The 10 People You’d Hang Out With In Sports Heaven

We’d all like to hang out with sports celebrities. You know in your heart of hearts you’d trade all your friends to chill with an athlete and be homeboys (as the kids say). But, because I continuously feel the need to ripoff David Letterman, there are 10 people/groups that would be the best to hang with. Here, in top 10 list fashion, they are:

First, others receiving votes: Any offensive lineman (guaranteed a great meal, if you can get any food, that is), Emeka Okafor (a night of intellectual conversation, I’m sure), James Laurinitis (When your dad was “The Animal” you know you’ll get some stellar stories), Maria Sharapova (um, duh), Ben Roethlisberger (the conversation goes, You: “dude you should totally try and jump off the bar and onto the pool table 25 feet away,” Him: “hell yeah man, I’m gonna do it!” and then the fun ensues), Michael Irvin (hey, he’d hide your hashpipe, which is pretty cool), Mark Cuban (He’d make stalking college girls seem somehow not awkward).

10. Tank Johnson. Sure, there’s always the risk of getting capped in the ass, but you know if it happens (or when, as your viewpoint may be), you got enough ammos to take over Basra. And that, my friends, is peace of mind.

9. Scott Van Pelt. Every time I watch Sportscenter, I get the impression that SVP is the kind of guy who’d be fun at a bar when you’re chilling with your friends, doing hilarious impressions of your other friends and awkwardly trying to pick up chicks. He is, without a doubt, the best SC anchor out there right now.

8. Daniel Snyder. Not only could he buy you anything you asked for, but you could hang out with celebrities like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and try and figure out exactly what the fuck is going through their heads. You’d go to some reallllly nice place, have a $75 plate of duck and a $1000 bottle of red, then go pick up strippers. At least, this is how I picture what I’d do if I were filthy rich…

7. The 2004 Red Sox. I don’t care if you’re a Yankees fan, any team that shares a cup of Jack Daniels before the biggest game of their lives is pretty sweet. Plus, if you read any of the books about them, it’s pretty obvious they had the craziest locker room in baseball maybe ever.

Mike Tyson. Ever have a night where you and your friends don’t have any definite plan and just want to see where the night goes? Well, if your friend was Mike Tyson, odds are it would end up with cocaine, booze, strippers, Mitch Green, BJ’s all around, and Heidi Fleiss. And that’s a helluva time.

5. Nate Newton. One word: spliff.

4. John Daly. You just know you’d end up at some redneck bar, smoking Marlboro Reds and sucking down Jim Beam while watching fat redneck chicks with eight teeth throw themselves at Daly. Of course, the next morning, when you wake up next to Daly’s leftovers might be a little painful. Perhaps he wouldn’t be as much fun as hanging out with Newton…

3. Matt Leinart. Speaking of leftovers, Leinart’s might be just a slight upgrade over Daly’s. I mean, good lord, this guy knows how to freaking party and who to party with. This could not possibly end poorly. I can only dream to be that guy.

2. USC songgirls. Because no one wants to hang out with a bunch of attractive, promiscuous coeds, I guess I’ll fall on the sword, take one for the team, and escort them out for a night in a sunny LA. The things I do for blogging.

And this brings us to the coolest athletes in town, the guys you know you’re a guaranteed a memorable time with…your 2006 Cincinnati Bengals!

Things that are guaranteed to happen:
· Massive drinking
· Drug use
· Domestic violence
· Fun with cops
· Gun possession (albeit not at Tank Johnson levels)
· The chance to meet NFL commissioner Roger Goodell

All good clean fun, hence why the Bengals are number one in something, finally. Really, there’s no chance this wouldn’t end well.