Because of bandwidth issues, you can now find Richie K. right here. Look for much more constant snarky posting from me, and editorials from Brandon now that we have that problem solved.
-Brendan
Monday, October 02, 2006
This Week's Worst: Coaches to Reach the Big One
Because we're just mean SOB's (I am, anyway), I decided that what with baseball's playoffs staring us in the face it would be a good idea to take a look at the worst coaches/managers to ever reach the championship in sports history. Yes, I am aware that reaching a championship game/series is a great accomplishment, but hey, sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle for a few weeks and then regress back to mediocrity, or worse. I'm sure Cubs fans will agree, if Dusty Baker (#5) can make the World Series, well hey, there's hope out there for all the Jim Tracy's of the world.
Without further ado, here it is:
10. Mike Hargrove. Let's take a look: Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome, Roberto Alomar, Omar Vizquel, Richie Sexson, Matt Williams, Brian Giles, Bartolo Colon, Sandy Alomar, and David Justice. ALL ON ONE FREAKING TEAM! Now granted not all these guys had hit their peaks yet, but come on, this was an uber-stacked squad that won 86 games in a weak AL Central in 1997, then made a run, then lost to the Mercenary Marlins. And then there was the 1995 loss to the Braves who went a combined 2-8 in all World Series games after that. And his record with the M's? Well let's just say The Human Rain Delay hasn't exactly been The Reignman in Safeco. (Yes! Worked a Shawn Kemp reference in!)
9. Raymond Berry. Bill Belichick, he ain't. The only other Pats coach to lead them to the Super Bowl, Berry (a helluva tight end in his day) is the quintessential lightning in a bottle guy. Unfortunately for him, Steve Grogan, Tony Eason, et al, Richard Dent, The Fridge, and the rest of the Shufflers don't like lightning. In fact, William Perry probably has tried to eat it at some point.
8. Brian Billick. This "Quarterback Guru" was hired to instill life in a comatose Ravens offense. What's happened since? Well, his defense carried Trent "I'm a backup behind Alex Smith now" Dilfer to a championship. Marvin Lewis, his stellar defensive coordinator is now a top head coach in Cincinnati, and while the team looks good this year, the offense is lead by veteran pickup Steve McNair, not his project, Kyle Boller who's screwed Paris Hilton almost as much as he has Ravens fans. Before the season, despite the city's first championship since the '83 O's, fans were calling for his smirky head.
7. Bob Brenly. This guy may be the quintessential, "Hey look at this, I have the 2 best players in the game right now on my side, this is easy!" manager. So good he was fired not long after winning a championship for a guy who turned out to be a criminal, then eventually replaced him with the guy who'd been fired for Hargrove. Game set match Bobbo.
6. Barry Switzer, Cowboys version. Shall we run the play once? Sure! Didin't work? How 'bout twice! He owes Neil O'Donnell a Christmas card for eternity. Of course, he was great at OU, if you like your national champions packing heat...
5. Dusty Baker. He owes it all to BALCO, baby! For further reference on his qualifications as a manager, see: http://firedustybaker.com/. That is all.
4. Mike Milbury. Hey, as a GM, he suddenly looks like a genius in the post-Let's give DiPietro a 15 year deal, why not? But as a coach, well, let's just say I don't think the people of Long Island and Boston are too sad to see him in their rear view mirrors on the bench. In case you were wondering, the answer is, he took the 89-90 Bruins to the finals where they recieved a 4-1 smackdown by the Gretzky-less Oilers.
3. Paul Hewitt. Who you ask? The guy who got Luke Schenscher (sp?) to the finals before obliteration by UCONN in 2004. Yeah, thought you might've forgotten that final. Since, he's a whopping 31-29, 8-20 in the ACC. He makes the list over Mike Davis, who got a bum rap. Seriously.
2. Jim Harrick. I mean, I got a good job and all, but how good would my GPA have been if I had taken Fundamentals of Basketball 101 with his son? Like how many licks it takes to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop, the word will never know. This cheat was basically the anti-Wooden at UCLA, but he did win it all once, so hey, he makes the list. In the meantime, I think I read he's in like Fort Wayne coaching in the D-League, and the O'Bannon brothers went on to stellar NBA careers.
And now...#1...
1. Bill Callahan. I just have no idea how this happened, I really don't. I mean, I don't even have anything to say. Historians will one day look at the annals of the Super Bowl, and go "Who the hell was this guy?" They will also look at the history of Nebraska coaches and say the same thing. He only got the job because Frank Solich was roofied up, anyway.
