to be a boy genius? Christ, I don’t care if you have to start Bruce Gradkowski, if you’re so damn smart, you can do better than 4-12. At least he still has his spleen, though.

4. The Steelers. They lost two key components of their championship team in The Bus and Randle-El, and they weren’t exactly the most dominant champion ever, and, of course, Ben Roethlisberger decided to test how many lives he has, and yeah, they are now .500, but still, defending champs aren’t supposed to be 8-8. Their season really does remind however of the Patriots 2002 season where they finished 9-7 but then the dynasty rolled on.

3. Jake Plummer. Teams with championship aspirations shouldn’t ever have to bench the starting QB. I mean, hell, even Trent Dilfer held his job. Yet, here the Broncos find themselves. I remember a Bill Simmons column last year where he compared Plummer’s revival year to Rich Gannon’s career. Well, needless to say whereas Gannon late in his career became an MVP, Plummer finds himself on the path to clipboard-dom. Too bad; his beard last year was pretty kickass.





2. Randy Moss. Has any player ever suffered a more precipitous decline in fantasy value? I mean, wasn’t it just like three seasons ago that he was the only receiver you’d consider as a 1st round pick? Now, granted Zack Braff’s retarded quarterback character from “Garden State” is likely better than the Brooks/Walter combo in Oakland, but still, Moss has basically admitted to not giving a shit while on the field. Way to go Randy.

1. The Panthers. Sigh, I too bought into these guys. I really liked them, especially with DeAngelo Williams. Instead, they’re out of the playoffs again. Oh well. I’m not bitter just because they ruined both my preseason picks and my weekly picks, nah, not at all. Damn you to hell John Fox!!!







Now, we’re going back to banging moms. Stay tuned.

FIX MY REDSKINS !!!

5-11.

That's many things. It's the height of tallest girl I'll have sex with. It's the 11th day of May. It's San Francisco's area code. It is NOT the record my Washington Redskins should be ending a season with. Maybe the Arizona Cardinals. Maybe the Cleveland Browns. Maybe the Houston Texans. But NOT the Washington Redskins. So what went wrong?

We started a Rogaine model (Mark Brunell) at QB for far too long, while I sat on my couch screaming and punching myself in the testicles hoping through some cosmic force, Joe Gibbs would feel my pain and put in the future, Jason Campbell. He did. When we were all but out of the playoff chase. Clinton Portis - running back, interview guru, Flavor Flav's sloppy seconds - seperates his shoulder in the pre-season showing the defense how to make a tackle. They didn't watch closely enough, as they blew more tackles than the fat chick at the club when the NFLers come in on Sunday night. Our pass rush was actually sickening to watch. I threw up chili on my John Riggins jersey watching them flail around like seizuring special ed. students versus every NFC East team. The secondary is either too old or too young.

You want solutions?

Start with the talent on the team already. It's there. Two vastly different, very talented WRs, with the best slot guy/return guy/trick-play guy in the game - Indiana QB Antwaan Randle El - will help Campbell take the next step. His tight end, Chris Cooley, is going to make a few Pro Bowls down the road; the guy can catch, run and block from several positions on the field, plus his hair is just amazing. Plus, he's got that last name that sounds like people are booing, but they're really saying COOOOOOOOley. Kinda like DUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE. Or ... BOOOOOOOOOOO Williams. I like those kind of players. And with that talent, the ball needs to be in the air more than it was this season. The capability for a truly balance offense is there, when you take a look at the running game; featuring Ladell Betts - who boggled my mind this season with his tenacity - and CP. The smart play here? Go wish-bone, Gibbs. OLD SCHOOL! Get them both out there. Put Cooley in front, and Betts and Portis behind him; move Cooley around, move Portis around; go to a strong set, an I set, whatever; but those guys both need to see time. They're both getting paid like starters, anyway. Start 'em.

