Wednesday, October 25, 2006

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Be honest with yourselves right now. Is there anything sexier than a woman who knows sports? You're right. A sexy woman who knows sports. And is there anything better than a sideline reporter in that regard? They talk to the men whose jerseys you wear (well, not Alexander Semin's), they ask the coaches you worship the tough questions (well, not Rich Kotite) and they have access to the locker rooms you would give your first-born child to get into. But have you taken the time to stop and stare? Have you ever asked what makes them tick? Right here, right now, is the top 15 Women of Broadcasting I've been masturbating to for years ... I mean ... respecting for their on-air talents for years ...




15. Pam Ward – Apparently too sexy to be on camera, ESPN stuck Pam Ward behind a microphone and crammed her into a booth, where she's been calling play-by-play on Saturdays for some college football games with that deep, seductive voice for years. She gets her hair-cut at the same barbershop most of us do ... And she’s also the only woman on this list with testicles, so she’s got that going for her. Which is nice.

14. Pam Oliver – She puts the fox in FOX. Pam Oliver got more attention from quarterbacks in the 90’s than any receiver in the game; thanks, in most part, to the most fantastic rump in all of sideline reporting history. Thank God for it, because she had one of the biggest foreheads in all of sideline reporting history, too. She wore a lot of hats to try and cover it up, but I know what was going on beneath those things. Still … Oliver was a spellbinding reporter, often getting the scoops her male counterparts couldn’t. Weird how rich, black, single men open up to a woman with a phenomenal ass, isn’t it?

13. Bonnie Bernstein – An All-American gymnast at Maryland – Mr. Ward’s alma mater as well – Bonnie Bernstein could pass as a beauty pageant contestant … if only she didn’t have that lazy eye. It took down Stuart Scott, too. Boo-yah!

12. Linda Cohn – With a nicer haircut, a sexier outfit and a decent push-up bra, you’ll be tuning into SportsCenter for Linda CONES. The First Lady of ESPN, you know Stephen A. Smith is sweating that big ol’ New York booty in the cafeteria.

11. Michelle Bonner – Another behind-the-desker over at SportsCenter, Michelle Bonner should just drop one “N” in her last name, because that’s what she’s giving to the countless numbers of men who tune in to see highlights. When she comes out from behind the desk, though, she’s got a little bit of a gut. What? No treadmills in Bristol, CT? I bet John Buccigross has hit it, though … And Neil Everett … And Scottie Van Pelt … And Trey Wingo … twice … Rece Davis and Brian Kenny just got hand-jobs …

10. Tina Cervasio – Tina Cervasio wins my award for best smile. Too bad she’s a Boston Red Sox reporter, where there isn’t much to smile about. Weird, because she worked for George Steinbrenner’s propaganda channel YES a few years before ... Turncoat! Cervasio is yet another Maryland alum on this list, meaning crab cakes and football isn’t all Maryland does. It produces marginally talented sideline reporters. With great behinds.

9. Erin Andrews – A sorority girl down at Florida, Erin Andrews is a leggy blonde that covers baseball and football for ESPN. She looks like your stereotypical Southern trophy wife, only pre-nose job. She should get on that …

8. Sam Ryan – While Michelle Tafoya was off having my love child, her replacement on MNF was this dazzling brunette. Ryan also covers the New York Yankees for CBS in New York, which could explain why they haven’t been winning lately … Eye’s on the ball, guys; not Ryan’s butt. (Although that doesn’t explain A-Rod, does it?)

7. Heather Cox – Heather Cox went from “American Idol” to ESPN’s sidelines … and right into my Spank Bank. Cox is the first reality show star to segue into broadcasting, and hopefully not the last. I’d love to see some of those “Flavor of Love” girls on the sidelines … Actually; I’d like to see Flavor Flav on the sidelines. Neither of them can sing, though.


6. Suzy Kolber – If she’s good enough for Broadway Joe, who am I to judge? She’s the only woman on this list to have an endorsement contract (hawking Chevrolets) and the only one to be hit on by a Hall of Famer. Her accent and trying-hard-to-look-like-she’s-not-trying look work for her … She’s probably a tiger in the sack, too.


5. Melissa Stark – Probably the most under-rated hottie on this list, Melissa Stark sort of looks like a hybrid of a few of the Melrose Place ladies. She may have appeared hotter than usual when she was on Monday Night Football, standing next to John Madden and all, but Stark belongs near the top of this list regardless. Great cheek-bones. And really sexy ear-lobes, too.


4. Rachel Nichols – Hello, Red. Rachel Nichols is fairly new to the sideline reporting scene, but sports fans everywhere should be glad she’s finally here. The fiery redhead is most known for her unblinking reports, the reason, perhaps, that her fantastic rack is often overlooked. I wonder if she’s red all over … *wink*

3. Jill Arrington – She’s the definition of what a sideline reporter should be: Tall, blonde and the daughter of an ex-quarterback. She also threatened Melissa Stark in an interview, saying “I’d take her down. She’s just a little thing.” Hopefully she takes her down into a kiddie swimming pool full of chocolate pudding and whipped cream. And the “little thing” is describing their bikinis.


2. Lisa Guerrero – This muy caliente reporter has never worked with Steve Lyons, which may or may not be a bad thing. Lisa Guerrero deserves much more air time, regardless of the game or sport, based purely off of her body. It’s sort of like homecoming court or SGA elections in high school: The pretty girls win. As they rightfully should. In all things. And did you see her in Playboy? Perfect nipples. That goes a long way in my book.

1. Lesley Visser – The Diane Lane of our list, Lesley Visser is still going strong. She started working the NFL sidelines in 1984 – a year after I was born – but she still revs my engine. Visser was the first woman to really cover professional sports, paving the way for the rest of the ladies on our list, and she also pioneered the shoulder-length hair-do, apparently so the players or coaches she was interviewing wouldn’t get aroused. Didn’t work. Visser is as bonerific now as when she began … The MILF of the sports world.

45 comments:

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

brilliant stuff. jill arrington. whatever happened to her?

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8hrdrive said...

Visser's and Cohn's necks look like turkey beards or crumpled pieces of paper.

WaistingCompanyTime6 said...

No Tracy Wolfson? No Stacy Dales-Schuman? How about that Chick that the mets poured champaign and beer on?

Marc said...

Rich, you wanker.

Heather Cox the ESPN gal is not the same person as Heather Cox the American Idol loser. ESPN Heather is a 36-year-old former college and pro volleyball player who's been in the broadcast game for 13 years. AI Heather is... a nonentity.

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