There you have it, kids.
Brendan
Without further ado, here it is:
10. Mike Hargrove. Let's take a look: Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome, Roberto Alomar, Omar Vizquel, Richie Sexson, Matt Williams, Brian Giles, Bartolo Colon, Sandy Alomar, and David Justice. ALL ON ONE FREAKING TEAM! Now granted not all these guys had hit their peaks yet, but come on, this was an uber-stacked squad that won 86 games in a weak AL Central in 1997, then made a run, then lost to the Mercenary Marlins. And then there was the 1995 loss to the Braves who went a combined 2-8 in all World Series games after that. And his record with the M's? Well let's just say The Human Rain Delay hasn't exactly been The Reignman in Safeco. (Yes! Worked a Shawn Kemp reference in!)
9. Raymond Berry. Bill Belichick, he ain't. The only other Pats coach to lead them to the Super Bowl, Berry (a helluva tight end in his day) is the quintessential lightning in a bottle guy. Unfortunately for him, Steve Grogan, Tony Eason, et al, Richard Dent, The Fridge, and the rest of the Shufflers don't like lightning. In fact, William Perry probably has tried to eat it at some point.
8. Brian Billick. This "Quarterback Guru" was hired to instill life in a comatose Ravens offense. What's happened since? Well, his defense carried Trent "I'm a backup behind Alex Smith now" Dilfer to a championship. Marvin Lewis, his stellar defensive coordinator is now a top head coach in Cincinnati, and while the team looks good this year, the offense is lead by veteran pickup Steve McNair, not his project, Kyle Boller who's screwed Paris Hilton almost as much as he has Ravens fans. Before the season, despite the city's first championship since the '83 O's, fans were calling for his smirky head.
7. Bob Brenly. This guy may be the quintessential, "Hey look at this, I have the 2 best players in the game right now on my side, this is easy!" manager. So good he was fired not long after winning a championship for a guy who turned out to be a criminal, then eventually replaced him with the guy who'd been fired for Hargrove. Game set match Bobbo.
6. Barry Switzer, Cowboys version. Shall we run the play once? Sure! Didin't work? How 'bout twice! He owes Neil O'Donnell a Christmas card for eternity. Of course, he was great at OU, if you like your national champions packing heat...
5. Dusty Baker. He owes it all to BALCO, baby! For further reference on his qualifications as a manager, see: http://firedustybaker.com/. That is all.
4. Mike Milbury. Hey, as a GM, he suddenly looks like a genius in the post-Let's give DiPietro a 15 year deal, why not? But as a coach, well, let's just say I don't think the people of Long Island and Boston are too sad to see him in their rear view mirrors on the bench. In case you were wondering, the answer is, he took the 89-90 Bruins to the finals where they recieved a 4-1 smackdown by the Gretzky-less Oilers.
3. Paul Hewitt. Who you ask? The guy who got Luke Schenscher (sp?) to the finals before obliteration by UCONN in 2004. Yeah, thought you might've forgotten that final. Since, he's a whopping 31-29, 8-20 in the ACC. He makes the list over Mike Davis, who got a bum rap. Seriously.
2. Jim Harrick. I mean, I got a good job and all, but how good would my GPA have been if I had taken Fundamentals of Basketball 101 with his son? Like how many licks it takes to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop, the word will never know. This cheat was basically the anti-Wooden at UCLA, but he did win it all once, so hey, he makes the list. In the meantime, I think I read he's in like Fort Wayne coaching in the D-League, and the O'Bannon brothers went on to stellar NBA careers.
And now...#1...
1. Bill Callahan. I just have no idea how this happened, I really don't. I mean, I don't even have anything to say. Historians will one day look at the annals of the Super Bowl, and go "Who the hell was this guy?" They will also look at the history of Nebraska coaches and say the same thing. He only got the job because Frank Solich was roofied up, anyway.
There you have it, kids.
Brendan
This ain’t your grandfather’s National Football League anymore. Hell, it's not even your dad's. And I blame it all on Paul Tagliabue, flags and domes.
