While Terrell Owens’ press-conference was going on, ESPN didn’t have the network capabilities to televise all the other TO related ones going on – well actually they did, but you can’t pull “Cheap Seats,” “ESPN Classics: 2004 WNBA Finals Game 4” and a repeat of the “World Series of Poker” with no notice.
Lucky for you, we here at Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom have gotten a hold of the majority of the transcripts:
Drew Rosenhaus (Owens’ agent) – “No comment.”
Bill Parcells (Owens’ coach) – “Terry Glenn is fine, don’t worry. Terry has impressed me all season long with his play and lack of suicide attempts, and Terry is going to be fine this week for the game with Tennessee.”
Michael Irvin (Owens’ boyfriend) – “TO is the greatest receiver in the game, bar none. Look at my suit. Isn’t it horrible? Well it’s not as horrible as the world would be without Terrell Owens, that’s for damn sure. You talking to the ‘Playmaker.’ I talk to TO all the time, and he has not once mentioned suicide to me. I mean, yeah, when I was making fun of how many Super Bowl rings I had compared to him, and how I went to ‘da U’ and he didn’t and how people in Dallas still wish I was on the team, he wasn’t happy, but he was not suicidal. Oh, and vote for Emmit on ABC’s ‘Dancing with the Stars!”
Kim Etheredge (Owens’ publicist) – “I need a new job.”
Steve Mariucci (Owens’ former coach with the 49ers) – “Thank you God for answering my prayers.”
Jeff Garcia (Owens’ former quarterback with the 49ers) – “Who’s gay now? Overdosing on supplements? Did you get them from the Queer Eye Guys, TO? I did see Greg Anderson around your locker a bit in San Fran ... I gave him my number but he never called me. I always assumed he just had a thing for dark meat, but ... Wait, what am I saying?"
Andy Reid (Owens’ former coach with the Eagles) – “Thank you God for answering my prayers.”
Donovan McNabb (Owens’ former quarterback with the Eagles) – “I told him to keep my name out his mouth. I didn’t tell him to put a bunch of sleeping pills in it, though.”
Every Eagles/Giants/Redskins/49ers fan in the country – “What do you mean ‘attempted?’ He didn’t die? Son of a –”
Fantasy football owners (of T.O.) - "Wait, he's playing Sunday, right? Right? Can the Dallas police leak that? Plaxico's got a bye! Dammit!"