Monday, January 15, 2007

The 10 People You’d Hang Out With In Sports Heaven

We’d all like to hang out with sports celebrities. You know in your heart of hearts you’d trade all your friends to chill with an athlete and be homeboys (as the kids say). But, because I continuously feel the need to ripoff David Letterman, there are 10 people/groups that would be the best to hang with. Here, in top 10 list fashion, they are:

First, others receiving votes: Any offensive lineman (guaranteed a great meal, if you can get any food, that is), Emeka Okafor (a night of intellectual conversation, I’m sure), James Laurinitis (When your dad was “The Animal” you know you’ll get some stellar stories), Maria Sharapova (um, duh), Ben Roethlisberger (the conversation goes, You: “dude you should totally try and jump off the bar and onto the pool table 25 feet away,” Him: “hell yeah man, I’m gonna do it!” and then the fun ensues), Michael Irvin (hey, he’d hide your hashpipe, which is pretty cool), Mark Cuban (He’d make stalking college girls seem somehow not awkward).

10. Tank Johnson. Sure, there’s always the risk of getting capped in the ass, but you know if it happens (or when, as your viewpoint may be), you got enough ammos to take over Basra. And that, my friends, is peace of mind.

9. Scott Van Pelt. Every time I watch Sportscenter, I get the impression that SVP is the kind of guy who’d be fun at a bar when you’re chilling with your friends, doing hilarious impressions of your other friends and awkwardly trying to pick up chicks. He is, without a doubt, the best SC anchor out there right now.

8. Daniel Snyder. Not only could he buy you anything you asked for, but you could hang out with celebrities like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and try and figure out exactly what the fuck is going through their heads. You’d go to some reallllly nice place, have a $75 plate of duck and a $1000 bottle of red, then go pick up strippers. At least, this is how I picture what I’d do if I were filthy rich…

7. The 2004 Red Sox. I don’t care if you’re a Yankees fan, any team that shares a cup of Jack Daniels before the biggest game of their lives is pretty sweet. Plus, if you read any of the books about them, it’s pretty obvious they had the craziest locker room in baseball maybe ever.

Mike Tyson. Ever have a night where you and your friends don’t have any definite plan and just want to see where the night goes? Well, if your friend was Mike Tyson, odds are it would end up with cocaine, booze, strippers, Mitch Green, BJ’s all around, and Heidi Fleiss. And that’s a helluva time.

5. Nate Newton. One word: spliff.

4. John Daly. You just know you’d end up at some redneck bar, smoking Marlboro Reds and sucking down Jim Beam while watching fat redneck chicks with eight teeth throw themselves at Daly. Of course, the next morning, when you wake up next to Daly’s leftovers might be a little painful. Perhaps he wouldn’t be as much fun as hanging out with Newton…

3. Matt Leinart. Speaking of leftovers, Leinart’s might be just a slight upgrade over Daly’s. I mean, good lord, this guy knows how to freaking party and who to party with. This could not possibly end poorly. I can only dream to be that guy.

2. USC songgirls. Because no one wants to hang out with a bunch of attractive, promiscuous coeds, I guess I’ll fall on the sword, take one for the team, and escort them out for a night in a sunny LA. The things I do for blogging.

And this brings us to the coolest athletes in town, the guys you know you’re a guaranteed a memorable time with…your 2006 Cincinnati Bengals!

Things that are guaranteed to happen:
· Massive drinking
· Drug use
· Domestic violence
· Fun with cops
· Gun possession (albeit not at Tank Johnson levels)
· The chance to meet NFL commissioner Roger Goodell

All good clean fun, hence why the Bengals are number one in something, finally. Really, there’s no chance this wouldn’t end well.

21 comments:

King Chaz Fan said...

How in God's name did Charles Barkley not make this list???

Anonymous said...

no Agent Zero?

polevaultking said...

what, no pictures of the USC songgirls?

Anonymous said...

the '86 mets were much cooler, and crazier than the '04 sox.

Anonymous said...

Beat me to it, '86 Mets.

Anonymous said...

'05 Vikings, Sex Boat!

Anonymous said...

Clinton. Portis.

thee trouthole said...

RUSTY KUNTZ!

whykiki said...

Pete Rose. Denny McClain. Dave Kingman. Darryl Lamonica. Ken Stabler. Really, any Raider from before the move to L.A. Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje (coolest name in sporting history, non-double-entendre division). Mark Fidrych. Eric Heiden (hopelessly average in life, but ridiculously awesome in sport; plus, from 'Sconsin). Logan Tom (volleyballers are by far the best looking female athletes). That erstwhile ATL Falcons cheerleader who claimed Ulysses as her favourite book (Janey?). Rusty Staub (greatest nickname in sporting history, all-divisions ("La grande Orange")).

Anonymous said...

Understandably your article helped me terribly much in my college assignment. Hats incorrect to you enter, wish look audacious for the duration of more interdependent articles without delay as its sole of my pick topic to read.