The past few years I’ve seen referees digging around their pants more than a Wall Street broker leaving a Chinatown massage parlor. Take some recent Sunday and Monday night games for a prime example. Madden, Michaels, Kornheiser, Theissman and Tirico heaped more praise on the safeties in these games than any other position, and rightfully so. Sean Taylor, Troy Polamalu, Donovin Darius and Roy Williams are premiere talents at their positions. Each one drew at least one personal foul in their respected games, and for what? Taylor hit a receiver too hard. Darius led with his head. And not even Joe Theissman, who you may recall suffered a broken freaking leg in the middle of a game at the hands of one of the great NFL assassins of all-time, agreed with the calls. “Let the players play,” he said, in some form or another, as they all did. And yet each and every quarterback and wide receiver looks to the refs with those puppy-dog eyes when they get hit too hard, or too near the sidelines or too close to their endorsement-money faces … It is getting to be too damned much.
Now I understand that there is the possibility for serious injury on that field. I understand that the quarterback is vulnerable on most plays. But isn’t that why they wear the equipment? Isn’t that why helmets aren’t made of leather anymore? And isn’t that why God invented a soccer ball?
I find it offensive to the sanctity of the game that quarterbacks – who knowingly leave their pocket of protection – get to slide on their butts to avoid contact. How many flags get thrown when the right guard and the nose tackle butt heads? Their helmets are scarred and discolored after the game to the point that they look like pre-schoolers scribbled on them. But if that same nose tackle breaks through the line and puts the top of his head into that 6’5”, 260 lb., Nike-sponsored quarterback’s? 15 yards and a fine from the league office. I almost vomited when I heard a personal foul get called on someone for "extending their arms" at the quarterback. Those are the type of calls that make my penis get soft.
Call me crazy, but I think the XFL and Arena Football had/have a lot more going for them than we gave it credit for. Fair catches? If you want to “fair catch” a ball, do it in the outfield on a softball field, ladies. You want a “fair” chance to catch a ball on the gridiron? Punt returners used to be the craziest sons of bitches on the team, and special teams players used to be human bullets flying downfield. They weren't as good as the stars of the offense and defense, but they earned their respect by taking the hits the fast receivers and stud linebackers didn't want to deal with. Now? A failed college quarterback who relied too much on the option is back there, and he daintily waves his arm above his head to alert the guys who carry Ray Lewis' gym bag that he's not going to try and advance this ball ...
Have we forgotten the history of this game? The greats that used to roam that proverbial frozen tundra? Almost every compilation of NFL defensive talent – whether it’s by the NFL office itself or Sports Illustrated or some 35-year old living in his mother’s basement wearing a throwback jersey – includes players that would get flagged and fined in today’s game. You disagree? Ronnie Lott led with his head more than Jenna Jameson. Deacon Jones’ personal head-slap – the signature move of a Hall of Fame player – is now a personal foul. Dick Butkus did everything in his power to make sure a quarterback didn’t play all four quarters. Ditto for Lawrence Taylor. You think Joe Greene got his “Mean” nickname for letting a QB slide in front of him? Night Train Lane? And it’s a two-way street. I’m sure Johnny Unitas throws up in his grave when he sees how pampered his position has become. And now these guys are breaking all his records? If Sammy Baugh and Otto Graham weren’t hit by a forearm in the nose every time they got tackled, the record books would be much different. Those are tough quarterbacks, those are the men that revolutionized the position … And for what? So J.P. Losman can scramble a few yards and awkwardly slide without getting his head taken off? When Trent Green got smashed a few weeks ago, I was the only one in the bar who stood up and cheered. Some men actually groaned and shouted for flags and fines immediately. For what? A football player making a football play? Jesus Christ people, for an extra $24 a month you can watch all the Premier League you want! Buy a sixer of Stella Artois and get the hell off that barstool.
And what about domes? Fran Tarkenton played in Minnesota – outside – for most of his 18-year career. Put that guy on some turf and Mike Vick would simply be “the black Tark” with less of an arm. I’m not a Green Bay Packers fan, or a Chicago Bears fan, but they’ve earned my respect more than their purple-clad opponents. And now they’re putting teams inside if the stadium was too hot! Arizona and their Pink Taco Stadium is as air-conditioned as can be; don’t want Matt Leinart breaking a sweat out there …
Maybe I’m a little too old-school, but I want my hits hard and high, I want my quarterbacks fighting for that extra yard and I want my toes to be freezing off when I’m sitting there waiting for it all to happen.
