FIX MY REDSKINS !!!

5-11.

That's many things. It's the height of tallest girl I'll have sex with. It's the 11th day of May. It's San Francisco's area code. It is NOT the record my Washington Redskins should be ending a season with. Maybe the Arizona Cardinals. Maybe the Cleveland Browns. Maybe the Houston Texans. But NOT the Washington Redskins. So what went wrong?

We started a Rogaine model (Mark Brunell) at QB for far too long, while I sat on my couch screaming and punching myself in the testicles hoping through some cosmic force, Joe Gibbs would feel my pain and put in the future, Jason Campbell. He did. When we were all but out of the playoff chase. Clinton Portis - running back, interview guru, Flavor Flav's sloppy seconds - seperates his shoulder in the pre-season showing the defense how to make a tackle. They didn't watch closely enough, as they blew more tackles than the fat chick at the club when the NFLers come in on Sunday night. Our pass rush was actually sickening to watch. I threw up chili on my John Riggins jersey watching them flail around like seizuring special ed. students versus every NFC East team. The secondary is either too old or too young.

You want solutions?

Start with the talent on the team already. It's there. Two vastly different, very talented WRs, with the best slot guy/return guy/trick-play guy in the game - Indiana QB Antwaan Randle El - will help Campbell take the next step. His tight end, Chris Cooley, is going to make a few Pro Bowls down the road; the guy can catch, run and block from several positions on the field, plus his hair is just amazing. Plus, he's got that last name that sounds like people are booing, but they're really saying COOOOOOOOley. Kinda like DUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE. Or ... BOOOOOOOOOOO Williams. I like those kind of players. And with that talent, the ball needs to be in the air more than it was this season. The capability for a truly balance offense is there, when you take a look at the running game; featuring Ladell Betts - who boggled my mind this season with his tenacity - and CP. The smart play here? Go wish-bone, Gibbs. OLD SCHOOL! Get them both out there. Put Cooley in front, and Betts and Portis behind him; move Cooley around, move Portis around; go to a strong set, an I set, whatever; but those guys both need to see time. They're both getting paid like starters, anyway. Start 'em.

Defensively, the talent is there, and showed it at times. But a big-time pass-rush is needed, more consistent play from the DT position and Gregg Williams and his bloated salary need to teach someone how the hell to tackle. And knock down a pass. Force a few turnovers. This guy gets paid like a head coach, and is about as loved in Washington as Osama Bin Laden. Dump this hillbilly off on the Colts, or some other chump defense. (Why isn't Darrell Green coaching anyone on this team? DBs? Special Teams? Get him a job, ASAP. And Charles Mann.)

Now for free agency.

Dwight Freeney needs to be offered a contract so big that first day of availability that he actually orgasms. Dan Snyder is the guy to do that. (Plus, he's got Tom Cruise's witchcraft to help sway the deal.) Honestly, a few years ago, I thought he was going to with Jevon Kearse. Eagles beat him to the punch; and we start Phillip Daniels and a 49er reject at DE. Granted, Andre Carter started to pick it up at the end of the season, and the 'Niners were so bad the past few seasons teams ran on them 3 of the 4 quarters - hence eliminating the need for a pass-rushing guy like Carter - but the guy is a slouch, plain and simple. And I know you're saying Freeney is going to re-sign. How? The Colts D is so bad, they need to spread that money around; a corner here, a DT there; not one lump sum for Freeney. I want Freeney, and I want to either re-sign Derrick Dockery, or bring in a replacement. This offensive line is talented - see: Ladell Betts running for 1,000 yards - so it'd be best to re-sign him and keep them together; but there's talent out there in either the draft or free agency to replace him if he decides to venture off.

As far as the NFL Draft is concerned, the no. 6 pick is a great one to have - if you need a building block. We don't. Brady Quinn, Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson, Dwayne Jarrett, Ted Ginn Jr., Greg Olsen, Joe Thomas, Gaines Adams, Quentin Moses and Laron Landry are those type of guys. Notice the quantity. Some team is going to want to trade up to get one of those players. Lets trade down, to the middle of the round, and pick up the best player in this entire draft: Paul Posluszny. I will buy 25 jerseys myself if this guy is a Redskin. Watching this guy play gives me and my golffish erections. I almost want the Packers to take him, so they can amass the greatest linebacking unit of Caucasians ever, but I'm greedy. I want him. I want Gibbs stumbling over his name during press-conferences. I want Gregg Williams' replacement patting him on the butt after he bleeds all over Eli Manning. I want an immovable object in the center of my defense to remind the nation's capital what this country was built on: Burying cocky receivers who come across the middle. Add with the third round pick we get with that trade, and we get ourselves a decent enough CB or OL prospect. I'd love to take Brandon Meriweather - who's stock plummeted in that fight vs. FIU - and pair him with another thug from Miami - Sean Taylor - and watch the first live decapitation in NFL history as they high/low Donte Stallworth next season.

Hey, Gibbs. Do those things, you get yourself another Super Bowl ring with a black quarterback. HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!