Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Greg Oden's Diary : Entry # 1

Dear Diary:Man, what a baller-ass night. Those two freshmen chicks hit the spot, son. Had them white bitches screaming "O-O-O-O-O-Oden! O-O-O-O-O-O-Oden!" Game wasn't bad, neither. Another one-handed double-double, thank you. Coach Thad told me not to look ahead, but come on, man. After I win us the conference tournament, I think I might ... Yeah, I sure am. I'm gonna get with that Asian girl Teddy Ginn introduced me to. I gotta Call Ginny back, though; kid texted me about a party with some senior girls. Hopefully he can smooth out that beef with me and Troy, too. Kid thinks I broke his Heisman on purpose. What kinda whack-ass statue has a arm stickin' out the side like that? Fuckin' thing snapped right off. These hands block shots and kill small animals; a little trophy arm can't handle my shit. Maybe I'll buy that dude a Rolls or a Benz when I get drafted ... Give him the ring I win for Buckeye Nation since he choked ...

Oh shit, time for class. "TV." Shit is hard, yo.

Naw, I ain't goin'. I gotta start thinking of names for my mansion. I looked at some real estate in Philly; Iverson's house is OK ... For my garage. I'm going to have to build something fly enough to be called the O-Den. That's what I'm gonna call my house, at least when "Cribs" comes to film ... I'm gonna get a kick ass pet, too. Maybe a ... snake? Fuck snakes. I already got a negro anaconda in these shorts. What about a giraffe? No; too Michael Jackson ... Hows about a gorilla? Maybe ... Oh, shit. Oden, you da' man. I'm gonna get me an ALBINO GORILLA! Name that mo'fucker something scary, too. Call that thing Ewing. Teach it to ball, son. A fuckin' dunking albino gorilla. Shit would be the bomb, boy.
WTF? This dude on ESPN just said I should stay in school for four years. The only reason I'd even think about that shit is the new freshmen honeys comin' in every fall ... What? Fool said Josh McRoberts is going to be a better big man in the long-run because he's got "smart moves" in the post. That honky motherfucker can't hold me. March Madness comes around I'm going to dunk on him 17 times, block a dozen of his shots and fuck his girl. Oh wait, she's probably ass-ugly. That's why I told Coach K no. I said Coach, you got a nice program, but shit; them girls is lookin' like the Elephant Man or some shit. You find nicer girls working at Burger King, man. Plus I couldn't shit on Ohio like that. Gots to get Buckeye Basketball on the map, son! Make these peeps forget LeBron. It's all about the O. But for real, being the O isn't that great right now ...

Being a freshmen sucks ball, yo. Dick Vitale called me a diaper dandy, but for real, I'd rather be a senior dandy and have a fucking car on campus. A Bentley. That'd be sick. Drive to classes in my Phantom. On 24's, bitch. Roll to practice watching "Scarface" on DVD on my 15 monitors. That'd be the shit like Taco Bell, son. Sucks, though. I gotta walk my ass to 7-11 now. I need some condoms like whoa! Magnum XXXL's, you know how the Big O slays it. But yo, I gots to wrap it up. Can't be having none of these white bitches chasing me around the NBA wantin' money for some kid I don't even know is mine ... Gotta bring me the DNA test, yo. That or they gotta be 7'1'' and have a full beard in 5th grade like me. I used to dunk on cats in Kindergarten. Gettin' head behind the swingset in 1st grade ... Yo, little Greg used to beat that pussy up while he watched "Power Rangers." Oh shit; speaking of that ... I gotta buy me one of those suits they wore. I always dug that black dude. He had some wild ass hair, though. Shit, that fool isn't doing anything. I'm gonna buy that dude, make him run around my house fighting Ewing. Shit would be awesome for parties. Pop some Dom P and watch that cat rumble with an albino gorilla all night ... God I love my life.

ODEN OUT



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"Had them white bitches screaming "O-O-O-O-O-Oden! O-O-O-O-O-O-Oden!"

I spit soda on my keyboard. Truly amasing.

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