- Brandon
The past few years I’ve seen referees digging around their pants more than a Wall Street broker leaving a Chinatown massage parlor. Take some recent Sunday and Monday night games for a prime example. Madden, Michaels, Kornheiser, Theissman and Tirico heaped more praise on the safeties in these games than any other position, and rightfully so. Sean Taylor, Troy Polamalu, Donovin Darius and Roy Williams are premiere talents at their positions. Each one drew at least one personal foul in their respected games, and for what? Taylor hit a receiver too hard. Darius led with his head. And not even Joe Theissman, who you may recall suffered a broken freaking leg in the middle of a game at the hands of one of the great NFL assassins of all-time, agreed with the calls. “Let the players play,” he said, in some form or another, as they all did. And yet each and every quarterback and wide receiver looks to the refs with those puppy-dog eyes when they get hit too hard, or too near the sidelines or too close to their endorsement-money faces … It is getting to be too damned much.
Now I understand that there is the possibility for serious injury on that field. I understand that the quarterback is vulnerable on most plays. But isn’t that why they wear the equipment? Isn’t that why helmets aren’t made of leather anymore? And isn’t that why God invented a soccer ball?
I find it offensive to the sanctity of the game that quarterbacks – who knowingly leave their pocket of protection – get to slide on their butts to avoid contact. How many flags get thrown when the right guard and the nose tackle butt heads? Their helmets are scarred and discolored after the game to the point that they look like pre-schoolers scribbled on them. But if that same nose tackle breaks through the line and puts the top of his head into that 6’5”, 260 lb., Nike-sponsored quarterback’s? 15 yards and a fine from the league office. I almost vomited when I heard a personal foul get called on someone for "extending their arms" at the quarterback. Those are the type of calls that make my penis get soft.
Call me crazy, but I think the XFL and Arena Football had/have a lot more going for them than we gave it credit for. Fair catches? If you want to “fair catch” a ball, do it in the outfield on a softball field, ladies. You want a “fair” chance to catch a ball on the gridiron? Punt returners used to be the craziest sons of bitches on the team, and special teams players used to be human bullets flying downfield. They weren't as good as the stars of the offense and defense, but they earned their respect by taking the hits the fast receivers and stud linebackers didn't want to deal with. Now? A failed college quarterback who relied too much on the option is back there, and he daintily waves his arm above his head to alert the guys who carry Ray Lewis' gym bag that he's not going to try and advance this ball ...
Have we forgotten the history of this game? The greats that used to roam that proverbial frozen tundra? Almost every compilation of NFL defensive talent – whether it’s by the NFL office itself or Sports Illustrated or some 35-year old living in his mother’s basement wearing a throwback jersey – includes players that would get flagged and fined in today’s game. You disagree? Ronnie Lott led with his head more than Jenna Jameson. Deacon Jones’ personal head-slap – the signature move of a Hall of Fame player – is now a personal foul. Dick Butkus did everything in his power to make sure a quarterback didn’t play all four quarters. Ditto for Lawrence Taylor. You think Joe Greene got his “Mean” nickname for letting a QB slide in front of him? Night Train Lane? And it’s a two-way street. I’m sure Johnny Unitas throws up in his grave when he sees how pampered his position has become. And now these guys are breaking all his records? If Sammy Baugh and Otto Graham weren’t hit by a forearm in the nose every time they got tackled, the record books would be much different. Those are tough quarterbacks, those are the men that revolutionized the position … And for what? So J.P. Losman can scramble a few yards and awkwardly slide without getting his head taken off? When Trent Green got smashed a few weeks ago, I was the only one in the bar who stood up and cheered. Some men actually groaned and shouted for flags and fines immediately. For what? A football player making a football play? Jesus Christ people, for an extra $24 a month you can watch all the Premier League you want! Buy a sixer of Stella Artois and get the hell off that barstool.
And what about domes? Fran Tarkenton played in Minnesota – outside – for most of his 18-year career. Put that guy on some turf and Mike Vick would simply be “the black Tark” with less of an arm. I’m not a Green Bay Packers fan, or a Chicago Bears fan, but they’ve earned my respect more than their purple-clad opponents. And now they’re putting teams inside if the stadium was too hot! Arizona and their Pink Taco Stadium is as air-conditioned as can be; don’t want Matt Leinart breaking a sweat out there …
Maybe I’m a little too old-school, but I want my hits hard and high, I want my quarterbacks fighting for that extra yard and I want my toes to be freezing off when I’m sitting there waiting for it all to happen.
- Brandon
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