Anonymous said...

fat loss 4 idiots -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
forex derivative -
gas 4 free -
get better grades -
golf swing guru -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
hyper vre -
i software tv -
legit online jobs -
linden method -
london forex rush -
master word smith -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
max pro system -
meet your sweet -
membership gold rush -
minute sites -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
negative calorie diet -
one minute cure -
one week marketing -
pc on point -

Anonymous said...

pc tv 4 me -
perfect optimizer -
php link cloaker -
pick the gender of your baby -
profit lance -
public records pro -
quit smoking today -
recipe secrets -
reg clean -
regi cleanse -
registry easy -
registry winner -
reg sweep -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket piano -
rocket spanish -
satellite tv to pc -
smtp 2 go -
spam bully -
spyware nuker -
the bad breath report -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the stop snoring exercise program -
the super mind evolution system -
trading stock indices -
truth about abs -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
twitter annihilation -
twitter rockstar -

Anonymous said...

twitter traffic machine -
ultimate content creator -
ultimate font download -
ultimate wow guide -
video piggy -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
web investigator -
win clear -
win spy -
yeast infection no more -






3d covers -
500 scrapbooking sketches -
acid alkaline diet -
acne free in 3 days -
advanced pc tweaker -
apple patch diet -
art of approaching -
auction inspector -
av advance -
build a nice store -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
catch spouse cheating -
chikara reiki do -
combat the fat -

Anonymous said...

conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy that game -
cure gout now -
dl guard -
dog training online -
driver checker -
driver robot -
drop shipping wholesalers -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy backup wizard -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
error fix -
error killer -
error smart -
evidence eraser -
evidence nuker -
ex girlfriend guru -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final uninstaller -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
forex grid bot -
get google ads free -
get paid to draw -

Anonymous said...

get this off my chest now -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
honest riches -
learn photoshop now -
linden method -
malware removal bot -
marketing on the fringe -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -
my online income system -
negative calorie diet -
no adware -
one minute cure -
one week marketing -
online pickup secrets -
partenon -
pc on point -
perfect optimizer -
perfect uninstaller -
pick the gender of your baby -
power cash secret -
profit lance -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
push button marketer -
quit smoking today -
registry easy -

Anonymous said...

registry easy download -
registry fix -
registry winner download -
reverse mobile -
reverse phone detective -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket spanish -
rss power plus -
sem business blueprint -
silent sales machine -
spam bully -
sports betting champ -
spyware cease -
spyware nuker -
spyware remover -
starting a day care center -
the bad breath report -
the cb code -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the super mind evolution system -
traffic travis -
truth about abs -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
twitter affiliate cash -
twitter decoded -
video piggy -
video web wizard -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -

Anonymous said...

windo fix -
your bill killer -
you will get paid -
zygor guides -
20 day persuasion -
advanced pc tweaker -
adware bot -
affiliate naire -
apple patch diet -
article submitter -
art of approaching -
burnthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
cold sore freedom in 3 days -
conversationalhypnosis -
conversational hypnosis -
copy that game -
cure for bruxism -
cure hemorrhoids -
cyber link pro -
dl guard -
driver checker -
driver robot -
drop shipping wholesalers -
earth4energy -
earth 4 energy -
easy backup wizard -
easy click mate -
easy photo biz -
eatstopeat -
eat stop eat -
epinoisis -
error fix -

Anonymous said...

error killer -
error smart -
evidence nuker -
fap turbo -
fatburningfurnace -
fat burning furnace -
fatloss4idiots -
fat loss 4 idiots -
final uninstaller -
fitnessmodelprogram -
fitness model program -
fit yummy yummy -
flattenyourabs -
flatten your abs -
flat to fab -
governmentregistry -
government registry -
heartburn no more -
hippo jaw -
homemadeenergy -
home made energy -
honest riches -
hot video squeeze templates -
instant website creation -
jump manual -
keyword research pro -
linden method -
malware removal bot -
maternityacupressure -
maternity acupressure -
meet your sweet -
micro niche finder -
musclegainingsecrets -
muscle gaining secrets -

Anonymous said...

muscle gain truth -
my traffic strategy -
nasty dirty money -
negative calorie diet -
no adware -
pc optimizer pro -
perfect uninstaller -
pergola plans -
pick the gender of your bady -
plr ebook club -
pregnancy without pounds -
profit lance -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
questions for couples -
quit smoking today -
ready made review sites -
reg genie -
registry easy -
registry easy download -
registry winner -
registry winner download -
retrievea lover -
reverse mobile -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket italian -
rocket spanish -
roulette sniper -
rss ground -
secret affiliate weapon -
secrets book -
spam bully -
spyware cease -
spyware nuker -

Anonymous said...

muscle gain truth -
my traffic strategy -
nasty dirty money -
negative calorie diet -
no adware -
pc optimizer pro -
perfect uninstaller -
pergola plans -
pick the gender of your bady -
plr ebook club -
pregnancy without pounds -
profit lance -
publicrecordspro -
public records pro -
questions for couples -
quit smoking today -
ready made review sites -
reg genie -
registry easy -
registry easy download -
registry winner -
registry winner download -
retrievea lover -
reverse mobile -
richard mackenzie direct -
rocket italian -
rocket spanish -
roulette sniper -
rss ground -
secret affiliate weapon -
secrets book -
spam bully -
spyware cease -
spyware nuker -

Anonymous said...

spyware remover -
spy zooka -
starting a day care center -
tattoo fever -
team idemise -
the bad breath report -
the cb code -
thedietsolutionprogram -
the diet solution program -
the rich jerk -
the super mind evolution system -
turbulencetraining -
turbulence training -
vincedelmontefitness -
vince del monte fitness -
warp speed fat loss -
wedding speech 4u -
windo fix -
wrap candy -
zygor guides -
7day ebook -
360 fix kit -
advanced pc tweaker -
adware bot -
affiliate naire -
art of approaching -
beating adwords -
believe and manifest -
blogging in action -
body building revealed -
burthefat -
burn the fat -
carb rotation diet -
cheat your way thin -