Defensively, the talent is there, and showed it at times. But a big-time pass-rush is needed, more consistent play from the DT position and Gregg Williams and his bloated salary need to teach someone how the hell to tackle. And knock down a pass. Force a few turnovers. This guy gets paid like a head coach, and is about as loved in Washington as Osama Bin Laden. Dump this hillbilly off on the Colts, or some other chump defense. (Why isn't Darrell Green coaching anyone on this team? DBs? Special Teams? Get him a job, ASAP. And Charles Mann.)

Now for free agency.

Dwight Freeney needs to be offered a contract so big that first day of availability that he actually orgasms. Dan Snyder is the guy to do that. (Plus, he's got Tom Cruise's witchcraft to help sway the deal.) Honestly, a few years ago, I thought he was going to with Jevon Kearse. Eagles beat him to the punch; and we start Phillip Daniels and a 49er reject at DE. Granted, Andre Carter started to pick it up at the end of the season, and the 'Niners were so bad the past few seasons teams ran on them 3 of the 4 quarters - hence eliminating the need for a pass-rushing guy like Carter - but the guy is a slouch, plain and simple. And I know you're saying Freeney is going to re-sign. How? The Colts D is so bad, they need to spread that money around; a corner here, a DT there; not one lump sum for Freeney. I want Freeney, and I want to either re-sign Derrick Dockery, or bring in a replacement. This offensive line is talented - see: Ladell Betts running for 1,000 yards - so it'd be best to re-sign him and keep them together; but there's talent out there in either the draft or free agency to replace him if he decides to venture off.

As far as the NFL Draft is concerned, the no. 6 pick is a great one to have - if you need a building block. We don't. Brady Quinn, Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson, Dwayne Jarrett, Ted Ginn Jr., Greg Olsen, Joe Thomas, Gaines Adams, Quentin Moses and Laron Landry are those type of guys. Notice the quantity. Some team is going to want to trade up to get one of those players. Lets trade down, to the middle of the round, and pick up the best player in this entire draft: Paul Posluszny. I will buy 25 jerseys myself if this guy is a Redskin. Watching this guy play gives me and my golffish erections. I almost want the Packers to take him, so they can amass the greatest linebacking unit of Caucasians ever, but I'm greedy. I want him. I want Gibbs stumbling over his name during press-conferences. I want Gregg Williams' replacement patting him on the butt after he bleeds all over Eli Manning. I want an immovable object in the center of my defense to remind the nation's capital what this country was built on: Burying cocky receivers who come across the middle. Add with the third round pick we get with that trade, and we get ourselves a decent enough CB or OL prospect. I'd love to take Brandon Meriweather - who's stock plummeted in that fight vs. FIU - and pair him with another thug from Miami - Sean Taylor - and watch the first live decapitation in NFL history as they high/low Donte Stallworth next season.

Hey, Gibbs. Do those things, you get yourself another Super Bowl ring with a black quarterback. HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!

Rich Kotite (Bangin' Your Mom) At The Movies !!!

"Rocky Balboa"

3 out of 4 Smiling Kotites (Yeah; that's a smile ...)

There are a few things in this world that get any man riled up: A sexy woman, a few shots of tequila and the music from "Rocky." Whether it's the original instrumental version, or the Survivor "Eye of the Tiger" power ballad / instant erection (for me anyway) from the sequels.

"Rocky Balboa" doesn't stray far from the road that led its predecessors to success:

Step One: Establish Likeable Underdog Status for Protagonist.

Step Two: Establish Dominant Antagonist for Underdog -- Preferably a Minority (Mr. T, Apollo Creed, George Washington Duke and this versions Mason Dixon) or Foreigner (Ivan Drago).

Step Three: Establish Some Sort of Love Interest.

Step Four: Show Vastly Different Training Montages.

Step Five: SHOWDOWN! with a) ring entrances, b) motivational speech for Rocky, c) first and/or second and/or third round domination by underdog and then finally d) triumphant Balboa wins over the crowd, earns his opponents respect and rights all wrongs.

