Brandon didn't want me to post this, calling it too Simmons-esque, but hey, whatever, I'm in a pissy mood here at work and I walked by Derek Lowe today in lower Manhattan. So, whatever.
(PS if it was indeed Lowe, of which I'm 95% sure, he had gross hair, hadn't shaved in a week, was wearing an all Nike basketball ensemble, and was with a woman clearly not his wife. He may have reaked of gin, too, but he passed by me too quickly...of course, how the hell was he up at 9am anyway? And despite it all, can we get him back in Boston? Please?)
The Yankees are good. Damn good. And it pains me, a diehard Red Sox fan to admit it. That said, come October 2, Papi will be golfing in Green Bay whereas Jeter will be building up his Postseason legend (maybe) while A-Rod will once again be hitting .125 (.067 with runners in scoring position) while on a combo of Prozac, Ritalin and HGH (hey, whatever, rumormongering…it’s the internet, baby!). Since I’ll be forced to watch Big Stein’s minions for a month or so, I figured it’d be a good time to go over which Yankees it’s Ok to secretly respect and which under no circumstances can be rooted for. In fact, it’s a shame Giambi’s intestinal parasite from ’04 didn’t make its way on to them.
Oh, and PS: Kevin Brown…Greatest. Yankee. Ever.
Enjoy the list.
Group I: The Scrubs (TJ Beam, Brian Bruney, Sean Henn, Jeff Karstens, Darrell Rasner, Jose Veras, Wil Nieves, Andy Cannizaro, Nick Green, Aaron Guiel, Andy Phillips, Kevin Thompson)
Who are you? Do I know you? No. Were 95% of you enjoying the Boston Massacre Part II in Columbus? Yes. Will any of you not be in AAA next year? Likely not. Sure some of you like Phillips, Green, and Guiel were actually on the team most of the season, but only because the Yanks had no outfielders for six weeks. Andy Phillips=Bubba Crosby=Shane Spencer=Kevin Maas. There, I said it. I can’t hate you because a) I’ve never otherwise heard of you b) you’ve accomplished nada in the league in pinstripes and c) Trenton will be treating you just fine next season.
Group II: The “Not True” Yankees (Octavio Dotel, Cory Lidle, Scott Proctor, Ron Villone, Craig Wilson)
These are guys who will all likely be on the postseason roster, but are fairly new to their evilness and thus haven’t really had the opportunity yet to piss America off (especially its 51st state, Red Sox Nation). But they could with one key hit or relief appearance. I was tempted to make Craig Wilson a little more evil, as my fantasy team in 2004 was briefly called “The Mullets” for him and well…some other guy we’ll be discussing soon.
Group III: Give them Two More Years and I’ll Stick a Bullet in their Kneecap (Kyle Farnsworth, Chien-Ming Wang, Sal Fasano, Robinson Cano, Bobby Abreu, Melky Cabrera)
Most of these guys are also pretty new to being minions of the devil, but unlike the previous group are key contributors and have already started to piss me off. For example, Farnsworth may have been a bust, but he had that nasty curve against Papi in one of the earlier series in a clutch, bases loaded situation. Wang is getting dangerously…good, Fasano’s mustache is wayyyy too adored by his fellow guidos such as my co-blogger, Cano is also getting a little too big for his pinstriped britches, Abreu should be despised all the way on I-95 from the Philly fans he gave up on through the Mets fans he’ll burn in the World Series (so help me God, I hope I’m wrong) through Connecticut and Massachusetts, and Melky deserves scorn for those god-damned “Got Melky?” t-Shirts that keep popping up around the New York metro area. Seriously, though, after the “Got Rings?” version, are the Yankees just sponsored by The Dairy Farmers of America or what?
Group IV: I Despise You, But Damnit, I Respect You! (Mike Mussina, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Bernie Williams
These are the guys, that hey, I can admit, if the left their pinstripes at home and put on a red B, hell, I’d be happy. Here’s a brief synopsis of my feelings on each guy:
Moose: Seems like a good enough guy. Smart, likes to drink apparently, helped those kids from his hometown in PA when TWA flight 800 went down in 1996. Never has won a World Series, came off as decent in Faithful. Hey, he’s my “favorite” Yankee.
Jeter: Look, I don’t LIKE the guy. I mean he’s smug and a douchebag and all, and that play he made jumping into the stands on 2004? Well, Pokey Reese DID THE EXACT SAME THING A FEW INNINGS BEFORE JETER DID. But Pokey Reese isn’t Mr. Madison Ave., so no one remembers this. But, I won’t lie, when Jeter comes to the plate in a clutch situation, I just know it’s going to go poorly. That’s the definition of a good player. I just hope he has to retire a D-Ray or something.
Mo: Hey, the guy handed us the ALCS in 2004, so I got nothing but love. Plus, his reaction at the Sox 2005 home opener was affable. He seems like a decent guy, and hey, he has been pretty good during his career. And like I said, since the Sox kinda sorta have his number, I don’t hate him as much as I could.
Bernie: Well, I mean, he does play jazz flute, er, guitar, which is kinda lame. And he did spurn the Sox in ’97 when they offered him more money than Stein did, but Bernie’s loyalty, even if it is to evil, is still somewhat noble. Plus, now, he’s like watching Brett Favre in the outfield, where even if you’re a Bears fan, you just kind of feel bad. Though as far as I know, Favre has yet to release a crappy CD.
Group V: The ex-Sox (John Damon, Mike Myers)
Ok you dumbasses (idiots?) It’s not that we as Sox fans dislike you personally, it’s that we dislike your uniform and all who inhabit it. We remember all you did in 2004, but that’s the past now, and your pinstripes are your present and future, hence, why you get four word salutes now. Anyway, from Feeding the Monster it seems like Scott Boras was the real reason you’re in New York now Mr. Damon, and Theo not re-signing Myers was definitely a mistake, leaving us with whoever the hell Javier Lopez is as the only lefty in the pen. Still, you guys are freaking turncoats!
Group VI: I Just Mock You (Jaret Wright, Randy Johnson, Jason Giambi, Carl Pavano Double Play Rod)
These are the guys Yankee fans hate and everybody else, including us Sox fans hate too. Not because they’re really any good, mind you, but rather because they’re the overpaid mercenaries of the Evil Empire, all brought in to thus far (unsuccessfully, hahaha) win Big Stein that ring that’s alluded him these past 6 years. They’re cripples, juicers, geriatrics, or borderline psychos. Take a guess who’s who, and note A-Rod may be all at once! Wright’s just a tobacco spittin’ washout, Pavano spends more time wrecking his car in Florida than he does pitch, the Unit’s intimidating only cameramen nowadays, Giambi’s a known cheating fraud who is I guarantee still on one of his admitted drugs of choice, HGH, and A-Rod is well, yeah, see last week’s SI. The suit story is so damn good.
Group VII: I. Want. You. To. Die. (Jorge Posada, Miguel Cairo, Hideki Matsui, Gary Sheffield)
Ok, these are the guys that are the worst of the worst, the mast assholian of all. Assholian being a newly created word. Let’s analyze why each of these individuals will find themselves in Dante’s 9th ring of hell upon death:
Cairo: Some may question why he’s on the list. The answer is simple. I had to deal with Brandon’s idiotic comments about how underrated he was from 2003-04. He just annoys me in a way I’m sure somebody like Kevin Youkilis annoys him. Youuuuuukkkk!!!
Matsui: The guy is a lethal hitter. His family also would’ve been ended in Hiroshima if I had anything to do with it. He is the ugliest player in baseball today, oh wait except for…
Posada: He looks like a toad and has balls the size of one. Seriously, can anybody ever forget him jawing with Pedro in the 2003 ALCS? What a loser. He’s an overrated perennial all-star, constantly keeping more deserving guys out. He’s so good the Unit’s run through about 3 “personal” catchers since he got to the team. Of course, the good news as long as he’s there Stein won’t buy off Joe Mauer’s soul. I hope.
And now, as mentioned, the King of all Pinstriped Petulance, Mr. Gary Sheffield: Oh Sheff, how do I hate you? Let me count the ways. But I won’t, as this has run on too long anyway. All I’ll say is, you’re crosseyed, old, your pre-swing bat twirling is gay, you did steroids and were Barry Bonds’ bitch all at once, you got in a fight with a fan and a grounds crew worker, and, my personal favorite, you offered up this gem of a quote, right before you know what happened in mid-October, 2004, “They're a walking disaster. They act like they're tough, how they care so much about winning, but it's all a front. They're just a bunch of characters." Thanks Sheff, enjoy splitting time with Melky in the playoffs.