However, this "Rocky" - out of all the sequels - is the most similar to the original, which dominated the 1977 Academy Awards, and launched our boy Sly into the spotlight. The story begins in a graveyard, at Adrian's headstone, who seems to have past between film five and six from, as Stallone later describes, "Ladies Cancer." He lives in a crappy Philadelphia house (although in that city, what house isn't crappy?) and has two pet turtles in his bedroom, feeds the birds outside some sort of candy and does roughly six chin-ups a morning with his coffee. He runs a somewhat successful restaurant, with, what Paulie sums up in the funniest part of the movie, "... a bunch of Mexicans cookin' Italian food ..." His son is some sort of financial bitch, and seems to be doing OK for himself. During all this, we see glimpses of the current heavyweight champion, Mason "The Line" Dixon - another phenomenal name from the "Rocky" saga (played decently enough by current Light Heavyweight Champion Antonio Tarver). He's not the people's champion Balboa was, and, in many ways, we see Stallone taking jabs (pardon the pun ...) at the real boxing scene.

The most confusing part of the film - to Rich Kotite, anyway - was the character of Little Marie. Remember her from the first one? The cigarette-smoking, street-walking little girl? She's bartending now in South Philly, at a place I'm sure a ton of Eagles fans inhabit on game day. Balboa comes in to reminisce about a date he and Adrian had there years before, and is recognized by Little Marie. He drives her home, which begins what appears to be a courtship/friendship/parentship of Marie and her son, "Steps." ("Steps," by the way, was fathered by a Jamaican man, to which Balboa replies "Jamaican huh? So he's European?" Sly Stallone may be the only person on the planet who could deliver that line and actually convince me of the sincerity.)

"Steps" slowly turns into the son Balboa wishes his own boy was; the two buy a dog together, he gives the kid a job in his restaurant and he even takes him into the gym during the training montage.

Anyway; back to the plot. ESPN - that SOB - is what ultimately gets Balboa back into the ring. After showing a computer-generated bout between the current versus former Heavyweight champion, Balboa wins and pisses off Dixon, who has been searching for a way to regain his popularity with the Pay-Per-View buyers he so dearly wants to impress. Dixon's manager and publicist find their way into "Adrian's" to make an offer to the Italian Stallion - after learning of its location from "Cold Pizza" and Skip Bayless (who should be shot in the fucking head). Balboa accepts - after learning some of the proceeds will go to charity, of course - to a ten-round exhibition in Las Vegas; and then, my friends, the movie goes from good to orgasmic.

The training montage we've all grown to love hits hard, with an appearance from Apollo Creed's old manager, Duke (Tony Burton, one of only four actors to appear in all the films, by the way ...), telling Balboa he's got no speed and is falling apart. Balboa's only chance, Duke says, is the line that made me want to stand up and punch the lady next to me: "What we will be calling on is blunt force trauma ... Let's start building some hurting bombs ..." Solid gold. 100%.

Once the fight is on - and Balboa enters the ring to Frank Sinatra singing "High Hopes" - the action finally picks up; waiting for the climax like only the first "Rocky" did. Dixon warns Balboa not to try and hurt him, or else he'll punish the old man. Balboa does what he knows how to do: Leads with his chin and works the body. These scenes are the only ones Tarver looks comfortable in, pummeling a somewhat jacked, somewhat geriatric Stallone on and about the head and face.

I won't give away the ending, but it doesn't end with a senile Balboa screaming and crying "ADRIAN!" on his way to the nursing home (like I'd feared).

Overall, the film is exactly what you'd expect it to be: A cookie-cutter version of the series, with a modern twist. Look for Mike Tyson making a jaw-dropping cameo in Las Vegas, and keep your ears open everytime Paulie speaks. If you're a fan of the old "Rocky" movies, see it. If you're a boxing fan, see it. If you have something hanging between your legs, see it. Tell 'em Richie Kotite sent ya!